First of all, I want to thank everyone who left sweet comments on yesterday's post. I seriously wouldn't survive this journey without you lovely ladies.
Secondly, a cycle update. I went in this morning for blood work. I find it sad that the lab tech knows who I am, what I'm there for, and which is my best vein. I'm there way too often. Fingers crossed that my cholesterol is down so Dr. B can stop guilt tripping me about it.
Third thing: I want to do a Q&A session with you ladies. I've always wanted to do one on my other blog, but I only had a few followers, all of which were friends or family. I love it when other bloggers do a Q&A post because I find that I learn some things about them that wouldn't necessarily come up in regular blog posts.
So, here's the deal: Ask any and all questions, they don't have to be infertility related. I'll answer almost anything (well, except my favorite sex position and questions like that.) Please leave questions in the comments of this post, and I'll answer them sometime next week!
I hope that everyone is having a good week so far! I'll update tomorrow with how my appointment went.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Admitting Defeat
Today is Cycle Day 1.
I'm honestly not surprised. I started spotting yesterday, so I knew it was coming.
I've never cried over a cycle before, but when I first started spotting yesterday, a few tears fell.
I just had so much hope this cycle. The chance of being able to tell our families in person made me really think that this cycle was the one. I guess it would have been too perfect.
I have an appointment with Dr. B on Thursday. I'm expecting to get the results of Keegan's SA then, and I suppose we'll discuss our next steps. I don't know how much more of the "infertility workup" we have left, so I honestly don't know what else to expect from Thursday's appointment.
I'm so sorry this post is such a downer. I try to not let failed cycles get to me, but this one has. Thank you so so so much to all of you for the support. I don't know what I'd do with out you ladies. <3
I'm honestly not surprised. I started spotting yesterday, so I knew it was coming.
I've never cried over a cycle before, but when I first started spotting yesterday, a few tears fell.
I just had so much hope this cycle. The chance of being able to tell our families in person made me really think that this cycle was the one. I guess it would have been too perfect.
I have an appointment with Dr. B on Thursday. I'm expecting to get the results of Keegan's SA then, and I suppose we'll discuss our next steps. I don't know how much more of the "infertility workup" we have left, so I honestly don't know what else to expect from Thursday's appointment.
I'm so sorry this post is such a downer. I try to not let failed cycles get to me, but this one has. Thank you so so so much to all of you for the support. I don't know what I'd do with out you ladies. <3
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's Day
I just want to wish a happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers out there...
...those who are still wishing and hoping to hold their babies in their arms
...those who are growing their babies in their bellies
...those with newborns, dealing with sleepless nights
...those who just sent off their babies to preschool/kindergarten for the first time
...those who have sent their babies off into the world to do great things
...those who have lost their babies
We are all mothers in one way or another, so I salute all of you and hope that you have an amazing Mothers Day today. If celebrating Mother's Day is too painful, then I hope you have a great Sunday. Take some time out to pamper yourself and celebrate the great things you have in your life.
Love,
Aislinn
...those who are still wishing and hoping to hold their babies in their arms
...those who are growing their babies in their bellies
...those with newborns, dealing with sleepless nights
...those who just sent off their babies to preschool/kindergarten for the first time
...those who have sent their babies off into the world to do great things
...those who have lost their babies
We are all mothers in one way or another, so I salute all of you and hope that you have an amazing Mothers Day today. If celebrating Mother's Day is too painful, then I hope you have a great Sunday. Take some time out to pamper yourself and celebrate the great things you have in your life.
Love,
Aislinn
Friday, May 10, 2013
These Emotions Are WHACK!
I don't know if I should chalk up my crazy emotions to pregnancy (oh how I hope!,) or to the start of my period, but oh my gosh, I feel like a crazy lady recently.
Last night is the perfect example. Keegan and I were lying in bed watching How It's Made on Netflix. Don't ask why, but about three, maybe four years ago, this show became the show we fall asleep to. We've watched all the episodes on Netflix over and over again, but yet we still seem to find ones we haven't seen before.
Anyways, last night was an episode explaining how chicks are hatched, sorted, and then sold to farmers either for their eggs or their meat. I won't get into the ethical treatment of animals here, but randomly, in the middle of the show, I turned to Keegan and started tearing up. He asked what was wrong, and I said that I felt bad for the baby chicks because they didn't have a momma chicken with them and they were being pushed around by this big humans and they didn't know what was going on and I think they're scared.
I'm 99% sure I was making this face:
Last night is the perfect example. Keegan and I were lying in bed watching How It's Made on Netflix. Don't ask why, but about three, maybe four years ago, this show became the show we fall asleep to. We've watched all the episodes on Netflix over and over again, but yet we still seem to find ones we haven't seen before.
Anyways, last night was an episode explaining how chicks are hatched, sorted, and then sold to farmers either for their eggs or their meat. I won't get into the ethical treatment of animals here, but randomly, in the middle of the show, I turned to Keegan and started tearing up. He asked what was wrong, and I said that I felt bad for the baby chicks because they didn't have a momma chicken with them and they were being pushed around by this big humans and they didn't know what was going on and I think they're scared.
I'm 99% sure I was making this face:
Yes, you read that right. I started crying for baby chicks that have long been gone from this earth. There have been a other similar episodes, but I think this is by far the funniest (and maybe makes me look the most crazy?)
I hope that either I get a positive test so that I can blame these emotions on the growing baby, or my period starts so I know I'll be back to "normal" in a few days.
Has pregnancy or PMS ever made you cry over something as silly as baby chicks before? Please someone tell me I'm not the only one who's kidnapped by their emotions ever month. My poor, poor husband.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Losing Hope
I've tested the night of 7 dpo, (Tuesday night,) and the mornings of 8 dpo and 9 dpo (Wednesday and Thursday.) They were all negative.
Now, I know that it's still early. I know that these negatives could turn into positives in a few days. I know all of these things, but my hope is still slipping away.
If this cycle works, it would almost be too perfect. Keegan's cousin is visiting us next weekend, and she's been one of my biggest supporters, so I would be thriled to tell her in person. Memorial day is coming up which means that we could potentially go back to Missouri and tell Keegan's parents. My parents are considering coming down to Mississippi the first week of June, so we would be able to tell them in person. When we moved so far away from family and friends, I accepted the idea that we would have to spread the news over Skype, email and text messages. However, I feel like the chance of seeing the three most important parties all within a month of each other is just too perfect.
I was so sure this cycle would work, but now I think that I just had more hope this cycle. We still haven't heard the results from Keegan's SA, and we probably won't until my next appointment on the 16th. I'm just so scared that something is wrong with him and we'll be dealing with both male and female factor infertility. I'm scared that my doctor will tell us that only IUI or IVF will work for us. I'm scared of the financial aspect of it all. I was so hopeful that this cycle would work so that we wouldn't have to talk about IUIs or IVF. We'd be one of those success stories that magically got pregnant right before having to move onto the "big guns."
Keegan and I talked about it last night and he surprised me by saying he'd be ok with moving onto an IUI if it comes down to that. I figured he would want to wait a few more cycles, but he said he was ready to move on. His only request was that we schedule it a month or two out so that he could tell his boss that he'd be out for a day. I reminded him that we really don't have a say in when an IUI happens, it really depends on when my body decides to ovulate. He'd probably have 24 or 36 hours at the most to request time off. Sometimes I forget how little he knows about the whole process.
So, that's where we are currently. I still have some symptoms, but I can mostly explain them away:
- Nausea: I was so nauseous the last day of the conference I was at (Tuesday.) I only ate a few pieces of fruit for breakfast, some mashed potatoes for lunch, and a few pieces of pizza for dinner once I got back home. Wednesday, I woke up feeling fine, but got nauseous closer to bed time.
- Sore boobs. I noticed last night that my boobs are pretty tender, but I also get that around the time of my period arriving.
- Still bloated like a whale, but that also happens near the onset of my period.
- During the conference, I was peeing like every hour and a half, but that could be because they kept giving us bottles of water.
So, if you have some good thoughts that you could send our way, I'd very much appreciate it. I'd love to have a surprise BFP over the weekend and have my appointment on the 16th turn into my first prenatal appointment. Unlikely, but a girl can hope, right?
Now, I know that it's still early. I know that these negatives could turn into positives in a few days. I know all of these things, but my hope is still slipping away.
If this cycle works, it would almost be too perfect. Keegan's cousin is visiting us next weekend, and she's been one of my biggest supporters, so I would be thriled to tell her in person. Memorial day is coming up which means that we could potentially go back to Missouri and tell Keegan's parents. My parents are considering coming down to Mississippi the first week of June, so we would be able to tell them in person. When we moved so far away from family and friends, I accepted the idea that we would have to spread the news over Skype, email and text messages. However, I feel like the chance of seeing the three most important parties all within a month of each other is just too perfect.
I was so sure this cycle would work, but now I think that I just had more hope this cycle. We still haven't heard the results from Keegan's SA, and we probably won't until my next appointment on the 16th. I'm just so scared that something is wrong with him and we'll be dealing with both male and female factor infertility. I'm scared that my doctor will tell us that only IUI or IVF will work for us. I'm scared of the financial aspect of it all. I was so hopeful that this cycle would work so that we wouldn't have to talk about IUIs or IVF. We'd be one of those success stories that magically got pregnant right before having to move onto the "big guns."
Keegan and I talked about it last night and he surprised me by saying he'd be ok with moving onto an IUI if it comes down to that. I figured he would want to wait a few more cycles, but he said he was ready to move on. His only request was that we schedule it a month or two out so that he could tell his boss that he'd be out for a day. I reminded him that we really don't have a say in when an IUI happens, it really depends on when my body decides to ovulate. He'd probably have 24 or 36 hours at the most to request time off. Sometimes I forget how little he knows about the whole process.
So, that's where we are currently. I still have some symptoms, but I can mostly explain them away:
- Nausea: I was so nauseous the last day of the conference I was at (Tuesday.) I only ate a few pieces of fruit for breakfast, some mashed potatoes for lunch, and a few pieces of pizza for dinner once I got back home. Wednesday, I woke up feeling fine, but got nauseous closer to bed time.
- Sore boobs. I noticed last night that my boobs are pretty tender, but I also get that around the time of my period arriving.
- Still bloated like a whale, but that also happens near the onset of my period.
- During the conference, I was peeing like every hour and a half, but that could be because they kept giving us bottles of water.
So, if you have some good thoughts that you could send our way, I'd very much appreciate it. I'd love to have a surprise BFP over the weekend and have my appointment on the 16th turn into my first prenatal appointment. Unlikely, but a girl can hope, right?
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Fears Plus Some Hope
So, as I said in my last post, this weekend there was a festival in the city that we're currently living in. Unfortunately it rained all Friday so the festival was canceled that day, but Saturday was sunny and a cool 60-70 degrees. It was a long day, but running around doing five different things at once made the day go by faster.
The only problem with having thousands of people in a three block radius? There were pregnant women and families everywhere. There was honestly no place to get away from them. Now, let me say something. I'm proud of myself that I've never felt bitter or resentful towards women who are pregnant (not saying that there's anything wrong with that, it's just not how I deal with things.) I won't lie, seeing pregnant women or women with young babies makes me extremely sad, but I'm never angry at them. I feel like I can't judge them because I don't know their story. I don't know if they've had a loss or have dealt with infertility. I don't know if that teenage mother gave up a scholarship to college to take care of her child. I don't know, so I can't judge.
However, this weekend was hard. Everywhere I looked, I was confronted with what I currently don't have, and may never achieve. In my head was a running thought, not of "why her and not me?" but, "will I ever get what she has?"
Will I ever see my child riding on their Daddy's shoulders?
Will I ever have to navigate through a large crowd with a stroller?
Will I ever see my child dancing to the live music?
Will I ever see my daughter dancing on stage with her dance team or my son talking about his Boy Scout troop?
Will I ever get any of these things? That's my true fear.
That being said, I have some hope about this cycle. I've always had hope that someday, somehow, I'll be a parent, but this is the first cycle that I felt like this could be the one, and that scares me. I'm afraid of being let down. Of getting my hopes up and having them crushed. I've always kept my heart guarded, but this time, a little bit of hope has snuck through.
I'm only 5 dpo, so take these "symptoms" with that in mind:
I've been crazy emotional lately. Last night, I had a break down in front of Keegan and cried for an hour straight. Today, I was trying to put my contacts in, but kept dropping them in the sink. After the fourth time, I just started crying because I was so frustrated.
I've been peeing like crazy, but that could be because I've been drinking a lot more, especially with all the running around I was doing yesterday.
I've noticed a lot of cramping in the area where my left ovary is. Now, around ovulation, I notice twinges and pulls, similar to what I'm feeling now, but these pains are more frequent and more painful. I haven't been able to talk through a few of them.
I'm really bloated, which is great (sarcasm,) because I'm going to be in a professional conference tomorrow and Tuesday and have to dress all business like when all I want to wear are my PJs.
So, while I can explain all of these symptoms away, they also give me hope. Hope is what keeps me going in our trying to conceive journey, but I'm also scared of getting hurt. Ladies who are/have been pregnant, how early did you test and get a positive? I know that everyone is different, but I don't know if I can hold out until next week without testing.
The only problem with having thousands of people in a three block radius? There were pregnant women and families everywhere. There was honestly no place to get away from them. Now, let me say something. I'm proud of myself that I've never felt bitter or resentful towards women who are pregnant (not saying that there's anything wrong with that, it's just not how I deal with things.) I won't lie, seeing pregnant women or women with young babies makes me extremely sad, but I'm never angry at them. I feel like I can't judge them because I don't know their story. I don't know if they've had a loss or have dealt with infertility. I don't know if that teenage mother gave up a scholarship to college to take care of her child. I don't know, so I can't judge.
However, this weekend was hard. Everywhere I looked, I was confronted with what I currently don't have, and may never achieve. In my head was a running thought, not of "why her and not me?" but, "will I ever get what she has?"
Will I ever see my child riding on their Daddy's shoulders?
Will I ever have to navigate through a large crowd with a stroller?
Will I ever see my child dancing to the live music?
Will I ever see my daughter dancing on stage with her dance team or my son talking about his Boy Scout troop?
Will I ever get any of these things? That's my true fear.
That being said, I have some hope about this cycle. I've always had hope that someday, somehow, I'll be a parent, but this is the first cycle that I felt like this could be the one, and that scares me. I'm afraid of being let down. Of getting my hopes up and having them crushed. I've always kept my heart guarded, but this time, a little bit of hope has snuck through.
I'm only 5 dpo, so take these "symptoms" with that in mind:
I've been crazy emotional lately. Last night, I had a break down in front of Keegan and cried for an hour straight. Today, I was trying to put my contacts in, but kept dropping them in the sink. After the fourth time, I just started crying because I was so frustrated.
I've been peeing like crazy, but that could be because I've been drinking a lot more, especially with all the running around I was doing yesterday.
I've noticed a lot of cramping in the area where my left ovary is. Now, around ovulation, I notice twinges and pulls, similar to what I'm feeling now, but these pains are more frequent and more painful. I haven't been able to talk through a few of them.
I'm really bloated, which is great (sarcasm,) because I'm going to be in a professional conference tomorrow and Tuesday and have to dress all business like when all I want to wear are my PJs.
So, while I can explain all of these symptoms away, they also give me hope. Hope is what keeps me going in our trying to conceive journey, but I'm also scared of getting hurt. Ladies who are/have been pregnant, how early did you test and get a positive? I know that everyone is different, but I don't know if I can hold out until next week without testing.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Friday Tidbits
Mmmmm "tidbits" reminds me of Timbits. I want some Tim Hortons now.....
Anyways. Sorry things have been so quiet on this little ol' blog of mine. Work has been busy and my cycle has been boring so I haven't updated much. Just a quick Friday update:
1. You know you take too many pills when your pharmacist starts giving you their entire bottle...plus another
2. I think Keegan finally "got it" yesterday. He was browsing through my Facebook on my phone, turned to me and said, "No wonder you think everyone we know is getting pregnant! Every post on your Facebook right now is either a pregnancy post or someone talking about how cute their kid is! How do you stand it?" If I had knows that looking through my Facebook was going to be what made Keegan understand, I would have done it months ago.
3. I'm currently 3dpo right now. I got positive OPKs on Monday and Tuesday and FertilityFriend says I ovulated on Tuesday. We sexed it up on Sunday and Tuesday which wasn't the best timing, but now all we can do is wait.
We have a big (well, big by small town standards,) festival downtown this weekend that my job is participating in, so hopefully these next few days will go by fast, bringing us a few days closer to finding out if this cycle was successful. The forecast says it is supposed to rain all weekend, however, so we'll see what happens!
I hope that everyone has a good weekend. Congratulations to Mrs. E for finding out her latest IVF was successful and Cam for getting progressively darker tests!
*Edit* Thanks to Rants From Mommyland, I found this website which is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. If you don't feel like clicking on the link, it's a Tumblr made by Jeffrey Bausch full of GIFs that document the journey of he and his wife's first pregnancy. You can also read an article about it. But really, you should click the link.
1. You know you take too many pills when your pharmacist starts giving you their entire bottle...plus another
2. I think Keegan finally "got it" yesterday. He was browsing through my Facebook on my phone, turned to me and said, "No wonder you think everyone we know is getting pregnant! Every post on your Facebook right now is either a pregnancy post or someone talking about how cute their kid is! How do you stand it?" If I had knows that looking through my Facebook was going to be what made Keegan understand, I would have done it months ago.
3. I'm currently 3dpo right now. I got positive OPKs on Monday and Tuesday and FertilityFriend says I ovulated on Tuesday. We sexed it up on Sunday and Tuesday which wasn't the best timing, but now all we can do is wait.
We have a big (well, big by small town standards,) festival downtown this weekend that my job is participating in, so hopefully these next few days will go by fast, bringing us a few days closer to finding out if this cycle was successful. The forecast says it is supposed to rain all weekend, however, so we'll see what happens!
I hope that everyone has a good weekend. Congratulations to Mrs. E for finding out her latest IVF was successful and Cam for getting progressively darker tests!
*Edit* Thanks to Rants From Mommyland, I found this website which is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. If you don't feel like clicking on the link, it's a Tumblr made by Jeffrey Bausch full of GIFs that document the journey of he and his wife's first pregnancy. You can also read an article about it. But really, you should click the link.
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