The One Time We Did It In A Hospital Bathroom

I must say, our experience with Keegan's semen analysis isn't as sexy as the title makes it seem. All I can say is ladies, if your husbands ever complain about having to do it in a room with a leather seat, magazines and a DVD player, show them this post and they'll consider themselves lucky.

So, as most of you know, at my last doctors appointment, we decided to start my doctor's "infertility workup." I'm not 100% what that consists of, but I do know that it starts off with having to get a semen analysis for Keegan. I had been naging asking him to get it done for these last two weeks, so finally, he was able to sneak away from work yesterday.

Like I explained before, the hospital where I meet with Dr. B doesn't do semen analyses for whatever reason, so we had the option to drive to two different hospitals, both about 45 minutes away from our house. However, one hospital is only 20ish minutes from Keegan's work, so we decided that would be the closest. I left my work at 3, picked Keegan up at 3:15, and we were at the hospital by 3:40. When Keegan had called the lab earlier in the week to ask about their location, we were told to walk into the emergency room and ask where the lab was, which we did. After walking through a few doors and down a hallway, we came upon the waiting room for the laboratory, which was also the waiting room for x-rays. When we walked in, there was a woman with her two girls and one other lady waiting. One of the young girls had a brace on her arm, so we assumed she was here for an x-ray. Since there was only one other person who we thought was in front of us, we figured we wouldn't have to wait too long. How wrong we were.

Finally, after an hour of waiting, the receptionist behind the counter called Keegan up to the window. She asked what he was here for and he mumbled the reason under his breath so that the young girls couldn't hear. The receptionist took the doctor request, looked at it, then said she had to speak with the lab tech to see what their process was. She came back a few moments later and said that we had to go upstairs to outpatient services and actually check in with the hospital before he could give his sample. That would have been nice to know an hour ago!

Upstairs we went to get Keegan checked in. We sit in yet another waiting room and wait for about 10 minutes to get called back. The lady who checked Keegan in was really nice and joked around with us. When we got to the part about insurance, she said that only TriCare insurance covered semen analyses which means that our Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance from Michigan (yes, we live in Mississippi and have insurance from Michigan, long story,) wasn't going to cut it. Keegan goes to pay and realizes that he can't find his debit card. I figured he just left it at home, but he says that he paid for lunch with it a few hours ago, so it's lost between his work cafeteria and the hospital. I end up paying and we leave the office checked in and $75 lighter, (ladies, is $75 a good price for this procedure? I have absolutely nothing to compare it to.) Thankfully we found Keegan's debit card on a seat in the waiting room.

Back downstairs we went, only to find that there were 5 more people in the waiting room. With it now being about 4:30, I was sacred that we had been pushed to the back of the line and wouldn't be seen before 5 when the lab closes. Thankfully the receptionist recognized us and said that we were next on the list whenever a room opened. Another 10ish minutes later, and we were called back into the lab. Keegan starts walking while I stay seated, and the receptionist looks at me and says, "You can go back with him you know." I awkwardly stand and follow Keegan back.

The laboratory door opens for us and we're standing next to a desk with three lab techs looking at us (one of them male,) on our right and a bathroom on the left. The receptionist motions to the bathroom and tells us to collect the sample in a sterile cup. I look at her, look at the bathroom, look at Keegan and ask her, "In there?!" She gives me the cup and motions us in, saying there's a lock on the door.

We walk into the bathroom which has one stall and a sink. Locking the door, I turn to Keegan and bust out laughing. In my head, I had visions of the rooms that I had read about on other blogs: DVD players, magazines from the '70s, I think one husband even got to sit in a leather chair! Here we were, in a hospital bathroom, wondering how the hell we were going to accomplish the task.

To save you all from the...details, the task was completed (with me trying not to laugh the entire time.) We unlocked the door, expecting to see the three lab techs sitting at the desk ready to take the sample. However, there was no one there. I don't know if they were being courteous and decided to leave to give us our privacy, but there was no one around, including the reception desk. Keegan peeked his head into the lab, but there was no one there either. We heard voices, so we knew that there was at least two people still around, but we didn't feel comfortable walking into the actual lab without being invited. We weren't sure what to do with the sample. Every time I've had to pee in a cup, I've been instructed to leave the cup in the bathroom, but there were signs over the toilet and the sink saying not to leave samples there.

So we stood there for a few minutes, knocking on the door every so often, talking loudly, whatever we could do to try and grab someone's attention. Finally, a lab tech came back. Keegan handed her the cup. She actually held it up to the light and moved it around almost as if she were looking at a precious stone. She then looked at me, looked at Keegan and said, "Don't be so nervous! I've done one of these before!" We laughed awkwardly and high tailed it out of there.

All in all, it wasn't a horrible experience, just extremely awkward. On the bright side, it certainly gives us something to look back at and laugh about. On the way home, Keegan said he was more nervous now than he was before. I asked him why and he said he was nervous about finding out the results. He said he doesn't want to be deficient or broken. I think that if his numbers are off, he believes that people will think of him as less of a man. I told him that I know how that feels. How being the main problem in our baby making journey has made me feel less like a woman from time to time.

I doubt we'll here the results before my next appointment in May. If, for some strange reason, Keegan has to repeat the test, I'm going to make him an appointment at the other hospital. I know for a fact that the lab there has more experience with infertility patients, so they'll probably be more understanding.

I'm sure this goes without saying, but if you know us in real life, please don't bring this up to Keegan. I'm fine with talking about our journey, but Keegan is a bit more reserved, especially when it comes to talking about himself. If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. Love you all!