I've been meaning to write this post for a long time, but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order so that things make any sense.
We're currently on our third and final round of Femara. If this cycle doesn't work, we have 3 rounds of IUI, and then we're done.
It's scary to think that we could go through all of these treatments and still not come home with a baby at the end. When we were trying for baby #1, we would have gone to the ends of the earth to get pregnant, but now that we have K, it's hard to justify all of the money and time spent on TTC.
If I'm honest, I've struggled more with this round of TTC than I did our first. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we've put a limit on what we're willing to do, and with each month that is unsuccessful, it's one less chance we have.
3 rounds of Clomid
3 rounds of Femara
3 IUIs
9 chances to become pregnant, carry a healthy baby to term, and deliver it safely. I feel like the odds are not in our favor, and it's scary. I struggle with mourning every month that is unsuccessful, while wanting the months to go by faster so that we know what our future holds.
I'm also struggling with the idea of having another child. There are days that I feel like I'm failing K in every way possible and can't imagine having another to take care of. Then there are days that I see K interact with another child and think he would make the best big brother. There are also days that I look at my small family of 3 and feel complete. We're at a really good place with K right now, and I'm starting to get a sense of "me" again. Do I want to add a newborn to the mix and fall back into that haze of sleepless nights and diaper changes?
I think emotionally, I'm ready to be done with the logistics of making a baby. But, I know that if we don't go through all of our options, I will always ask the "what-ifs." No matter what happens, I'm ready for TTC and infertility to be behind us.
No matter the outcome, it's a difficult place to be in, knowing that TTC will soon come to an end. It consumes so much of our lives for years and years, and then suddenly one day, you're done. Whether you're done because you decide not to keep trying, or because you are pregnant, it's a weird and difficult place to be.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard no matter what the outcome. I'm so glad you have K and I hope so bad for you that you can have another. I think it's a good thing you're doing, to have an end point, as hard as that may be.
ReplyDeleteI think it's so wise you set a limit beforehand, though. I feel like there's always that, "just one more" mindset, and feeling like you're giving up, even when you're happy with Kieran as a singleton. It's not a failure, though, and I really think the odds are on your side. Hoping your lucky cycle is around the bend. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteI think it's a good idea to have a fixed idea of how long (and how much) you're prepared to go through. DH and I have had similar conversations. I relate to so much of what you've said, regarding looking at our kids' potential to be a great older sibling, being content with being a family of three, and still yearning for a second kid while wondering how the hell you'd pull it off...
ReplyDeleteThis stuff is so hard. The odds are in your favour, so I hope next cycle is your lucky roll xo