Missed Opportunity

So it looks like this cycle is another no go and it's all my (our) fault. We didn't have sex last night even though I got a positive OPK. We were planning to all night, but instead, we stayed up late watching the last episode of season 2 of Game of Thrones with our friend who's staying with us. (Awesome show by the way. If you haven't seen it yet, you should.)

As the show was ending, I made the comment that I needed to go switch over the laundry and then we could get to baby making and he said (in front of our friend,) "I'd rather go do laundry" (implying he didn't want to have sex.) I knew he was joking. I knew that he was just being a smart ass, but his comment just floored me. I gave him "the look" and marched off to move the laundry. I heard our friend say some smart ass comment about Keegan being in trouble behind me as I left, which didn't help the situation. After moving over the laundry, I went and changed into my PJs, brushed my teeth, took my medications and then got into bed, all without looking at or saying anything to Keegan. He knew I was pissed and just quietly got into bed with me. He quietly whispered an apology which sent me over the edge and I just started bawling. Shoulders shaking, can't catch my breath, snot running down my face, bawling.

Keegan had the deer in the headlights look and cautiously asked what was wrong. It took me a moment to respond, but I finally told him all of my fears and worries about us trying to conceive, things that I had held back from the beginning of our journey. I hadn't told him before because I wanted to be strong. I didn't want him to worry about anything. I wanted to keep his innocence about how this whole making-a-baby process worked since mine had been taken away. Unfortunately, keeping these things inside eventually sent me over the edge and it just happened to occur last night.

I told him that I was scared that this would never work. That I had heard so many stories of having to have timed sex ruined couple's sex lives and sometimes even their marriages. That him joking about not wanting to have sex made me feel that our marriage was in trouble. I was so scared that if we were already having this problem during cycle 3, would we be able to do this much longer? That I wish I had known about my PCOS before we were married just so that he would known. It may not have changed the outcome, but I just wish that he had had the knowledge and the option of leaving if he wanted. I guess I am still dealing with the guilt that as far as we know, our difficulty in TTC is my fault. Now let me be clear. Keegan has never made me feel this way. He has never said it's my fault or that he blames me in any way. He has been my biggest supporter and my best friend throughout this entire thing and he reminded me of all of this last night. All of this guilt and blame is self inflicted and something I need to work through. By letting him know my thoughts and feelings, we started the process of working through them together.

After we got everything out in the open (I'm a big supporter of not going to bed mad/sad,) we were both beyond exhausted. Neither one of us felt like sexing after that so we fell asleep cuddled up (with the cat of course.) I fully expected to see another positive OPK today, allowing us to sex tonight and again tomorrow morning before we left for Missouri, but I was surprised with a negative. My heart fell and I knew that this cycle would be another negative.

I expected another positive because during my last cycle, I got 4 consecutive days of positive OPKs with FertilityFriend telling me that ovulation happened on the last day. During the last cycle, I used the cheap internet OPKs but wasn't sure if I was reading them correctly, so for this cycle, I got the Clear Blue digital OPK to ensure that we timed intercourse correctly. Now I'm second guessing that decision. I don't know if I was reading the cheap OPKs incorrectly last cycle and I really only got a positive on the day I ovulated, or if the digital OPK is wrong this cycle. I looked at the test strip from the digital OPK and while it looks lighter than yesterday, I would still call it a positive. I know the directions say not to judge positive/negative off of the strip, to just trust the digital output, so I don't know what to think. I used another internet cheapie to double check and it looked positive as well. Ladies, when you use OPKs, do you get multiple positive ones? Like I said in my last post, this is only my second time ovulating (that I know of,) so I don't know what's "normal" for my body.

This is what I hate most about infertility and trying to conceive. The unknown. The uncertainty. While I know that every woman is different, I hate not having something to compare to. Is it strange that I got 4 positive last cycle? Is it strange that I'm only getting one this cycle? Is it still really a positive even though whatever program in the digital OPK doesn't read it as so?

I think that we're going to try and sex tonight and again before we leave tomorrow and just cross our fingers for a good outcome. I think that a weekend back home with my family will help me immensely. I've be extremely homesick lately so hanging out with the people that love me most will help lift my spirits. I still plan to temp and to take OPKs just to see what happens.

I apologize for the long rambling post. I was going to write about the mid-cycle blues I've been feeling lately, but everything just kind of came out last night. I want to thank everyone of the amazing amount of support I've gotten in the past week with the visits from ICLW. I don't know what I'd do without your comments and emails. I don't think I will write much this weekend since the only computer we'll be taking with us to Missouri is Keegan's work computer and I should probably keep TTC talk off of that. I hope that everyone has a good weekend!

Well That Was Unexpected + Update

Today, just like every morning, I was rudely awakened by my alarm, stuck my thermometer in my mouth while trying to keep the cat from playing with it, and then stumbled to the bathroom to take an OPK. However, unlike every other morning, I was greeted with this:

Before everyone gets too excited, that's a positive OPK, not a positive pregnancy test. 

I certainly wasn't expecting to see a smiley face looking back at me when I went and checked my OPK before leaving for work. I did a double take and then popped out the test strip to see: 

I know the directions say not to judge how positive/negative the OPK is by the test strip, but if that was an internet cheapie, I'd say it's pretty darn positive. Of course since the digital OPK takes three minutes to process, I had already thrown out my urine so I wasn't able to double check with an internet cheapie. I was thisclose to taking an OPK to work, but on second thought, I'm not that brave. I don't really wish to have that conversation with my boss. I'll probably double check when I get home tonight. 

I am so surprised because these are my OPKs from the last two days: 

They went from barely anything there to holy crap dark.

I think it's also funny that I got a positive today because right before I checked the OPK, I checked at my chart which looks like a hot mess: 

Also, I didn't get a positive until CD 18 on my last cycle so a positive on CD 16 was completely unexpected. If this cycle acts anything like last cycle, I expect to get positives on cycle days 16 (today,) 17, and 18 with ovulation on 19. Looks like we may have to sex right before we leave for my parent's house and maybe once there, but we'll see how my OPKs look.

Looks like the fertility gods might be shining down on us today. Hopefully our luck will continue throughout the two week wait.  

Edit: For the last 3ish hours, I've had horrible pains in my right abdomen area where I believe my ovary is. Right before my PCOS diagnosis and at the beginning of our journey, I had sharp pains where my ovaries are that I learned were cysts bursting. The pains have been less frequent since I've been on medications and my ovaries haven't been making as many cysts. However, I've never had pain like this around (supposed) ovulation. I'm also experiencing back aches. Is this normal? This is only the second time I've ovulated that I know of, and this didn't happen last cycle, so I have no idea if this is something I should be concerned about. If it was my "normal" sharp twinges that only last a second or two, I wouldn't be so worried, but the fact that it's lasted 3+ hours makes me nervous. Any ideas/suggestions/advice would be much appreciated! 

It Takes A Village...

So I just found Lori's blog, The Inadequate Conception, recently, and as I was reading through her past posts, one of them really stuck out to me. The post, "It doesn’t take a village to raise a child; it takes a village to create a child" is so true in the cases of couples dealing with infertility. At the time of her post, Lori guessed that it would take 33 people to get her "Nest" (surrogate) pregnant, and ultimately give her a child. This interested me, so I decided to figure out how many people it would take to get me pregnant if this cycle worked out. Mind you, at this time, we're still trying "naturally", ie. no Clomid or other drugs, no IUIs or IVF yet. Of course as more medical intervention is needed, the number will grow.

So as of March 25, 2013, it would take...

• My OB-GYN (not with an RE yet,) and his team. I've really only worked with him, his two nurses and one receptionist even though there are others in the office. Let's just say 4. 
• I also have an ultrasound tech that gets to see my lady bits at least monthly. Add another 1. 
• I have to go to an outside lab to get my blood taken and processed, so there are two phlebotomists that I've dealt with there, plus approximately 2 people to process it. At least 4 people deal with my blood.  
• I get my medications processed at Walgreens. I know there are at least 2 different pharmacists plus the 2 lab techs that I deal with regularly, so that's another 4. 
• I can't forget my family that has been so supportive during all of this. My husband and my parents are the ones most in the "know" but my sister checks in from time to time. Plus my husband needs to be involved for his part in the process. Add another 4. 
• I have one good girlfriend and a cousin-in-law that also check in to see how I'm doing. They're the only friends (besides my friends in the computer) that know what we're going through. +2 
• My boss has been super supportive throughout this. I eventually told her what was going on when I was going to one appointment or another weekly at the beginning of this whole journey. She's super flexible and lets me go to appointments whenever I need. +1 
• And of course, I can't forget you guys! Without your super sweet comments and advice, there is no way I would survive this. I have 7 followers, but I know more of you have read and commented, so there's no real number I can add. I just want to say thank you so much for being there for me!

So if you add 4 doctors/nurses/receptionists, 1 ultrasound tech, 4 people who deal with my blood, 4 people who give me drugs, 4 family members, 2 friends, and one awesome boss, that equals 20 people.

And to think, these are just the people I can actually count! I have no idea how many hands have touched my OPKs from the internet or how many people it actually took to make my medications. It still blows my mind that we need the help of at least 20 people to make a baby. What happened to the "man + woman = baby" equation I was taught in elementary school?

How many people does/did it take for you to get pregnant? Can you beat Lori's number of 33?


P.S. I downloaded Lor's book, "The Inadequate Conception: From Barry White to Blastocytes: What your mom didn't tell you about getting pregnant" for my Kindle recently and I am about to start reading it. Has anyone else read it? Any reviews? 

My Cat Is An Asshole

Now before someone sends PETA on me, I'm going to put this disclaimer up here. I love my cat. She just happened to fall into our laps, and I'm extremely happy that she did. I feed her, water her, cuddle her, and let her sleep in our bed. All that said, she's still an asshole and I'll tell you why. 

My husband, Keegan, gets up between 5:00 and 5:30 AM for work. I get up at 8:00. Mika (pronounced Mee-ka,) our cat, decided this week that these early hours in the morning would be play time. She's still young, about a year old, so I understand she needs to practice "life skills" like stalking and hunting. We have given her toys so that she can practice, but she only seems to like to hunt us. Her favorite is to hunt while we're in bed. She'll hunker down below the comforter, wiggle her butt and then pounce on whatever she had her sights on. It's downright adorable.

Earlier this week, she decided to practice her hunting skills in the wee hours of the morning. Keegan had just left for work and I was trying to fall back asleep when I felt her little body pounce on my right foot. She nibbled on my toes for a moment then hunkered down and proceeded to pounce on my left foot. She made her way up my body, pouncing on my shins, knees and thighs. Just as I thought she had her fill of bouncing on my body, I felt two small paws with sharp claws pounce right on my lady parts. My cat literally cunt punched me. She then decided to stand on my stomach, right above my uterus. Good morning indeed.

If this was an isolated incident, I would forgive her. However, she's done it almost every morning since, thus making her an asshole. If this cycle fails, I'm blaming her. If I was an embryo, I wouldn't want to implant in such a hostile place, either.

Don't let that adorable face fool you. She's just waiting to cunt punch you, too. 

Sexing in the Mid West

So Keegan (my husband) and I have a potential conflict that could make this cycle another no-go.

Some background information:
Keegan and I moved to Mississippi in May of 2011, just two days after my college graduation. Moving to the south means that we are now about 7 hours away from his parents and about 9 hours away from mine (both live in Missouri.) Because of the drive and the fact that my husband gets almost no time off work, we don't get to go home very often. The last time we graced mid-west soils was back in September.

For some strange reason, Keegan gets Good Friday (March 29) off this year (however he didn't get MLK day off...go figure.) Good Friday also happens to be my mom's birthday this year. We decided since it's been 6 months since we've been home, we'd take Keegan's unexpected day off work and surprise my mom for her birthday.

Now, the problem is, the weekend of Good Friday is also the weekend that FertilityFriend predicts will be my fertile window with me ovulating on the Monday after. As I see it, we have a few options:

1. Not go to Missouri so that we don't have to risk missing my fertile window.

2. Stay in a hotel instead of my parent's house for the duration of our stay.

3. Find some shady hotel where you can rent a room for an hour at a time and do our business on a fluids covered comforter while cockroaches crawl around.......ewwwwwww. That grosses me out just typing it.

4. Try and do the deed while the family's away or sleeping.

5: Act like teenagers and sex it up in the back of my car.

6. Not worry about this cycle and just try again next cycle.

Potential problems:

Option 1: I've already told my dad and one of my sisters that we're coming. It'll be hard to back out now, and besides, I really want to see my family. It's been too long.

Option 2: We could stay in a hotel, but that's an extra cost that we don't want to pay. I also don't really want to tell my dad that we're staying in a hotel just so we can sex. That image doesn't need to be in his head.

Option 3: Besides the fact that this option is just gross, I don't know if my hometown has any shady hotels. If it does, I don't know where they are, and I don't really want to find out.

Option 4:  Besides the fact that we're going to be stuck on a pull out couch in the living room which isn't the most private place in the house, my younger sisters will be home for Spring Break so that's two extra people we have to make sure don't walk in on us. Also, doing the deed in my parents house isn't exactly on my bucket list of things to do before I die.

Option 5: Since we're taking my Mazda CX-5 (a crossover,) this option might work. Lay down the back seats and there's just enough room for a romp. Only problem is that the chance of getting caught by the cops. That's just plain embarrassing.

Option 6: The way I see it, this is probably the best option. What's one more month, right?

Unless someone can come up with another idea, I think that option 6 is our best choice. I've only ovulated once (that I know of) since we started this journey so who knows, maybe my body will get its act together and ovulate on cycle day 14 like a "normal" person. Or, the starts may align and I won't ovulate until we get back from our trip. I guess I'll just diligently take my OPKs and see what happens.

Anyone else had a trip get in the way of making a baby? If you have, what did you do about it? Sex it up while everyone was asleep? Revisit your teenage years in the back of a car? Or just shrug your shoulder and wait for the next cycle?

Happy ICLW Week!

Happy ICLW week! As I said in my last post, I'll be participating in IComLeavWe week hosted by Stirrup Queens.

If you don't know what ICLW is, here's an explanation:

"Welcome back to IComLeavWe. It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn't it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that's sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations."

This is my first time participating, and I'm so excited to read new blogs and hopefully make some new friends!

A quick intro:

I'm a Canadian-born Missourian living in Mississippi (for the time being.) My husband and I got married in August of 2012 and exactly one month after our wedding, I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. For four months before our wedding, my period had mysteriously vanished. I took test after test to see if I was pregnant, but they all came up negative. I was so involved in final wedding preparations that I wrote the whole thing off and decided to take care of it after the wedding.

At my doctor's appointment in September, Dr. B automatically diagnosed me with PCOS and insulin resistance just by looking at me and my history. The blood tests that I had the day afterwards confirmed the diagnosis. I was put on a daily vitamin and 500 mg of Metformin to try and level out my blood sugar levels. The first three months we were cautioned to not get pregnant, so I was also put on birth control. Dr. B wanted to make sure that my body was healthy before we added on the stress of a pregnancy. Since September, my Metformin dosage has increased to 2000 mg/day which doesn't exactly please my digestive system. The only positive that I'm gained from Metformin is that it's helped me lose almost 25 pounds since September.

In January, we were given the go-ahead to begin trying to conceive and we're currently in the middle of our third cycle. We haven't gotten any BFPs, but I did get my first positive OPK and cross hairs on FertilityFriend on cycle day 18 of last cycle! While a positive OPK was something to celebrate, it unfortunately turned my previously 28 day cycle into a 33 day cycle. I'm nervous that without intervention, I'm going to be stuck with another 4 month cycle. We're currently waiting for the elusive peak fertility window of cycle 3. If this cycle doesn't end up with a positive pregnancy test, we're going to talk to Dr. B about moving on to Clomid.

Besides my extreme interest in what my ovaries are doing, I'm a big nerd. I love Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe and I have the same birthday!) and most nights are spent playing computer games with my husband. We just recently adopted our cat, Mika (pronounced Mee-ka) who thinks she's the queen of our house. We're also letting my husband's best friend live with us for the foreseeable future so baby making has taken a turn for the awkward. Thank goodness his room is on the other side of the house.

I blog because I hope that my story can someday help out another woman who is just starting on her infertility journey. I have gained so much from reading blogs from women who are further in their journeys, so I hope that one day I can do the same for someone else.

Thanks for stopping by!


*As a note: I'm the type of blogger that likes to respond to comments via email instead of replying in the comment section below. If you leave a comment, please make sure that it's attached to an email that I can respond to!*

A Huge Thank You & IComLeavWe

First of all, I want to give a huge thank you to the lovely ladies that commented on my last post. I was really worried that I came off as ungrateful for the support I do have which is not the case at all. I'm so thankful for all of the support from our friends and families; without them, I don't know how I would face this huge monster of infertility. However, like I said, it's always nice to have support from people who have been there and done that. So, thank you. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. It really means the world to me.

So, onto IComLeavWe. You may have noticed the green ICLW badge at the top right of my blog. ICLW is put on by Stirrup Queens and is described as,

"It stands for International Comment Leaving Week, but if you say it aloud, doesn't it sounds like “I come; [but] leave [as a] we”? And that's sort of the point. Blogging is a conversation and comments should be honoured and encouraged. I like to say that comments are the new hug–a way of saying hello, giving comfort, leaving congratulations."

ICLW is held every month from the 21-28. The premise is that you leave 5 comments and respond to 1 for a total of 6 comments a day. This is the first time I've decided to participate and I'm really excited! If you'd like to participate also, you can go to the March 2013 ICLW page and sign up. It all kicks off tomorrow so go sign up!