I think I'm finally in a good enough place to talk about what's happened over the last month and a half.
I had a positive pregnancy test at about 11 days past IUI. It was too light for how many days past IUI I was, but I scheduled a beta test anyways. Unfortunately because I got my blood taken on Friday, I didn't get the results back until Monday. I kept taking pregnancy tests, but the line got lighter and lighter, so I knew logically that things weren't going well, but my heart was hoping that the tests were faulty.
Monday afternoon I got a phone call from my RE's office, and as soon as I heard my RE's voice, I knew it wasn't good news. My HCG levels weren't high enough to sustain a viable pregnancy. I held it together to ask a few questions, but as soon as I hung up the phone, I broke down. Ended up leaving work early and going to sob in my car.
I met my husband at home and had to tell him the news. I hadn't told him about the positive test because I wanted the reassurance of the beta before getting his hopes up, so I had to tell him that I was losing the baby, which is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I started bleeding the next day and had a fairly light period, which was not what I was expecting. The next few weeks were really hard. I felt this constant weight on my chest, and was close to tears at all times. I don't know if it was hormones or the reality that our TTC journey was actually done, but I think I was in somewhat of a depressive state.
I started sorting through my son's baby clothes, getting them ready to sell at a consignment event in September. Going through those tiny sleepers and onesies was very difficult. Logically, I know it's just "stuff," but there was so much hope attached to those tiny clothes. Getting rid of them feels like I'm officially giving up hope.
My period started about a week and a half ago. I was absolutely dreading it; I was afraid it would trigger a wave of emotions and sadness, but I handled it better than I expected to. I'm not sure what we're going to do moving forward. I don't want to go on hormonal birth control because I'd like to see what my body is like without a bunch of hormones flowing through it for the first time in 5 years. Permanent birth control (getting my tubes tied or a vasectomy,) almost seems like betraying the dream. But, I don't know if I can live with that small hope every month, even if there's just the tiniest chance of conceiving spontaneously.
As time has gone on since the miscarriage, my emotions have leveled out. I'm not as sad all the time, and seeing newborn babies doesn't make me want to run to the bathroom to cry. But, there are some things that have been a stab to the heart. Filling out the family tree for my son's daycare was hard. Not filling out the "brothers and sisters" part stung, but when my son asked what a brother was, and why he didn't have one, I got emotional. It's going to be hard moving forward having to explain to my son that no matter how hard Mama and Daddy tried, we couldn't get him a baby brother or sister.
So, that's where we are now. I'm not sure if I'll update this space again since our TTC journey has officially come to a close. I want to thank everyone who has been with me for the past 5 years, I honestly don't know if I could have survived without your love and support.
