Below is a post from Teresa at Where The *Bleep* Is Our Stork? Teresa is has been one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders since starting this TTC journey. She's an amazing woman and writer and I'm thrilled to have found her blog and her friendship.
I never really thought too much about kids before I met my husband. But, once I knew I wasn't going to be able to walk away from him, and once I knew marriage was in our future the deep desire for kids came. I knew he wanted to be a dad, he always told me that he wanted to adopt at least one child in his life. Three years ago I had no clue what infertility really was, I thought is meant that you were sterile. No sperm. No eggs. I never knew there was so much more to it. I never even knew I had PCOS. I thought I was just lucky enough to have missing periods. Ha! So, I meet this great guy, decide to build a future and family with him; only to find out that I am infertile. I feel like I robbed my husband of his dreams. It breaks my heart.
a little every time I see a pregnant woman, a baby, a father and child. It kills me to know that I am unable to give my husband that gift. It hurts to know that my husband may never hear the words "I love you daddy" or feel those little hands grab a hold of his fingers and hold on tight. It hurts to know that we may never experience that sort of love.
But, let's forget about the mommy/daddy club for just a minute; I am not sure we will ever make it to the IVF club! I have this uneasiness when it comes to IVF and I think a big part of that is the money. I know he wants to do IVF and I know we have to resort to that if we really want a chance at getting pregnant. But, I am so scared that if my body fails me, as it has time and time before, that I will feel responsible, and I will hate myself for making us spend all that money only to have another cycle fail; a really expensive cycle fail. It is wrong, I know.
Both, my mom and my husband have told me that I can't carry the burden of failure with me. I can't blame myself for any of this. However, I find that so much easier said than done. The reason we can't get pregnant isn't because he has poor sperm or no sperm or that he is in bad health; it is because I have biological problems. My body is not doing it's job. We are not creating embryos together (so far).
IVF is an expensive procedure that does not come with any guarantees. I have never been one to gamble and infertility treatments are just that; a gamble. And so far we are losing. IVF may be the magic procedure that gets me pregnant- but, it can't keep me pregnant.
I need to know that we did all we could do to try and have our own baby; if we don't do IVF, I will look back a regret it. But, I also believe that you have to be in the right mind set for things to work out. I need to be really ready and confident in myself , my body and my doctor, before I make that leap.
I also don't want to feel like I care more about money than having a family. My biggest fear is that others who have been in my shoes will think that I am not ready or that I don't want a family as bad as I should if I put money before my child to be. I don't want to feel like I am selfish.
How do you decide when to go further with treatment?