Monday, November 26, 2012

All I Seem To Write Are Updates...

Sorry for the silence over at this little slice of the interwebs. Unfortunately, I just don't have a lot to say. Since my last appointment, (about 6 weeks ago,) nothing has really changed. I've still been taking my 1000 mg of Metformin, my daily vitamin, and my birth control as well as a nightly dose of heartburn medicine. I'm not sure what is causing the heartburn, but I've been getting it every night. I'm scared to skip a dose because every time I've taken that risk, I've woken up in the early morning feeling like my esophagus was going to catch on fire. Not fun. At my next doctors appointment on Thursday, I'm going to ask him if he has any idea what's going on.

Speaking of my next appointment, it's going to be a big one. We're going to tell Dr. B that we're ready to start actively trying. Even though Keegan originally said he wasn't comfortable trying to conceive (TTC) until after our one year anniversary, after reading some literature and having a few heart-to-hearts, I think he's realized how difficult this process could be. Due to the fact that with my PCOS causes me not to ovulate, I'm going to have to be put on medications to force my body to release an egg. The most common medications are Clomid and Femara. The only "downside" is that multiples are more common when these drugs are used since the body could release more than one egg at a time. I put "downside" in quotes because Keegan and I would be fine with twins or triplets. However, since pregnancies and births of multiples are more complicated, plus the fact that women with PCOS have a higher chance of miscarriages, it would be a risk and something we'd have to talk more extensively with my doctor about.

On Thursday, I'm going to have another ultrasound to see if the cysts on my ovaries have decreased. If not, I'm assuming that  my doctor will increase my Metformin. If they haven't decreased, or magically increased, I'm not sure if we'll be able to start TTC right away; it all depends on how my body is doing. I'd much rather wait another month or two before starting to ensure that we have the perfect conditions for conceiving.

I've learned that the most frustrating thing about this whole infertility process is the waiting game. Waiting on medications to work, waiting on blood results, waiting on another cycle to start. Waiting, waiting waiting. It can be extremely frustrating at times. Most of the time I feel like I'm not doing anything to "fix" the problem (even though the problem can never truly be fixed.) I am reading books, blogs, articles, anything I can get my hands on to learn more about PCOS and trying to conceive. There's a lot of information out there, and even though every person's body is different, and every couple's situation is different, I have learned a lot and I am able to ask more informed questions.

Another thing I've had to live with is pain. I'm not just talking about physical discomfort (like a 6 week period or the flu-like symptoms the Metformin causes,) but emotional pain. In the last two weeks or so, I've had at least 5 friends and family members announce their pregnancies, 4 of which are expecting their second child. I'm not going to lie, every one of those announcements has hurt. Even though I'm beyond excited for every one of them, it's hard not to ask "why not me?". I see our friends and family's excitement over the announcement and I wonder to myself if I'm ever going to be in their position. Even though we have just started our TTC journey, it's hard not to have those thoughts.

This journey, however, has made me more aware. Aware that maybe the couple that has been married for a few years is also having trouble. Aware that asking questions like "when are you guys going to have kids" can be extremely hurtful for a couple that is dealing with infertility quietly. Aware that maybe the couple that has just announced that they're pregnant have been dealing with infertility treatments for years and are finally rejoicing in a successful cycle. It's also made me more aware of how I say things and how I'm going to say things in the future. When we do get pregnant, if I know that any of my friends are dealing with infertility, I'm going to break the news to them personally. Understand if they don't want to talk to me for a while because it's too difficult. Because I have so many friends and family that live far away, I will update Facebook with progress pictures and eventually pictures of our child(ren), but I'll do it quietly and respectfully because I know how a picture of an ultrasound or rounded belly can hurt. If anything this journey (albeit short) has taught me, is to be cautious. It's not always polite to continue talking about your pregnancy or new baby because you don't know if someone you're close to is struggling and hurting. The same goes with aspects of every day life. Gloating about your promotion while a friend just lost their job. Talking about your new kitchen while a friend is struggling to pay the mortgage. I guess what I'm trying to say is, just be careful about what you talk about and to who. It's fine to be excited about something, but respect other's feelings as well.

So that's what I've been up to. I'll update on Thursday after my doctor's appointment. Hopefully we'll be given the a-okay to actively start trying!

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