On September 4, exactly one month after I got married, I sat in the doctor's office while I was told that I had PCOS and that conceiving a child naturally would be difficult, if not impossible. I was told that starting a regimen of certain medications and losing weight would increase our chances of conceiving naturally, but we still could need the assistance of other medications or IVF.
As soon as I heard that, my mind and heart went into overdrive. All of a sudden, getting pregnant was all I could focus on. When asking Keegan when he wanted to actually start trying to get pregnant and hearing that he wanted to wait a year, I subconsciously started trying to push him into wanting to start earlier. Every time I would see or hear something baby related, I would make a comment. Every time a friend or co-worker would get pregnant, I'd tell Keegan. I would research baby related things and get in a mood that I wasn't looking at these things "for real," I was looking at them for our future children, whenever they may come. All I could focus on and talk about was babies and trying to get pregnant. I was getting on my own nerves and I know I was getting on Keegan's.
After some reflection, I know why I went into baby overdrive. I was scared. The fact that something I've wanted for my whole life may not ever come true was scary. The unknowing. The fact that I was hurting and sick from the medications I was on. I started asking myself if all of this was worth it. I wanted to start tying to conceive right away justincase we couldn't do it on our own. My doctor has couples try "naturally" for at least a year before adding in the help of drugs. I felt (and still do feel) that we're going to have to have help. I'm no doctor, but I can't be in this much pain and have that many cysts on my ovaries and have things work correctly. I just wanted to get that first year of trying over with so that we could move onto things that will hopefully help us conceive.
I also believe that I felt this way because I'm constantly surrounded by couples older than me. Many of my friends who have recently conceived are older than me, have been married for a few years and have a child or two already. In our professional lives, both Keegan and I are the youngest which means we're both (well, more Keegan than I,) surrounded by co-workers who are married and are at the "right" place in their lives to have kids. It seems like every week Keegan would come home from work and tell me that someone else was pregnant or had their baby. Being surrounded by all of this tricked me into thinking that this is what I should be doing as well even though I am a newly wed and years younger than most of these people.
There are other factors that come into play as well. The fact that I've always wanted to be a young mom. The fact that I want my grandparents to meet their great-grandchild (one set is already passed, the other is, of course, getting older.) The fact that I want my parents (and Keegan's) to spend as much time with their grandchildren as possible. All of these things were weighing on me and all I could do was think about getting pregnant.
I felt this way all the way up until this past weekend. On Friday, we went out with a few of Keegan's co-workers for a goodbye dinner for one of the guys. Saturday, we went over to a friend's house to watch the football game (and we lost horribly.) Sunday, we did nothing. Seriously, we stayed in our PJs all day and only went out of the house to grab food. We also were able to talk with a lot of our friends from college over Skype, something we haven't been able to do much recently. This past weekend was such a nice break from our normal crazy every day lives. Hanging out with friends, more so friends that are around our ages, renewed the "20-something" spirit in me. I felt like I was 23 again, catching dinner with friends instead of the 40-something woman who goes to work, comes home for a few hours and goes back to work again.
This weekend made me see why Keegan wants to wait a bit to try and start having kids. The truth is, we are young. Even though I've always wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30, the fact of the matter is, that may not be in the cards for us now. It may take us 2 or 3 years to conceive each child, and even though that throws a kink in my original life "plan," I'm more okay with it now than I was before. Who knows, maybe we'll be lucky and we'll get pregnant on our own during that first year. All I know now is that I'm becoming more and more okay with the decision to wait a bit longer. I know that I'll get bit by the baby bug time and time again, but those days, I'll just tell Keegan that I need a date night, or a night out with friends. Something to remind me that I am only 23 and I have years to have a family. As of right now, I just need to continue with my medications and losing weight to get my body ready to one day be the house of a little miracle. I don't know when that'll happen. No one really does. All I have to know is that it'll happen someday, somehow and when it does, it'll be amazing.
Each and every day, I'm more calm than I was the day before. Sure, I still get bouts of worry and deep down, I'm still scared. But I know that I have Keegan, our friends and families to be there to support us through the bad and celebrate the good with us. I know I'll have good days and bad days, so bear with me friends. This is the most emotional roller coaster I've ever gone through, but it'll make the end result (hopefully results!) so much more worth it. It'll happen someday, somehow and I just have to keep telling myself that.