*Warning, this post deals with pregnancy loss*
I’'ve hesitated to write about this because pregnancy loss is a hard subject, but I haven't found many stories similar to mine, so if writing it out helps one person searching for information, then this will be worth it.
Last I wrote on this blog, I had an early miscarriage after trying for two years to have a second child. My husband and I had decided that we were content with being a family of three with our son, and that our TTC journey was over.
Fast forward to March 7, 2019 and I find myself unexpectedly pregnant. My RE had told us that we had a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, so finding out that I was pregnant was the surprise of a lifetime. Because my tubes are so damaged, I was immediately concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. My OB wouldn't see me until I was 10 weeks along, but they were willing to do a beta, which came back at 115, but they wouldn't do a repeat beta. Thankfully my RE is amazing and was willing to have me come in around 5 weeks for an ultrasound. At 5 weeks we saw the start of a gestational sac in my uterus, and nothing wrong with my ovaries or tubes. At 6 weeks we saw one baby with a heartbeat. 7 week ultrasound looked good as well, and I got released from my RE. Thursday, April 25 I had my first OB appointment at 11 weeks. Baby was measuring right on track and both of us were doing great.
I had another OB appointment at 15 weeks where the ultrasound tech guessed that baby was a girl. At that appointment I was referred to a maternal fetal medicine doctor because of a concern my OB had, but everything looked great at the MFM appointment, and baby was confirmed to be a girl.
June 26 I had my 20 week ultrasound and an early gestational diabetes test (I had gestational diabetes with my son, so we wanted to catch it early this time around if I was going to have it again.) Baby girl looked wonderful, cervix looked long, my GD test came back negative.
Monday July 1, I had a bit of pink tinged discharge when I wiped. I called my OB's office and spoke to a nurse who said it sounded normal, to take it easy the rest of the day, and to call if it turned to bright red blood. Tuesday, the discharge had increased, so I called my OB and asked to be seen. The only available appointment was at an office 40 minutes away, but I decided it was important enough to go. I was taken to the ultrasound room right away where the ultrasound tech began with an over the belly ultrasound. Baby girl looked great, had a strong heartbeat and enough fluid. The ultrasound tech then switched to a trans vaginal ultrasound and became concerned. She asked me to stay lying down while she got the doctor. When Dr. T. came in, he looked at the ultrasound and told me that it looked like my bag of water was bulging, I had a small hole in my bag of water, and that I was 4 cm dilated. I was in preterm labor.
Dr. T. wanted to keep me at the hospital next to this clinic, but I knew that wouldn't work with my husband working almost an hour away, so I chose to drive back to our home town hospital. My husband met me there and I was taken directly to labor and delivery.
I was hooked up to the contraction monitor, given an IV, and baby's heart rate taken with a doppler since she was too small to be monitored with the over the belly monitor. A different OB, Dr. L came in and told me that the plan was to keep me lying down with my head lower than my feet in hopes that my bag of water would fall back behind my cervix, and my cervix could be stitched closed. I was also given medication to stop the contractions I was having.
I was 21 weeks and 2 days, and the ultimate goal was to keep me pregnant until at least 23 weeks so that I could be given steroid shots for baby girl's lungs. At first we were told I was going to stay in the hospital until 23 weeks, and then I would be moved to a different hospital that had a NICU where I would stay until I delivered. A few hours later, Dr. L told us that our insurance wouldn't pay for me to stay in the hospital until I reached 23 weeks, so I would be sent home.
Later that night, Dr. T came in and told us again that I would be staying in the hospital. We were very confused about all of the back and forth about the plan, but decided to take things day by day. I sent my husband home to be with our son and to sleep, and I settled in to try to rest.
The next morning, Dr. L came in and again told us that I was going to be sent home. She said that insurance wouldn't pay for me to stay, and the hospital wouldn't do anything special for me that we couldn't do at home. At this point, it was a waiting game to see if strict bedrest would keep me pregnant for the next week and a half. I was given the instructions to come into the ER if my contractions picked up, or if I had bright red blood.
I was sent home that afternoon and settled in for what we hoped would be a couple of weeks of lying around. I was allowed to get up to use the bathroom, but besides that, I was stayed horizontal. I fell asleep around 9 pm and woke up again at midnight with horrific back pains. My back had been sore all day due to the uncomfortable hospital beds, but this was worse. I tossed and turned for about an hour to try and make the back pain go away, but no matter the position, it just got worse. I woke my husband up around 1 am because I was getting scared. I knew I needed to stay on my back, but I couldn't handle the pain. I wasn't having contractions, and I wasn't bleeding, so we weren't sure if I needed to go back to the hospital, but we decided to anyways. In my head I thought, "if they could just give me something for the back pain, I can stay on my back again and we can keep baby girl safe."
While my husband was waking up our son, the back pain increased. I couldn't sit down in the car on my way to the hospital, it hurt too much. I started feeling like I needed to push, and right as we pulled up to the hospital, my water broke. As I got out of the car to get into a wheelchair, I felt our baby girl be born. I told the ER nurse what had happened, and he ran me up to L&D while my husband parked the car with our son.
I was taken into a room and put on a labor bed. As soon as my pants were taken off, our baby girl came fully out and the umbilical cord was cut by Dr. L. Our baby girl was taken over to the warming table to be looked after, but she was too small to survive. During all of this, my husband and son had come up to L&D and some amazing nurses offered to take care of our son so that he didn't have to be in the room with us. My husband was by my side as the nurses tried 5 times to start an IV, and while we waited for the placenta to come out. Finally they were able to start an IV and Pitocin was started to try and get my body to push the placenta out.
Dr. L ended up having to leave around this time and Dr. T was called in, I think around 3 am. Dr. T tried so hard to manually take out the placenta, which is the most painful thing I've ever had done to me. He got most of it out, but was worried that there were pieces still inside, so he opted to do a D&C to make sure everything was taken out. While I was in surgery, my husband called friends to come take our son so that we could have the day to mourn and figure out what our next steps were.
We held our baby girl before I went back to surgery and again after it was done. She was so tiny; 12.9 ounces and 11 inches long. She was absolutely perfect and healthy, for some reason my body just didn't want to hold onto her.
I stayed in the hospital for 24 hours so that I could get multiple doses of an antibiotic to make sure I didn't get an infection. I spoke to Dr. T before being discharged, and he apologized for what happened. He said that I should have never left the hospital, and while staying may not have changed the outcome, at least it wouldn't have happened at home/in the car. He also said that he didn't know I had been discharged until he got the call saying I had come back in labor. I have a 2 week postpartum appointment with him in a couple of days where I hope to discuss what could have caused this to happen.
It's been almost two weeks since our baby girl was born on July 4. Two weeks of mourning and going over the "what ifs". We will never truly know why this happened, or if we could have done anything different, which has been the hardest part. Physically I'm healing, but mentally and emotionally it's been really hard. We've had good days and bad days, and our family motto has become "take things one day at a time."
It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions these past few months. From being happy as a family of three, to learning I was pregnant, to wrapping our heads around becoming a family of four, to mourning the loss of our daughter. I have no idea if another pregnancy is in the future for us, but right now, I just want to focus on healing myself and loving on my little family.
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Thursday, August 24, 2017
The End
I think I'm finally in a good enough place to talk about what's happened over the last month and a half.
I had a positive pregnancy test at about 11 days past IUI. It was too light for how many days past IUI I was, but I scheduled a beta test anyways. Unfortunately because I got my blood taken on Friday, I didn't get the results back until Monday. I kept taking pregnancy tests, but the line got lighter and lighter, so I knew logically that things weren't going well, but my heart was hoping that the tests were faulty.
Monday afternoon I got a phone call from my RE's office, and as soon as I heard my RE's voice, I knew it wasn't good news. My HCG levels weren't high enough to sustain a viable pregnancy. I held it together to ask a few questions, but as soon as I hung up the phone, I broke down. Ended up leaving work early and going to sob in my car.
I met my husband at home and had to tell him the news. I hadn't told him about the positive test because I wanted the reassurance of the beta before getting his hopes up, so I had to tell him that I was losing the baby, which is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I started bleeding the next day and had a fairly light period, which was not what I was expecting. The next few weeks were really hard. I felt this constant weight on my chest, and was close to tears at all times. I don't know if it was hormones or the reality that our TTC journey was actually done, but I think I was in somewhat of a depressive state.
I started sorting through my son's baby clothes, getting them ready to sell at a consignment event in September. Going through those tiny sleepers and onesies was very difficult. Logically, I know it's just "stuff," but there was so much hope attached to those tiny clothes. Getting rid of them feels like I'm officially giving up hope.
My period started about a week and a half ago. I was absolutely dreading it; I was afraid it would trigger a wave of emotions and sadness, but I handled it better than I expected to. I'm not sure what we're going to do moving forward. I don't want to go on hormonal birth control because I'd like to see what my body is like without a bunch of hormones flowing through it for the first time in 5 years. Permanent birth control (getting my tubes tied or a vasectomy,) almost seems like betraying the dream. But, I don't know if I can live with that small hope every month, even if there's just the tiniest chance of conceiving spontaneously.
As time has gone on since the miscarriage, my emotions have leveled out. I'm not as sad all the time, and seeing newborn babies doesn't make me want to run to the bathroom to cry. But, there are some things that have been a stab to the heart. Filling out the family tree for my son's daycare was hard. Not filling out the "brothers and sisters" part stung, but when my son asked what a brother was, and why he didn't have one, I got emotional. It's going to be hard moving forward having to explain to my son that no matter how hard Mama and Daddy tried, we couldn't get him a baby brother or sister.
So, that's where we are now. I'm not sure if I'll update this space again since our TTC journey has officially come to a close. I want to thank everyone who has been with me for the past 5 years, I honestly don't know if I could have survived without your love and support.
I had a positive pregnancy test at about 11 days past IUI. It was too light for how many days past IUI I was, but I scheduled a beta test anyways. Unfortunately because I got my blood taken on Friday, I didn't get the results back until Monday. I kept taking pregnancy tests, but the line got lighter and lighter, so I knew logically that things weren't going well, but my heart was hoping that the tests were faulty.
Monday afternoon I got a phone call from my RE's office, and as soon as I heard my RE's voice, I knew it wasn't good news. My HCG levels weren't high enough to sustain a viable pregnancy. I held it together to ask a few questions, but as soon as I hung up the phone, I broke down. Ended up leaving work early and going to sob in my car.
I met my husband at home and had to tell him the news. I hadn't told him about the positive test because I wanted the reassurance of the beta before getting his hopes up, so I had to tell him that I was losing the baby, which is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I started bleeding the next day and had a fairly light period, which was not what I was expecting. The next few weeks were really hard. I felt this constant weight on my chest, and was close to tears at all times. I don't know if it was hormones or the reality that our TTC journey was actually done, but I think I was in somewhat of a depressive state.
I started sorting through my son's baby clothes, getting them ready to sell at a consignment event in September. Going through those tiny sleepers and onesies was very difficult. Logically, I know it's just "stuff," but there was so much hope attached to those tiny clothes. Getting rid of them feels like I'm officially giving up hope.
My period started about a week and a half ago. I was absolutely dreading it; I was afraid it would trigger a wave of emotions and sadness, but I handled it better than I expected to. I'm not sure what we're going to do moving forward. I don't want to go on hormonal birth control because I'd like to see what my body is like without a bunch of hormones flowing through it for the first time in 5 years. Permanent birth control (getting my tubes tied or a vasectomy,) almost seems like betraying the dream. But, I don't know if I can live with that small hope every month, even if there's just the tiniest chance of conceiving spontaneously.
As time has gone on since the miscarriage, my emotions have leveled out. I'm not as sad all the time, and seeing newborn babies doesn't make me want to run to the bathroom to cry. But, there are some things that have been a stab to the heart. Filling out the family tree for my son's daycare was hard. Not filling out the "brothers and sisters" part stung, but when my son asked what a brother was, and why he didn't have one, I got emotional. It's going to be hard moving forward having to explain to my son that no matter how hard Mama and Daddy tried, we couldn't get him a baby brother or sister.
So, that's where we are now. I'm not sure if I'll update this space again since our TTC journey has officially come to a close. I want to thank everyone who has been with me for the past 5 years, I honestly don't know if I could have survived without your love and support.
Friday, July 7, 2017
The Last Shot
Guess who didn't blog again after my laparoscopic surgery? Really killin' it at this whole blogging thing.
Anyhoo, had my surgery on April 13 which resulted in finding out that both tubes are almost entirely blocked (boo,) but no endometriosis (yay!)
Not much could be done for my poor tubes, so my RE suggested doing 3 IUIs with increased stimulation in hopes that having two or three eggs release would increase our chances of one getting through the blockage. IUI #1 was done at the beginning of May with 10 mg of Femara (instead of my normal 5 mg,) which resulted in one mature egg. End result was not pregnant, but I went to Disney Land for the first time ever and rode all of the roller coasters, so I wasn't too upset.
I took off the next cycle because we were traveling again, which brings us to this cycle. The plan was 10 mg Femara days 3 - 7, 75 unites Gonol - F days 7 - 9, ultrasound to check follicles on day 10. At the ultrasound, I had one lead follicle that was at 14.5, another at 12, and a couple at 11 and 10. The RE decided to trigger me that morning with an IUI the next day. Unfortunately my husband's count was only 3 million which is lower than my RE is typically willing to do an IUI with, but since we were there, she went ahead and did it. I started progesterone suppositories the next morning and will be on them until I get a positive pregnancy test, or my period comes.
It's been a week since the IUI and I have no idea which way this cycle will go. I have periods of hope where I think about estimated due dates and how we're going to announce to our families, but those are quickly overshadowed by thoughts of doubt. If it hasn't worked for the past two years, why would it work now?
Even though my RE is willing to do one more IUI, this will be our last cycle of treatment. I know in my heart of hearts that IVF would be the way to get us pregnant (or at least closer to,) but we can't financially afford it, and since we only want one more child, I don't want to have to deal with deciding what we'd do with leftover embryos.
I have a lot of emotions around deciding to stop trying for another baby. I'm simultaneously relieved and heartbroken. Since getting pregnant with our son was relatively "easy," (he was a Clomid and TI baby,) I full expected baby #2 would happen quickly. Learning that my body is even more broken than I originally thought has made it hard for me to trust and believe in its abilities. The ups and downs of cycling have impacted my ability to parent the child that I do have, and I'm ready for my emotions to be more steady. I also have a lot of guilt about the money we've spent. We could have used the money to start a college fund, or take a really awesome vacation. But, what's done is done, and I'm ready to move on, in whatever way that looks like.
Anyhoo, had my surgery on April 13 which resulted in finding out that both tubes are almost entirely blocked (boo,) but no endometriosis (yay!)
Not much could be done for my poor tubes, so my RE suggested doing 3 IUIs with increased stimulation in hopes that having two or three eggs release would increase our chances of one getting through the blockage. IUI #1 was done at the beginning of May with 10 mg of Femara (instead of my normal 5 mg,) which resulted in one mature egg. End result was not pregnant, but I went to Disney Land for the first time ever and rode all of the roller coasters, so I wasn't too upset.
I took off the next cycle because we were traveling again, which brings us to this cycle. The plan was 10 mg Femara days 3 - 7, 75 unites Gonol - F days 7 - 9, ultrasound to check follicles on day 10. At the ultrasound, I had one lead follicle that was at 14.5, another at 12, and a couple at 11 and 10. The RE decided to trigger me that morning with an IUI the next day. Unfortunately my husband's count was only 3 million which is lower than my RE is typically willing to do an IUI with, but since we were there, she went ahead and did it. I started progesterone suppositories the next morning and will be on them until I get a positive pregnancy test, or my period comes.
It's been a week since the IUI and I have no idea which way this cycle will go. I have periods of hope where I think about estimated due dates and how we're going to announce to our families, but those are quickly overshadowed by thoughts of doubt. If it hasn't worked for the past two years, why would it work now?
Even though my RE is willing to do one more IUI, this will be our last cycle of treatment. I know in my heart of hearts that IVF would be the way to get us pregnant (or at least closer to,) but we can't financially afford it, and since we only want one more child, I don't want to have to deal with deciding what we'd do with leftover embryos.
I have a lot of emotions around deciding to stop trying for another baby. I'm simultaneously relieved and heartbroken. Since getting pregnant with our son was relatively "easy," (he was a Clomid and TI baby,) I full expected baby #2 would happen quickly. Learning that my body is even more broken than I originally thought has made it hard for me to trust and believe in its abilities. The ups and downs of cycling have impacted my ability to parent the child that I do have, and I'm ready for my emotions to be more steady. I also have a lot of guilt about the money we've spent. We could have used the money to start a college fund, or take a really awesome vacation. But, what's done is done, and I'm ready to move on, in whatever way that looks like.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Laparoscopic Surgery
I had a sit down conversation with my RE two weeks ago to talk about our next steps. She suggested having laparoscopic surgery to check things out because she suspects something other than my PCOS is causing us not to succeed. She said she expects to find one of three things to be the culprit:
1. Endometriosis
2. Blocked tubes
3. Things didn't heal correctly after my c-section in 2014
I'm not really sure what the best outcome of the three is. Endo can be removed which will hopefully improve our chances over the next year. My RE said that surgery to un-block tubes isn't very successful, so if that's the problem, I'm assuming our journey is over. If my body didn't heal correctly after my c-section, I'm not sure what the course of action is to remedy that, besides maybe stitching things back to their normal places.
If the problem is something that can be treated with something other than IVF, my RE suggested hyper stimulation to increase the number of eggs I get with each cycle. I've only been getting one good egg each cycle, so she's wanting to see 2 or 3 to increase our chances. Obviously this increases our chances of multiples, but I'm not very worried about it (famous last words, eh?)
I just learned that I have to check in at 6:30 tomorrow (Thursday) morning, so if you happen to be awake at the time and want to send some good juju my way, I'd appreciate it.
I just learned that I have to check in at 6:30 tomorrow (Thursday) morning, so if you happen to be awake at the time and want to send some good juju my way, I'd appreciate it.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
0 for 9 (Yet Another Update)
I just got a comment on my last post, which made me realize that I never wrote an update about what has been going on with us.
Spoiler alert, I'm not pregnant.
Last I posted, I was on medications to get rid of a cyst that was found after my first IUI. Since then we did two more IUIs, neither of which were successful. I swear I saw a very faint positive test after our last IUI in January, but tests never got darker and I ended up getting my period a few days afterwards.
We decided to take February off because ovulation would have fallen right in the middle of my work's biggest fundraiser, and I couldn't take time off. My RE and I spoke over email a few times and her suggestions going forward were either a laparoscopy followed by IUIs with injectibles, or IVF. We're not doing IVF for numerous reasons, so I have an appointment at the end of March to speak with my RE about the laparoscopy.
I've been fighting with a lot of emotions about continuing treatment. We originally said we'd do 9 rounds (3 Clomid, 3 Femara and 3 IUIs,) and be done after that, but my heart isn't ready to be done yet. I'm also wanting to try and get to the bottom of why things aren't working out as easy as last time (my son is a Clomid with timed intercourse baby.) My RE wants to use the lap to check to see if my tubes are blocked, and to see if I have endometriosis, and I'm really curious if one of those reasons is why I'm not pregnant yet.
On the other hand, I have a lot of guilt about trying for a second baby. All of the time and money we've spent so far could have gone to something else that would benefit the child we already have. We're also in a really good place with our son. He's sleeping well, he's to the age where we can go out and do things with him, and he's really fun right now. I'm afraid that bringing in another baby is going to completely throw off the awesome groove we have. But then I feel guilty about not giving him a sibling, all that talk about having a life long friend and someone to support him when we pass gets to me.
Some days I am dead set on never having another kid, other days I cry over pregnancy announcements and ache for that newborn smell. It's a constant back and forth in my head, so I'm taking things one day at a time.
Does anyone have any helpful suggestions for the laparoscopy? My RE is 3 hours away, so I'm most nervous about driving back home after the surgery. Would it be best to get a hotel room that night? Any suggestions are much appreciated!
Spoiler alert, I'm not pregnant.
Last I posted, I was on medications to get rid of a cyst that was found after my first IUI. Since then we did two more IUIs, neither of which were successful. I swear I saw a very faint positive test after our last IUI in January, but tests never got darker and I ended up getting my period a few days afterwards.
We decided to take February off because ovulation would have fallen right in the middle of my work's biggest fundraiser, and I couldn't take time off. My RE and I spoke over email a few times and her suggestions going forward were either a laparoscopy followed by IUIs with injectibles, or IVF. We're not doing IVF for numerous reasons, so I have an appointment at the end of March to speak with my RE about the laparoscopy.
I've been fighting with a lot of emotions about continuing treatment. We originally said we'd do 9 rounds (3 Clomid, 3 Femara and 3 IUIs,) and be done after that, but my heart isn't ready to be done yet. I'm also wanting to try and get to the bottom of why things aren't working out as easy as last time (my son is a Clomid with timed intercourse baby.) My RE wants to use the lap to check to see if my tubes are blocked, and to see if I have endometriosis, and I'm really curious if one of those reasons is why I'm not pregnant yet.
On the other hand, I have a lot of guilt about trying for a second baby. All of the time and money we've spent so far could have gone to something else that would benefit the child we already have. We're also in a really good place with our son. He's sleeping well, he's to the age where we can go out and do things with him, and he's really fun right now. I'm afraid that bringing in another baby is going to completely throw off the awesome groove we have. But then I feel guilty about not giving him a sibling, all that talk about having a life long friend and someone to support him when we pass gets to me.
Some days I am dead set on never having another kid, other days I cry over pregnancy announcements and ache for that newborn smell. It's a constant back and forth in my head, so I'm taking things one day at a time.
Does anyone have any helpful suggestions for the laparoscopy? My RE is 3 hours away, so I'm most nervous about driving back home after the surgery. Would it be best to get a hotel room that night? Any suggestions are much appreciated!
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
0 for 7
3 cycles of TI with Clomid, 3 cycles of TI with Femara, and 1 cycle of IUI with Femara, and not even a hint of a positive pregnancy test.
I went on Monday for my baseline ultrasound to start another IUI cycle, and a 2 cm cyst was found on my right ovary. The RE that I spoke to that morning suggested cancelling this cycle because the cyst could interfere with ovulation, and when my RE called me later that afternoon, she agreed.
I am now on Norethindrone for the next three weeks to suppress my body in hopes the cyst will go away. I go back in 21 days for a second baseline ultrasound to see if everything is good to move forward.
Since we're only wanting to do 2 more IUIs, I asked the RE that was present on Monday if there is anything that we can do during these next two cycles to increase our chances of success. He suggested a laparoscopy to check for endo, including injectible medications, or doing a combination of Femara and Clomid.
As of this moment, I'm leaning against the laparoscopy. If endo is found, and our only chances of success is IVF, then we're done with TTC. We're just not willing to have left over embryos when we're only wanting one more child. But, on the flip side, is it worth throwing money at multiple IUIs when they're never going to work?
I've asked a few friends if they've ever heard of doing Clomid and Femara together, and no one has, so I'm going to ask for more clarification from my RE at my next appointment. Currently, I'm leaning towards injections, but that all depends on cost, especially with this IUI falling right before the holidays.
I'm simultaneously wanting to be pregnant, and wanting the TTC to stop. I was so happy when we weren't actively trying to conceive, but now my days are filled with pills, appointments, and disappointment, and it's really weighing on me. It broke my heart when I had to tell my husband that the IUI didn't work, and he said, "I really had hope this time." I'm ready to move on and focus on myself and my family, whatever size that may be.
I went on Monday for my baseline ultrasound to start another IUI cycle, and a 2 cm cyst was found on my right ovary. The RE that I spoke to that morning suggested cancelling this cycle because the cyst could interfere with ovulation, and when my RE called me later that afternoon, she agreed.
I am now on Norethindrone for the next three weeks to suppress my body in hopes the cyst will go away. I go back in 21 days for a second baseline ultrasound to see if everything is good to move forward.
Since we're only wanting to do 2 more IUIs, I asked the RE that was present on Monday if there is anything that we can do during these next two cycles to increase our chances of success. He suggested a laparoscopy to check for endo, including injectible medications, or doing a combination of Femara and Clomid.
As of this moment, I'm leaning against the laparoscopy. If endo is found, and our only chances of success is IVF, then we're done with TTC. We're just not willing to have left over embryos when we're only wanting one more child. But, on the flip side, is it worth throwing money at multiple IUIs when they're never going to work?
I've asked a few friends if they've ever heard of doing Clomid and Femara together, and no one has, so I'm going to ask for more clarification from my RE at my next appointment. Currently, I'm leaning towards injections, but that all depends on cost, especially with this IUI falling right before the holidays.
I'm simultaneously wanting to be pregnant, and wanting the TTC to stop. I was so happy when we weren't actively trying to conceive, but now my days are filled with pills, appointments, and disappointment, and it's really weighing on me. It broke my heart when I had to tell my husband that the IUI didn't work, and he said, "I really had hope this time." I'm ready to move on and focus on myself and my family, whatever size that may be.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
9 Chances
I've been meaning to write this post for a long time, but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order so that things make any sense.
We're currently on our third and final round of Femara. If this cycle doesn't work, we have 3 rounds of IUI, and then we're done.
It's scary to think that we could go through all of these treatments and still not come home with a baby at the end. When we were trying for baby #1, we would have gone to the ends of the earth to get pregnant, but now that we have K, it's hard to justify all of the money and time spent on TTC.
If I'm honest, I've struggled more with this round of TTC than I did our first. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we've put a limit on what we're willing to do, and with each month that is unsuccessful, it's one less chance we have.
3 rounds of Clomid
3 rounds of Femara
3 IUIs
9 chances to become pregnant, carry a healthy baby to term, and deliver it safely. I feel like the odds are not in our favor, and it's scary. I struggle with mourning every month that is unsuccessful, while wanting the months to go by faster so that we know what our future holds.
I'm also struggling with the idea of having another child. There are days that I feel like I'm failing K in every way possible and can't imagine having another to take care of. Then there are days that I see K interact with another child and think he would make the best big brother. There are also days that I look at my small family of 3 and feel complete. We're at a really good place with K right now, and I'm starting to get a sense of "me" again. Do I want to add a newborn to the mix and fall back into that haze of sleepless nights and diaper changes?
I think emotionally, I'm ready to be done with the logistics of making a baby. But, I know that if we don't go through all of our options, I will always ask the "what-ifs." No matter what happens, I'm ready for TTC and infertility to be behind us.
We're currently on our third and final round of Femara. If this cycle doesn't work, we have 3 rounds of IUI, and then we're done.
It's scary to think that we could go through all of these treatments and still not come home with a baby at the end. When we were trying for baby #1, we would have gone to the ends of the earth to get pregnant, but now that we have K, it's hard to justify all of the money and time spent on TTC.
If I'm honest, I've struggled more with this round of TTC than I did our first. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we've put a limit on what we're willing to do, and with each month that is unsuccessful, it's one less chance we have.
3 rounds of Clomid
3 rounds of Femara
3 IUIs
9 chances to become pregnant, carry a healthy baby to term, and deliver it safely. I feel like the odds are not in our favor, and it's scary. I struggle with mourning every month that is unsuccessful, while wanting the months to go by faster so that we know what our future holds.
I'm also struggling with the idea of having another child. There are days that I feel like I'm failing K in every way possible and can't imagine having another to take care of. Then there are days that I see K interact with another child and think he would make the best big brother. There are also days that I look at my small family of 3 and feel complete. We're at a really good place with K right now, and I'm starting to get a sense of "me" again. Do I want to add a newborn to the mix and fall back into that haze of sleepless nights and diaper changes?
I think emotionally, I'm ready to be done with the logistics of making a baby. But, I know that if we don't go through all of our options, I will always ask the "what-ifs." No matter what happens, I'm ready for TTC and infertility to be behind us.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
All I Ever Seem To Write Are Updates
Not a lot has happened since my last post.
My April/May cycle started at a point where we could have tried, but we had a fun, baby-free weekend planned for Memorial Day where I knew there would be drinking, so we decided to hold off one more month so I could partake in all the festivities.
My May/June cycle started over the weekend, right before I was going to leave for a work related trip to Miami. I assumed that my RE had sent in my Femara prescription back in April when I had my appointment, but found out she had not. I frantically emailed her to see if she could quickly send it in, but I didn't get a response until Monday afternoon. Unfortunately I was already in Miami with no car access (unless I wanted to pay for a taxi,) so this cycle became an unexpected med-free cycle.
I'm currently doing OPKs to see if I'm going to ovulate on my own, but I don't have my hopes up. We're planning on doing our first of three Femara cycles in July. If those don't work out, then we'll move to IUIs.
My April/May cycle started at a point where we could have tried, but we had a fun, baby-free weekend planned for Memorial Day where I knew there would be drinking, so we decided to hold off one more month so I could partake in all the festivities.
My May/June cycle started over the weekend, right before I was going to leave for a work related trip to Miami. I assumed that my RE had sent in my Femara prescription back in April when I had my appointment, but found out she had not. I frantically emailed her to see if she could quickly send it in, but I didn't get a response until Monday afternoon. Unfortunately I was already in Miami with no car access (unless I wanted to pay for a taxi,) so this cycle became an unexpected med-free cycle.
I'm currently doing OPKs to see if I'm going to ovulate on my own, but I don't have my hopes up. We're planning on doing our first of three Femara cycles in July. If those don't work out, then we'll move to IUIs.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
"Next Steps" RE Appointment Update
Basically the appointment boiled down to us doing 3 months of Femara with timed intercourse.
We discussed moving onto IUIs, and my RE said that since we don't seem to have any problems with K's side of things, an IUI doesn't really increase our chances of conceiving. She said that if we are really antsy to conceive, she would be ok moving onto an IUI right now, but unfortunately K isn't able to take the time off work, and we don't currently have the funds. She agreed to three months of Femara to see if the different medication would force my body into working, but doesn't feel comfortable doing more than 6 months of induced ovulation with timed intercourse, (3 months of Clomid followed by 3 months of Femara.) She said that if these next three months don't work, then the next step would be IUI.
I asked about a trigger shot, and she said that she doesn't feel that a trigger shot would help our chances. She feels that our bodies know the right time to ovulate better than medicine does, so as long as I get an LH surge on OPKs, a trigger shot isn't necessary.
She said that it might be a good idea to get frequent monitoring with my first cycle of Femara to see how many eggs I'm producing, but that is difficult to do when I have to take an entire day off work to drive to, and from, my RE. I'm going to call my OB's office and see if they're willing to help out with some remote monitoring, but I'm not getting my hopes up because they're a very busy office.
When I got home tonight, I started bleeding. I'm only 9 days past ovulation, so I'm unsure if it's mid-cycle spotting, or if I'm starting my period super early (this was an unmedicated cycle.) I've never had bleeding at this point of my cycle, so I have nothing to compare it to. If I have started my period, I'm going to email my RE to see if a short luteal phase during an unmedicated cycle is something she's worried about.
As of right now, I'm unsure when our first Femara cycle will be. I'm traveling almost every weekend in May, and K isn't with me for most of it, so trying to time intercourse will be difficult if I ovulate while we're apart. My RE did send in a prescription for a month of birth control so that if we decide to skip May, I can continue to have a regular cycle and not have to worry about when my period will arrive.
I feel defeated that money and lack of free time is what is potentially stopping us from growing our family. If these next three cycles with Femara don't work out, K is going to have to have a serious sit down conversation with his boss about having to take at least one day a month off work. I'm also confused about if there's a point in doing IUI if it won't increase our chances of conceiving. Has anyone's RE said something similar? My RE also said that it won't increase our chances of multiples, which I'm not sure is accurate, either. Looking back at my records, K's last semen analysis was 3 years ago (to the very month!) so I'm not sure if we need to do another one, even though his numbers were good last time.
I'll do a short update come May about if we've decided to do a medicated cycle or not. Thank you as always for the support!
We discussed moving onto IUIs, and my RE said that since we don't seem to have any problems with K's side of things, an IUI doesn't really increase our chances of conceiving. She said that if we are really antsy to conceive, she would be ok moving onto an IUI right now, but unfortunately K isn't able to take the time off work, and we don't currently have the funds. She agreed to three months of Femara to see if the different medication would force my body into working, but doesn't feel comfortable doing more than 6 months of induced ovulation with timed intercourse, (3 months of Clomid followed by 3 months of Femara.) She said that if these next three months don't work, then the next step would be IUI.
I asked about a trigger shot, and she said that she doesn't feel that a trigger shot would help our chances. She feels that our bodies know the right time to ovulate better than medicine does, so as long as I get an LH surge on OPKs, a trigger shot isn't necessary.
She said that it might be a good idea to get frequent monitoring with my first cycle of Femara to see how many eggs I'm producing, but that is difficult to do when I have to take an entire day off work to drive to, and from, my RE. I'm going to call my OB's office and see if they're willing to help out with some remote monitoring, but I'm not getting my hopes up because they're a very busy office.
When I got home tonight, I started bleeding. I'm only 9 days past ovulation, so I'm unsure if it's mid-cycle spotting, or if I'm starting my period super early (this was an unmedicated cycle.) I've never had bleeding at this point of my cycle, so I have nothing to compare it to. If I have started my period, I'm going to email my RE to see if a short luteal phase during an unmedicated cycle is something she's worried about.
As of right now, I'm unsure when our first Femara cycle will be. I'm traveling almost every weekend in May, and K isn't with me for most of it, so trying to time intercourse will be difficult if I ovulate while we're apart. My RE did send in a prescription for a month of birth control so that if we decide to skip May, I can continue to have a regular cycle and not have to worry about when my period will arrive.
I feel defeated that money and lack of free time is what is potentially stopping us from growing our family. If these next three cycles with Femara don't work out, K is going to have to have a serious sit down conversation with his boss about having to take at least one day a month off work. I'm also confused about if there's a point in doing IUI if it won't increase our chances of conceiving. Has anyone's RE said something similar? My RE also said that it won't increase our chances of multiples, which I'm not sure is accurate, either. Looking back at my records, K's last semen analysis was 3 years ago (to the very month!) so I'm not sure if we need to do another one, even though his numbers were good last time.
I'll do a short update come May about if we've decided to do a medicated cycle or not. Thank you as always for the support!
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Update
I'm currently in the TWW for my third cycle of Clomid, which obviously means the first two didn't work. Thankfully ovulation for these past two cycles haven't been as painful as the first, but I still feel a lot of twinges and pains in my ovary area. This cycle, my right ovary felt so large that it was difficult for me to walk!
If this cycle doesn't work out (which I'm having serious doubts that it will,) we have an appointment with my RE in late April to talk about next steps. I'm not sure if we'll be moving to Clomid with a trigger shot, or directly to an IUI, but either path is uncharted territory to me. I don't think we'll start either process until June because we're going on a mini vacation with a bunch of college friends in May and I don't want to be in the TWW during that time.
To be completely honest, when K was born, I "planned" (like you can ever plan anything with infertility,) to give him a sibling around the time he turned two. He turns two in August, and I'm actually glad that my plan didn't work out. K is discovering his independence and has been difficult some days (he has learned this high pitched squeal that I swear sends dogs running.) I can't imagine trying to parent him while being huge and on the hormonal roller coaster that is pregnancy. I think that giving him a sibling closer to age three will be better for all involved. At least that's what I'm telling myself when I see negative pregnancy tests.
If this cycle doesn't work out, I probably won't update again until our appointment in April. Thank you to those who continue to read and support me, it still means the world to me. <3
If this cycle doesn't work out (which I'm having serious doubts that it will,) we have an appointment with my RE in late April to talk about next steps. I'm not sure if we'll be moving to Clomid with a trigger shot, or directly to an IUI, but either path is uncharted territory to me. I don't think we'll start either process until June because we're going on a mini vacation with a bunch of college friends in May and I don't want to be in the TWW during that time.
To be completely honest, when K was born, I "planned" (like you can ever plan anything with infertility,) to give him a sibling around the time he turned two. He turns two in August, and I'm actually glad that my plan didn't work out. K is discovering his independence and has been difficult some days (he has learned this high pitched squeal that I swear sends dogs running.) I can't imagine trying to parent him while being huge and on the hormonal roller coaster that is pregnancy. I think that giving him a sibling closer to age three will be better for all involved. At least that's what I'm telling myself when I see negative pregnancy tests.
If this cycle doesn't work out, I probably won't update again until our appointment in April. Thank you to those who continue to read and support me, it still means the world to me. <3
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Surgery Results and TTC Update
Well, I had good intentions to update right after my surgery, but that obviously didn't happen.
Overall, surgery went well. It was scheduled for early in the morning, so my husband, son and I drove the night before and stayed in a hotel so we were able to get a fair amount of sleep. In the morning, we woke up, got dressed, got some breakfast for my husband and son that I was very jealous about, and drove to the hospital. I went to the check in area where I got my hospital bracelets, then was sent to the part of the hospital where the surgery was going to be held.
We waited in the waiting room for half an hour or so until my name was called. I was led back to a hallway of small rooms closed off with curtains. I was instructed to undress, put on a hospital robe, and met my nurse for the day, Ron. Ron was cracking jokes right and left, which relaxed my nerves a lot. I got my IV, signed a bunch of paperwork, and waited for my time in the OR.
At this point, my husband and son were able to come back and visit with me. My RE stopped by to say hello, and was able to meet my son for the first time which was very special. The night before, I had a nightmare where I woke up from surgery with my RE telling me things were worse than expected, so she had to preform a hysterectomy. I relayed my worry to my RE, and she reassured me that she would never make such a big decision without my consent.
Soon after, the anesthesiologist stopped by and said we were ready to roll. I gave my husband and son a kiss goodbye, and the anesthesiologist gave me some medicine to relax me. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. I wasn't groggy at all, but I had to pee so bad! I asked my nurse if I could get up to use the restroom, and she said I could either use a bedpan there, or I had to wait until I was wheeled back to my original room to get up and pee. Thankfully I was wheeled back to my room a few minutes later, and was able to get up easily and use the restroom.
I changed back into my own clothes and waited for my husband to come back. Once he was back with me, my RE stopped by and said that the surgery had gone well and she would call me the next day with the results. We were quickly sent on our way, and I was able to walk to the car with very little pain.
Unfortunately, my surgery fell on the Thursday before we were supposed to drive across the country for my husband's best friend's graduation. Right after the surgery, we hopped in the car and drove 10 hours to spend the night with my in laws. A few hours into the drive, I started to get feel some pain, like intense period cramps. By the time we had reached my in law's house, I was in a pretty intense amount of pain, probably from sitting in one position for so many hours. My RE had called in a prescription for 600 mg ibuprofen and a narcotic to my pharmacy at home, but we weren't able to stop by and get it before leaving for our trip. Thankfully my in laws had some high dose pain pills that took the edge off.
The rest of the weekend, I wasn't really in pain, but I was very aware of my uterus area. I did get a few sharp stabbings in my c-section scar when I would bend down to pick up my son, so I had my husband do a lot of the lifting that weekend. A week after the surgery, I was 100% back to normal.
The day after surgery, my RE called to say she had removed a band of scar tissue that was most likely from my c-section, but she sent it off to pathology just in case (as far as I know, it was benign.) I asked her about the trouble she had when she tried to insert the catheter during the SIS, and she said that there is also a band of scar tissue on the outside of my uterus, causing it to deviate. We talked about the game plan for the next few cycles, and agreed to do 3 cycles of Clomid.
I am currently in the TWW for my first cycle of Clomid. I had a very painful ovulation, so painful, that I was seriously worried that I had a burst ovarian cyst from the amount of pain I was feeling. I don't remember having those pains from previous Clomid cycles, so hopefully this means we got a good egg! I've been so busy with work and chasing a toddler that most of the time I forget we're actively TTC again, which is so different from when we were trying to conceive our son, and I was obsessed with every little twinge. I am hopeful that this cycle will work, but I won't be heartbroken if it doesn't. I'll update with the results of this cycle within the next week or so.
Overall, surgery went well. It was scheduled for early in the morning, so my husband, son and I drove the night before and stayed in a hotel so we were able to get a fair amount of sleep. In the morning, we woke up, got dressed, got some breakfast for my husband and son that I was very jealous about, and drove to the hospital. I went to the check in area where I got my hospital bracelets, then was sent to the part of the hospital where the surgery was going to be held.
We waited in the waiting room for half an hour or so until my name was called. I was led back to a hallway of small rooms closed off with curtains. I was instructed to undress, put on a hospital robe, and met my nurse for the day, Ron. Ron was cracking jokes right and left, which relaxed my nerves a lot. I got my IV, signed a bunch of paperwork, and waited for my time in the OR.
At this point, my husband and son were able to come back and visit with me. My RE stopped by to say hello, and was able to meet my son for the first time which was very special. The night before, I had a nightmare where I woke up from surgery with my RE telling me things were worse than expected, so she had to preform a hysterectomy. I relayed my worry to my RE, and she reassured me that she would never make such a big decision without my consent.
Soon after, the anesthesiologist stopped by and said we were ready to roll. I gave my husband and son a kiss goodbye, and the anesthesiologist gave me some medicine to relax me. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. I wasn't groggy at all, but I had to pee so bad! I asked my nurse if I could get up to use the restroom, and she said I could either use a bedpan there, or I had to wait until I was wheeled back to my original room to get up and pee. Thankfully I was wheeled back to my room a few minutes later, and was able to get up easily and use the restroom.
I changed back into my own clothes and waited for my husband to come back. Once he was back with me, my RE stopped by and said that the surgery had gone well and she would call me the next day with the results. We were quickly sent on our way, and I was able to walk to the car with very little pain.
Unfortunately, my surgery fell on the Thursday before we were supposed to drive across the country for my husband's best friend's graduation. Right after the surgery, we hopped in the car and drove 10 hours to spend the night with my in laws. A few hours into the drive, I started to get feel some pain, like intense period cramps. By the time we had reached my in law's house, I was in a pretty intense amount of pain, probably from sitting in one position for so many hours. My RE had called in a prescription for 600 mg ibuprofen and a narcotic to my pharmacy at home, but we weren't able to stop by and get it before leaving for our trip. Thankfully my in laws had some high dose pain pills that took the edge off.
The rest of the weekend, I wasn't really in pain, but I was very aware of my uterus area. I did get a few sharp stabbings in my c-section scar when I would bend down to pick up my son, so I had my husband do a lot of the lifting that weekend. A week after the surgery, I was 100% back to normal.
The day after surgery, my RE called to say she had removed a band of scar tissue that was most likely from my c-section, but she sent it off to pathology just in case (as far as I know, it was benign.) I asked her about the trouble she had when she tried to insert the catheter during the SIS, and she said that there is also a band of scar tissue on the outside of my uterus, causing it to deviate. We talked about the game plan for the next few cycles, and agreed to do 3 cycles of Clomid.
I am currently in the TWW for my first cycle of Clomid. I had a very painful ovulation, so painful, that I was seriously worried that I had a burst ovarian cyst from the amount of pain I was feeling. I don't remember having those pains from previous Clomid cycles, so hopefully this means we got a good egg! I've been so busy with work and chasing a toddler that most of the time I forget we're actively TTC again, which is so different from when we were trying to conceive our son, and I was obsessed with every little twinge. I am hopeful that this cycle will work, but I won't be heartbroken if it doesn't. I'll update with the results of this cycle within the next week or so.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
HSG Follow Up Appointment
I had my HSG follow up appointment on November 18. My RE started by saying that she had reviewed my HSG video and it looks like I had good filling and spillage from my left tube, and good filling, but undetermined spillage from my right. Any dye that spilled out of my right tube flowed behind my uterus, so it was difficult to see if the dye that we saw was from my left, or right tube.
She also noted that there was a mass in my uterus, that could be scar tissue from my c-section, or a polyp. She suggested doing an SIS to see if they could better figure out what, and where, the mass was. Thankfully, she was able to take time out of her schedule to do the SIS right away, which saved me from another 3 hour drive.
The plan was to insert a catheter into the uterus, fill the uterus with saline, and use an ultrasound probe to see the shape of the uterine cavity and whatever mass is in there. My RE had a student with her, so I gave the go ahead for the student to try to insert the catheter first. After a few unsuccessful and painful minutes, my RE decided to take over. There was lots of moving, scooting, repositioning and pain, but no matter how I laid, or how my RE tried to maneuver the catheter, she couldn't get it past my cervix.
She said she wasn't 100% sure why there seemed to be a blockage, but suggested we do surgery to explore what was blocking my cervix, and to see what the mass in my uterus is. My hysteroscopy is scheduled for December 10, at an unknown time. I will be put under for the procedure so my RE can "maneuver things more without causing pain."
I won't know the time of my surgery until the day before, so I've been in another 2ish week wait (funny how infertility revolves around those!) Thankfully the ladies in a Facebook group have been able to calm my fears and answer any questions I have. I'll update after the procedure to tell you what they found!
She also noted that there was a mass in my uterus, that could be scar tissue from my c-section, or a polyp. She suggested doing an SIS to see if they could better figure out what, and where, the mass was. Thankfully, she was able to take time out of her schedule to do the SIS right away, which saved me from another 3 hour drive.
The plan was to insert a catheter into the uterus, fill the uterus with saline, and use an ultrasound probe to see the shape of the uterine cavity and whatever mass is in there. My RE had a student with her, so I gave the go ahead for the student to try to insert the catheter first. After a few unsuccessful and painful minutes, my RE decided to take over. There was lots of moving, scooting, repositioning and pain, but no matter how I laid, or how my RE tried to maneuver the catheter, she couldn't get it past my cervix.
She said she wasn't 100% sure why there seemed to be a blockage, but suggested we do surgery to explore what was blocking my cervix, and to see what the mass in my uterus is. My hysteroscopy is scheduled for December 10, at an unknown time. I will be put under for the procedure so my RE can "maneuver things more without causing pain."
I won't know the time of my surgery until the day before, so I've been in another 2ish week wait (funny how infertility revolves around those!) Thankfully the ladies in a Facebook group have been able to calm my fears and answer any questions I have. I'll update after the procedure to tell you what they found!
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
HSG Results
Tuesday November 3rd, I had an HSG to check for scar tissue left over from my c-section. Thankfully I had an all female staff this time around, so they could emphasize with how crappy the situation was. Once I was prepped, the radiology tech inserted the speculum, and catheter which the dye would go through, but then had to pause. The doctor who wanted to look at the results wasn't in yet, so we had to wait for him to arrive. I had to lie for 10 minutes with the tech's hand in my vagina while we waited, so the catheter wouldn't fall out. Most awkward 10 minutes of my life. There's only so much small talk you can make with another woman's hand up your ho-ha.
Finally the doctor arrived, and we got the procedure underway. When the dye was squirted into my uterus, it was clear that both tubes filled, but we could only see spillage from the left tube. The doctor suggested doing another round of dye to see if we could get the right to spill, but we weren't able to see if it did.
Thankfully both times weren't too painful, besides a few sharp twinges. I had some spotting that afternoon and evening, but it cleared up by the next morning.
Thursday, I received this message from my RE:
Finally the doctor arrived, and we got the procedure underway. When the dye was squirted into my uterus, it was clear that both tubes filled, but we could only see spillage from the left tube. The doctor suggested doing another round of dye to see if we could get the right to spill, but we weren't able to see if it did.
Thankfully both times weren't too painful, besides a few sharp twinges. I had some spotting that afternoon and evening, but it cleared up by the next morning.
Thursday, I received this message from my RE:
I have a follow up appointment on the 18th at which I'm assuming we'll talk about the HSG results, results from the ultrasound, and schedule surgery. I'm hoping it's something small which can be taken care of with a simple surgery. I'm assuming it will be suggested that we don't TTC during December, so our first medicated cycle will be in January. I'll update after my appointment on the 18th.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Test Results - TTC Baby #2
I'm happy to say that all of my tests came back negative. My glucose level was slightly high, but I wasn't told to fast before the test, so that may have been the cause. The hemoglobin a1c test shows that I do not have diabetes, which is great. My dad did send me a message, saying that both Lupus and APS are auto-immune diseases, so even though I don't have markers for them now, there is a chance I could still get it later in life. But for now, I'm good to try and conceive again!
My next step is an HSG whenever my cycle starts to check for scar tissue left over from my c-section. My cycle is due to start over the weekend, so the HSG will either be next Tuesday, or the Tuesday after, depending on when my clinic has an opening.
My next step is an HSG whenever my cycle starts to check for scar tissue left over from my c-section. My cycle is due to start over the weekend, so the HSG will either be next Tuesday, or the Tuesday after, depending on when my clinic has an opening.
Monday, October 12, 2015
TTC Baby #2
Today Keegan and I drove the 2.5 hours to Alabama to meet with our RE to talk about trying for baby #2.
There has been a lot of talk about when to try again; if we want to try again, if we can handle it both emotionally and physically. I ended up calling in August, just to see if we could get in, and originally had an appointment in September. Unfortunately that was cancelled by my RE and moved to today. Over the past few weeks, I've simultaneously wanted the days to fly by, and to slow down. I'm excited about growing our family, but I'm not excited about the medications, the blood draws, and the disappointment. I tossed and turned all night, going between dreams of having multiples and waking up knowing in the pit of my stomach that this wouldn't work again.
The biggest worry that we have is that my father has antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, which makes his blood clot too easily. He also has Lupus and vitiligo. I noticed that I have vitiligo this summer, so I knew there was a chance that his other diseases could have been passed down to me as well. I was supposed to get tested when we were trying to conceive before, but our last ditch Clomid cycle worked before I could get tested. We decided that I needed to get tested before we have try to conceive again, because if I do have any of the diseases, we will seriously need to consider if we're going to have another biological child.
Dr. M agreed with my concerns, so I got 8 vials of blood drawn to test for all of that, along with diabetes. Dr. M was concerned about my chance of diabetes because I have PCOS, had gestational diabetes, and my c-section incision still isn't 100% healed, which can be an indicator of diabetes.
When my cycle starts in November, I will have an HSG done to see if there is any scar tissue left over from my c-section. If there is scar tissue in my uterus, I will need to have surgery to remove it so that it does not interfere with an embryo implanting. If I have scar tissue on one of my ovaries or fallopian tubes, then Dr. M said we can work with the other one. I'm not sure what will happen if there's tissue on both, we didn't discuss that.
If my blood work and HSG come back clean, then we will start cycles with Clomid. Clomid worked in the past, so we're hoping it'll work again. Dr. M said she's hoping to see me pregnant within the next 6 months, and while I appreciate her optimism, I'm not allowing myself to get my hopes up.
So for now, we wait. Wait on blood results, and then wait for my cycle to start so that I can do the HSG. Again, I'm anxious to get the ball rolling, but I'm also enjoying these last few weeks of freedom from needles and dildo cams.
There has been a lot of talk about when to try again; if we want to try again, if we can handle it both emotionally and physically. I ended up calling in August, just to see if we could get in, and originally had an appointment in September. Unfortunately that was cancelled by my RE and moved to today. Over the past few weeks, I've simultaneously wanted the days to fly by, and to slow down. I'm excited about growing our family, but I'm not excited about the medications, the blood draws, and the disappointment. I tossed and turned all night, going between dreams of having multiples and waking up knowing in the pit of my stomach that this wouldn't work again.
The biggest worry that we have is that my father has antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, which makes his blood clot too easily. He also has Lupus and vitiligo. I noticed that I have vitiligo this summer, so I knew there was a chance that his other diseases could have been passed down to me as well. I was supposed to get tested when we were trying to conceive before, but our last ditch Clomid cycle worked before I could get tested. We decided that I needed to get tested before we have try to conceive again, because if I do have any of the diseases, we will seriously need to consider if we're going to have another biological child.
Dr. M agreed with my concerns, so I got 8 vials of blood drawn to test for all of that, along with diabetes. Dr. M was concerned about my chance of diabetes because I have PCOS, had gestational diabetes, and my c-section incision still isn't 100% healed, which can be an indicator of diabetes.
When my cycle starts in November, I will have an HSG done to see if there is any scar tissue left over from my c-section. If there is scar tissue in my uterus, I will need to have surgery to remove it so that it does not interfere with an embryo implanting. If I have scar tissue on one of my ovaries or fallopian tubes, then Dr. M said we can work with the other one. I'm not sure what will happen if there's tissue on both, we didn't discuss that.
If my blood work and HSG come back clean, then we will start cycles with Clomid. Clomid worked in the past, so we're hoping it'll work again. Dr. M said she's hoping to see me pregnant within the next 6 months, and while I appreciate her optimism, I'm not allowing myself to get my hopes up.
So for now, we wait. Wait on blood results, and then wait for my cycle to start so that I can do the HSG. Again, I'm anxious to get the ball rolling, but I'm also enjoying these last few weeks of freedom from needles and dildo cams.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Update - Kieran Is Almost A Year!
Not really sure where I should start this since it's been almost 2 months since I've written here.
Life's good. Busy, but good. Kieran will be a year on August 14th and is an amazing little boy. He's pulling up, and is so close to walking. He's also babbling up a storm and his favorite word is "dada." We've started thinking about his first birthday party. We're going to do a small backyard BBQ, mostly because he's going to be one and won't remember it, but also because we're going to be coming back from vacation two days before the party, and won't have time for anything elaborate.
We've started talking about trying for baby #2. We've been loosely trying since my period came back in late April when I was about 7.5 months postpartum. I say "loosely" because we're trying the "track ovulation and have sex" approach, except I haven't been able to confirm ovulation during any of my cycles.
Cycle 1 (35 days long) there was no ovulation detected.
Cycle 2 (36 days long) the most positive OPK was on CD29, but I wouldn't call it positive enough for ovulation.
I'm currently on cycle 3 which started unexpectedly with spotting on CDs 17, 18, 19 and 20, then full blown flow on what was supposed to be CD21. I know for a fact that I didn't ovulate because I had only stopped bleeding 7 days before I started spotting again.
My periods have been a lot longer and heavier postpartum, so I'm hoping they regulate and lighten up soon. I went back on Metformin through my general physician and am back up to 2000 mg per day. It's been making me sicker than I remember before I was pregnant, but that's most likely due to the fact that I'm not doing the low amylose diet like I was before.
I also recently realized that I have vitiligo, like my dad does. I suspected that I had it for a while, because white patches can be seen on my knees when I get some sun, but in June I realized it had spread to my hands. My dad said that his got worse in his mid-20s as well, so I suppose it's just a matter of waiting to see how bad it gets. Vitiligo is an autoimmune disease, so I'm going to bring it up to my RE when we go back to her and see if she thinks it has anything to do with my infertility.
We've decided to speak to my OB and see if she's willing to do anything treatments with us before going straight back to our RE. I love working with my RE, but she's 3 hours away and since Kieran is only in childcare 2 days a week, it makes planning trips over there difficult if both Keegan and I want to go. I go back for my yearly well woman check up some time in August, so I'm going to speak with my OB then about what the possibilities are.
Hope you all are well. I'm still reading, even if I'm not commenting much. Twitter and Facebook are better ways to keep in touch with me, so let me know if you want to be friends on either of those platforms.
Life's good. Busy, but good. Kieran will be a year on August 14th and is an amazing little boy. He's pulling up, and is so close to walking. He's also babbling up a storm and his favorite word is "dada." We've started thinking about his first birthday party. We're going to do a small backyard BBQ, mostly because he's going to be one and won't remember it, but also because we're going to be coming back from vacation two days before the party, and won't have time for anything elaborate.
We've started talking about trying for baby #2. We've been loosely trying since my period came back in late April when I was about 7.5 months postpartum. I say "loosely" because we're trying the "track ovulation and have sex" approach, except I haven't been able to confirm ovulation during any of my cycles.
Cycle 1 (35 days long) there was no ovulation detected.
Cycle 2 (36 days long) the most positive OPK was on CD29, but I wouldn't call it positive enough for ovulation.
I'm currently on cycle 3 which started unexpectedly with spotting on CDs 17, 18, 19 and 20, then full blown flow on what was supposed to be CD21. I know for a fact that I didn't ovulate because I had only stopped bleeding 7 days before I started spotting again.
My periods have been a lot longer and heavier postpartum, so I'm hoping they regulate and lighten up soon. I went back on Metformin through my general physician and am back up to 2000 mg per day. It's been making me sicker than I remember before I was pregnant, but that's most likely due to the fact that I'm not doing the low amylose diet like I was before.
I also recently realized that I have vitiligo, like my dad does. I suspected that I had it for a while, because white patches can be seen on my knees when I get some sun, but in June I realized it had spread to my hands. My dad said that his got worse in his mid-20s as well, so I suppose it's just a matter of waiting to see how bad it gets. Vitiligo is an autoimmune disease, so I'm going to bring it up to my RE when we go back to her and see if she thinks it has anything to do with my infertility.
We've decided to speak to my OB and see if she's willing to do anything treatments with us before going straight back to our RE. I love working with my RE, but she's 3 hours away and since Kieran is only in childcare 2 days a week, it makes planning trips over there difficult if both Keegan and I want to go. I go back for my yearly well woman check up some time in August, so I'm going to speak with my OB then about what the possibilities are.
Hope you all are well. I'm still reading, even if I'm not commenting much. Twitter and Facebook are better ways to keep in touch with me, so let me know if you want to be friends on either of those platforms.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
TMI Of A Different Sort
Stole this from Tracy at Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen. Thought these questions would be fun to answer so you can learn things about me that don't have to do with my lady bits.
Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Lifeguard/swim coach/swim class instructor. My first "big girl" job that lasted me through high school and the majority of college. I was a lifeguard during the summers (and sometimes on the weekends during the school year,) a swim team coach during the summers, and a swim class instructor during the school years. Seeing 4 year olds overcome their fear of the water has been one of my proudest moments.
2. Cashier at my college's art museum gift shop. Work study job that paid waaaaaaaaaay too little.
3. Cashier and key holder at Hot/Topic. Love the people I worked with, hated the (majority) of the spoiled teens that came in to shop. It was always fun to help Grandma pick out the long pants with chains for her sweet Johnny's Christmas present, though.
4. Gallery Director at a non-profit art gallery. Was an art major in school and figured I would be living in a cardboard box while working at the above mentioned store the rest of my life. Very thankful that I found a job in my major. Kind of makes those thousands of dollars in debt worth it.
Four movies I’ve watched more than once:
1. Pitch Perfect - me too Tracy!
2. The Sound of Music - have all of the songs memorized
3. Pretty much any Pixar movie
4. Fast and Furious 1-3. Haven't seen any of them past the third movie.
Four books I’d recommend:
1. The Harry Potter Series. Have read the entire series more times than I can count.
2. The Help - both the book and the movie
3. The Hunger Games - I'll admit it, I like young adult books
4. I can't think of another. I used to read all the time, but I can't seem to remember any of the books I liked!
Four cities I’ve lived in:
1. Guelph, Ontario, Canada (born there!)
2. Columbia, Missouri
3. Starkville, Mississippi
4. Other small town in Mississippi that I'm not naming because I currently live there. I haven't lived many places!
Four places I’ve visited:
1. Toronto, Ontarion Canada. The majority of my extended family on my dad's side lives in and around Toronto. We used to visit twice a year when I was growing up, but that slowed down once I started working. Now that I'm an "adult" with "money," we've started trying to visit more often.
2. Atlanta, Georgia - closest IKEA to us. We typically go once or twice a year to wander around the store and come back with furniture we don't really need.
3. KC Kansas / KC Missouri. Went there for swim meets while I was growing up, now we visit at least once a year to see some of Keegan's extended family.
4. Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. Mom's side of the family lives in and around there. We don't get over that way as often as Toronto, but we try once every 5 years or so. Baby boy and I are flying into Seattle and then driving over the border in June if anyone wants to meet up!
Four Places I Could Visit Over and Over:
1. KC Kansas/KC Missouri. Family, booming art and culture scene, good food.
2. Anywhere in Europe. Have never been, but want to go desperately.
3. Peoria, Illinois. Just went there over Memorial Day to visit two of our best friends (and Kieran's godparents,) and I love the city. Big enough to have a Target, but small enough to have wonderful parks and a good homey feeling. Also close to Chicago for fun weekends.
4. Saint Louis. I feel like the Lou has a bad rap, but it is a very interesting city with lots of fun (and free!) things to do.
Four things I just won’t eat:
1. Mushrooms. Can't get over the texture.
2. Fish of any type. My dad works with fish for a living, and seeing jars and jars of fish in formaldehyde turned me off for life.
3. Hot dogs. I was pretty much a vegetarian as a kid, and although I've started eating meat as an adult, hot dogs are just something I can't make myself try.
4. Most types of meat. I'll eat chicken, beef and turkey on Thanksgiving, but lamb, fish, sausage, and pork (besides bacon,) turns me off.
Four things I could eat every day:
1. Fruit of any kind.
2. Chocolate, especially if it's paired with peanut butter.
3. Cheese, hands down
4. Bread of any type. I can sit and eat bread and butter like no one else, which is sooooooooo bad for me. Currently working on my carb addiction.
Four TV shows I used to watch and miss (and watch in reruns as much as I can):
We don't have cable, so there are a lot of TV shows I miss. Think of most TLC and ABC Family shows.
Four things I’m looking forward to this year:
1. Taking Kieran to visit my mom's side of the family. None of them have met him yet!
2. Kieran's first birthday and Christmas. Seeing him ripping paper is going to be one of the highlights of this year.
3. Celebrating our anniversary
4. Continuing to grow in my job
Four things I need right now:
1. A maid, cook, and personal assistant. There are not enough hours in the day to do all of these adult things.
2. A piece of chocolate cake. I've been craving cake for months now.
3. More vacation days. Living so far away from friends and family sucks when you can only take 10 days off work.
4. A restful night of sleep
Four dreams I have for our future:
1. To build new traditions as a family while continuing to celebrate the ones Keegan and I grew up with (totally stole this from Tracey.)
2. To grow old with Keegan while setting an example of what a fun, healthy, loving relationship is.
3. To always be the best mom and wife my family needs, so matter where that takes me
4. To stay close with our friends and family, even though we live so far away. So thankful for technology that allows us to connect with our loved ones.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Mother's Day On The Other Side
It's taken me longer than I wanted to get this post out due to a mix of emotions and an internal battle about if I wanted clog your readers with yet another Mother's Day post. Ultimately I decided to give it a shot. My emotions are still a jumbled mess, so this won't be the most eloquent thing you've ever read.
My first Mother's Day on the "other side" was a lot different that I expected. I'll admit that Mother's Day weekend was difficult for me. The hurtful feelings of past Mother's Days were softened by the smiling boy who brought me a present in bed on Sunday morning, but they were still there. I was in a funk all weekend, and I think it was a combination of happiness for myself, mixed with guilt, and sadness for others. I have a tendency to take on other's sadness and pain, and seeing so many of my IF friends struggling, really took a toll on me. I found it difficult to be happy and excited when I knew my excitement was causing other's pain.
All in all, I did have a good first Mother's Day. We went out to eat for lunch, did some grocery shopping, and splurged with some frozen yogurt. Keegan got me this figurine because he said that it remind him of how I often hold Kieran. I also got lots of snuggles, from both of my boys, which helped my mood.
I thought a lot about my IF friends over the weekend. Whether you had a wonderful Mother's Day, or you spent the day counting down the hours until it was over, I thought of you.
My first Mother's Day on the "other side" was a lot different that I expected. I'll admit that Mother's Day weekend was difficult for me. The hurtful feelings of past Mother's Days were softened by the smiling boy who brought me a present in bed on Sunday morning, but they were still there. I was in a funk all weekend, and I think it was a combination of happiness for myself, mixed with guilt, and sadness for others. I have a tendency to take on other's sadness and pain, and seeing so many of my IF friends struggling, really took a toll on me. I found it difficult to be happy and excited when I knew my excitement was causing other's pain.
All in all, I did have a good first Mother's Day. We went out to eat for lunch, did some grocery shopping, and splurged with some frozen yogurt. Keegan got me this figurine because he said that it remind him of how I often hold Kieran. I also got lots of snuggles, from both of my boys, which helped my mood.
I thought a lot about my IF friends over the weekend. Whether you had a wonderful Mother's Day, or you spent the day counting down the hours until it was over, I thought of you.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Microblog Monday: Taking A Moment
Kieran fell asleep on me when I was trying to get him down for his nap this morning. It's rare for him to fall asleep on me these days, so even though I had work to get done, I let him sleep. He stirred after about 20 minutes, so I transferred him to his crib, but those 20 minutes of staring at his sleeping face were perfect.
I thought back to all those months of trying to get pregnant. The medications, the blood draws, the timed sex. The hope, and then the crushing disappointment when another month failed. I also thought of those of you who are still trying. I hope with all of my heart that your dreams come true, and you can also have a little one asleep on your lap someday soon.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Let's Talk About Breastfeeding
All throughout my pregnancy, I heard stories of how difficult labor is, how hard it is function on so little sleep in the newborn stage, how hard it is to not have any "me" time. Everyone failed to mention, however, how hard breastfeeding is, and I really wish someone had told me.
I don't want to scare anyone who is pregnant, or still trying, but breastfeeding, and eventually deciding to stop, is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.
Once my milk came in, Kieran had a pretty good latch, and was a good eater. He ate best in the football hold on the right side, but we were able to do the "normal" cradle hold on the left. My nipples were sore for a few days in the beginning, but they never cracked or bled.
From the outside, it looked like we had breastfeeding down. But internally, I was constantly worried about my supply. I started pumping almost from day one because I thought Kieran would be going to daycare one day, and I wanted to have an ample freezer stash built up. I could never get more than an ounce out of each side per session, but everyone told me not to worry because what you were able to pump wasn't an indicator of what baby was able to get.
At Kieran's one month appointment, he had only gained 12 ounces from birth and had dropped from the 92nd percentile to the 43rd. At his two month, he had only gained a pound and 7 ounces. At four months, he had only gained two pounds, 10 ounces and was up every 45 minutes throughout the night to eat. I knew then, that he wasn't getting the food that he needed.
Even though I was pumping multiple times a day, breastfeeding on demand, taking fenugreek, eating oatmeal, and drinking enough water to drown, my supply was still tiny. It was suggested that I start supplementing with formula to make sure Kieran was getting the nutrients he needed.
Breaking out that can of formula I had hid in his closet "just in case" was the hardest thing I ever did. I bawled when I gave Kieran his first bottle of formula because I felt like such a failure and a bad mother. Everyone told me that "breast is best" and no one complained about how difficult it was, so I figured I was doing something wrong.
Since starting formula, my supply continued to drop, and eventually pretty much disappeared. I decided last week to stop breastfeeding when I tried to feed Kieran and he screamed at the breast because nothing was coming out. I was only getting half an ounce after pumping both breasts for 30 minutes, so I knew my supply was next to nothing.
Deciding to stop breastfeeding has come with a lot of guilt. I had dreams of breastfeeding Kieran until he self weened, even if that meant he waited until he was two. My dream of a drug free vaginal birth was taken from me, so I was really hoping breastfeeding would work out, but it was just one more thing my body failed at. I am thankful that Kieran was exclusively breastfed for 4 months, and getting some breast milk up until 7 months, but I will forever wish it was longer.
Even thought I know I'm doing what's best for my son, there will always be a part of me that will feel guilty for not trying harder, for not trying one more supplement or pumping schedule that promised to increase my supply. Even though I talked to Kieran's pediatrician, and the hospital lactation consultant, both who told me to use formula, I wonder if I had searched for a more understanding expert, that things would have turned out differently.
I am lucky to have met a wonderful group of women on Twitter who have supported me throughout these tough decisions. Some of them exclusively breastfed, some exclusively pump, some do a mix of formula and breast milk, some use formula. All of them, however, have never judged me for my decisions, and have always been there with a kind word. I've also learned that I'm not the only one who has struggled with breastfeeding, or the guilt of not succeeding.
I wonder why women can swap stories of torn vaginas and multiple-day labors like they're nothing, but they can't discuss the difficulties of breastfeeding. Is it because breastfeeding is supposed to be so "natural" and admitting to anything else will be looked down upon? I, for one, vow to share my difficulties in hopes of letting expectant mothers know that breastfeeding is hard work. There are resources out there that can help, and I am always here if you have questions or need someone to talk to. Over my TTC and mothering journeys, I have met a lot of wonderful women, so if I don't know the answer, I'm sure I can find someone who does.
If I can offer any advice to expectant mothers, it is to have someone on your side who will support you in your breastfeeding journey. My husband always cheered me on while I tried to breastfeed, and was a wonderful shoulder to cry on when I decided enough was enough. I'm sure I would have given up a lot sooner if it wasn't for the support of my husband and Twitter friends.
Anyone else had breastfeeding difficulties? Have any amazing resources, tips or tricks to share?
I don't want to scare anyone who is pregnant, or still trying, but breastfeeding, and eventually deciding to stop, is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.
Once my milk came in, Kieran had a pretty good latch, and was a good eater. He ate best in the football hold on the right side, but we were able to do the "normal" cradle hold on the left. My nipples were sore for a few days in the beginning, but they never cracked or bled.
From the outside, it looked like we had breastfeeding down. But internally, I was constantly worried about my supply. I started pumping almost from day one because I thought Kieran would be going to daycare one day, and I wanted to have an ample freezer stash built up. I could never get more than an ounce out of each side per session, but everyone told me not to worry because what you were able to pump wasn't an indicator of what baby was able to get.
At Kieran's one month appointment, he had only gained 12 ounces from birth and had dropped from the 92nd percentile to the 43rd. At his two month, he had only gained a pound and 7 ounces. At four months, he had only gained two pounds, 10 ounces and was up every 45 minutes throughout the night to eat. I knew then, that he wasn't getting the food that he needed.
Even though I was pumping multiple times a day, breastfeeding on demand, taking fenugreek, eating oatmeal, and drinking enough water to drown, my supply was still tiny. It was suggested that I start supplementing with formula to make sure Kieran was getting the nutrients he needed.
Breaking out that can of formula I had hid in his closet "just in case" was the hardest thing I ever did. I bawled when I gave Kieran his first bottle of formula because I felt like such a failure and a bad mother. Everyone told me that "breast is best" and no one complained about how difficult it was, so I figured I was doing something wrong.
Since starting formula, my supply continued to drop, and eventually pretty much disappeared. I decided last week to stop breastfeeding when I tried to feed Kieran and he screamed at the breast because nothing was coming out. I was only getting half an ounce after pumping both breasts for 30 minutes, so I knew my supply was next to nothing.
Deciding to stop breastfeeding has come with a lot of guilt. I had dreams of breastfeeding Kieran until he self weened, even if that meant he waited until he was two. My dream of a drug free vaginal birth was taken from me, so I was really hoping breastfeeding would work out, but it was just one more thing my body failed at. I am thankful that Kieran was exclusively breastfed for 4 months, and getting some breast milk up until 7 months, but I will forever wish it was longer.
Even thought I know I'm doing what's best for my son, there will always be a part of me that will feel guilty for not trying harder, for not trying one more supplement or pumping schedule that promised to increase my supply. Even though I talked to Kieran's pediatrician, and the hospital lactation consultant, both who told me to use formula, I wonder if I had searched for a more understanding expert, that things would have turned out differently.
I am lucky to have met a wonderful group of women on Twitter who have supported me throughout these tough decisions. Some of them exclusively breastfed, some exclusively pump, some do a mix of formula and breast milk, some use formula. All of them, however, have never judged me for my decisions, and have always been there with a kind word. I've also learned that I'm not the only one who has struggled with breastfeeding, or the guilt of not succeeding.
I wonder why women can swap stories of torn vaginas and multiple-day labors like they're nothing, but they can't discuss the difficulties of breastfeeding. Is it because breastfeeding is supposed to be so "natural" and admitting to anything else will be looked down upon? I, for one, vow to share my difficulties in hopes of letting expectant mothers know that breastfeeding is hard work. There are resources out there that can help, and I am always here if you have questions or need someone to talk to. Over my TTC and mothering journeys, I have met a lot of wonderful women, so if I don't know the answer, I'm sure I can find someone who does.
If I can offer any advice to expectant mothers, it is to have someone on your side who will support you in your breastfeeding journey. My husband always cheered me on while I tried to breastfeed, and was a wonderful shoulder to cry on when I decided enough was enough. I'm sure I would have given up a lot sooner if it wasn't for the support of my husband and Twitter friends.
Anyone else had breastfeeding difficulties? Have any amazing resources, tips or tricks to share?
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