Missed Opportunity

So it looks like this cycle is another no go and it's all my (our) fault. We didn't have sex last night even though I got a positive OPK. We were planning to all night, but instead, we stayed up late watching the last episode of season 2 of Game of Thrones with our friend who's staying with us. (Awesome show by the way. If you haven't seen it yet, you should.)

As the show was ending, I made the comment that I needed to go switch over the laundry and then we could get to baby making and he said (in front of our friend,) "I'd rather go do laundry" (implying he didn't want to have sex.) I knew he was joking. I knew that he was just being a smart ass, but his comment just floored me. I gave him "the look" and marched off to move the laundry. I heard our friend say some smart ass comment about Keegan being in trouble behind me as I left, which didn't help the situation. After moving over the laundry, I went and changed into my PJs, brushed my teeth, took my medications and then got into bed, all without looking at or saying anything to Keegan. He knew I was pissed and just quietly got into bed with me. He quietly whispered an apology which sent me over the edge and I just started bawling. Shoulders shaking, can't catch my breath, snot running down my face, bawling.

Keegan had the deer in the headlights look and cautiously asked what was wrong. It took me a moment to respond, but I finally told him all of my fears and worries about us trying to conceive, things that I had held back from the beginning of our journey. I hadn't told him before because I wanted to be strong. I didn't want him to worry about anything. I wanted to keep his innocence about how this whole making-a-baby process worked since mine had been taken away. Unfortunately, keeping these things inside eventually sent me over the edge and it just happened to occur last night.

I told him that I was scared that this would never work. That I had heard so many stories of having to have timed sex ruined couple's sex lives and sometimes even their marriages. That him joking about not wanting to have sex made me feel that our marriage was in trouble. I was so scared that if we were already having this problem during cycle 3, would we be able to do this much longer? That I wish I had known about my PCOS before we were married just so that he would known. It may not have changed the outcome, but I just wish that he had had the knowledge and the option of leaving if he wanted. I guess I am still dealing with the guilt that as far as we know, our difficulty in TTC is my fault. Now let me be clear. Keegan has never made me feel this way. He has never said it's my fault or that he blames me in any way. He has been my biggest supporter and my best friend throughout this entire thing and he reminded me of all of this last night. All of this guilt and blame is self inflicted and something I need to work through. By letting him know my thoughts and feelings, we started the process of working through them together.

After we got everything out in the open (I'm a big supporter of not going to bed mad/sad,) we were both beyond exhausted. Neither one of us felt like sexing after that so we fell asleep cuddled up (with the cat of course.) I fully expected to see another positive OPK today, allowing us to sex tonight and again tomorrow morning before we left for Missouri, but I was surprised with a negative. My heart fell and I knew that this cycle would be another negative.

I expected another positive because during my last cycle, I got 4 consecutive days of positive OPKs with FertilityFriend telling me that ovulation happened on the last day. During the last cycle, I used the cheap internet OPKs but wasn't sure if I was reading them correctly, so for this cycle, I got the Clear Blue digital OPK to ensure that we timed intercourse correctly. Now I'm second guessing that decision. I don't know if I was reading the cheap OPKs incorrectly last cycle and I really only got a positive on the day I ovulated, or if the digital OPK is wrong this cycle. I looked at the test strip from the digital OPK and while it looks lighter than yesterday, I would still call it a positive. I know the directions say not to judge positive/negative off of the strip, to just trust the digital output, so I don't know what to think. I used another internet cheapie to double check and it looked positive as well. Ladies, when you use OPKs, do you get multiple positive ones? Like I said in my last post, this is only my second time ovulating (that I know of,) so I don't know what's "normal" for my body.

This is what I hate most about infertility and trying to conceive. The unknown. The uncertainty. While I know that every woman is different, I hate not having something to compare to. Is it strange that I got 4 positive last cycle? Is it strange that I'm only getting one this cycle? Is it still really a positive even though whatever program in the digital OPK doesn't read it as so?

I think that we're going to try and sex tonight and again before we leave tomorrow and just cross our fingers for a good outcome. I think that a weekend back home with my family will help me immensely. I've be extremely homesick lately so hanging out with the people that love me most will help lift my spirits. I still plan to temp and to take OPKs just to see what happens.

I apologize for the long rambling post. I was going to write about the mid-cycle blues I've been feeling lately, but everything just kind of came out last night. I want to thank everyone of the amazing amount of support I've gotten in the past week with the visits from ICLW. I don't know what I'd do without your comments and emails. I don't think I will write much this weekend since the only computer we'll be taking with us to Missouri is Keegan's work computer and I should probably keep TTC talk off of that. I hope that everyone has a good weekend!