TTC Baby #2

Today Keegan and I drove the 2.5 hours to Alabama to meet with our RE to talk about trying for baby #2.

There has been a lot of talk about when to try again; if we want to try again, if we can handle it both emotionally and physically. I ended up calling in August, just to see if we could get in, and originally had an appointment in September. Unfortunately that was cancelled by my RE and moved to today. Over the past few weeks, I've simultaneously wanted the days to fly by, and to slow down. I'm excited about growing our family, but I'm not excited about the medications, the blood draws, and the disappointment. I tossed and turned all night, going between dreams of having multiples and waking up knowing in the pit of my stomach that this wouldn't work again.

The biggest worry that we have is that my father has antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, which makes his blood clot too easily. He also has Lupus and vitiligo. I noticed that I have vitiligo this summer, so I knew there was a chance that his other diseases could have been passed down to me as well. I was supposed to get tested when we were trying to conceive before, but our last ditch Clomid cycle worked before I could get tested. We decided that I needed to get tested before we have try to conceive again, because if I do have any of the diseases, we will seriously need to consider if we're going to have another biological child.

Dr. M agreed with my concerns, so I got 8 vials of blood drawn to test for all of that, along with diabetes. Dr. M was concerned about my chance of diabetes because I have PCOS, had gestational diabetes, and my c-section incision still isn't 100% healed, which can be an indicator of diabetes.

When my cycle starts in November, I will have an HSG done to see if there is any scar tissue left over from my c-section. If there is scar tissue in my uterus, I will need to have surgery to remove it so that it does not interfere with an embryo implanting. If I have scar tissue on one of my ovaries or fallopian tubes, then Dr. M said we can work with the other one. I'm not sure what will happen if there's tissue on both, we didn't discuss that.

If my blood work and HSG come back clean, then we will start cycles with Clomid. Clomid worked in the past, so we're hoping it'll work again. Dr. M said she's hoping to see me pregnant within the next 6 months, and while I appreciate her optimism, I'm not allowing myself to get my hopes up.

So for now, we wait. Wait on blood results, and then wait for my cycle to start so that I can do the HSG. Again, I'm anxious to get the ball rolling, but I'm also enjoying these last few weeks of freedom from needles and dildo cams.

Update - Kieran Is Almost A Year!

Not really sure where I should start this since it's been almost 2 months since I've written here.

Life's good. Busy, but good. Kieran will be a year on August 14th and is an amazing little boy. He's pulling up, and is so close to walking. He's also babbling up a storm and his favorite word is "dada." We've started thinking about his first birthday party. We're going to do a small backyard BBQ, mostly because he's going to be one and won't remember it, but also because we're going to be coming back from vacation two days before the party, and won't have time for anything elaborate.

We've started talking about trying for baby #2. We've been loosely trying since my period came back in late April when I was about 7.5 months postpartum. I say "loosely" because we're trying the "track ovulation and have sex" approach, except I haven't been able to confirm ovulation during any of my cycles.

Cycle 1 (35 days long) there was no ovulation detected.
Cycle 2 (36 days long) the most positive OPK was on CD29, but I wouldn't call it positive enough for ovulation.
I'm currently on cycle 3 which started unexpectedly with spotting on CDs 17, 18, 19 and 20, then full blown flow on what was supposed to be CD21. I know for a fact that I didn't ovulate because I had only stopped bleeding 7 days before I started spotting again.

My periods have been a lot longer and heavier postpartum, so I'm hoping they regulate and lighten up soon. I went back on Metformin through my general physician and am back up to 2000 mg per day. It's been making me sicker than I remember before I was pregnant, but that's most likely due to the fact that I'm not doing the low amylose diet like I was before.

I also recently realized that I have vitiligo, like my dad does. I suspected that I had it for a while, because white patches can be seen on my knees when I get some sun, but in June I realized it had spread to my hands. My dad said that his got worse in his mid-20s as well, so I suppose it's just a matter of waiting to see how bad it gets. Vitiligo is an autoimmune disease, so I'm going to bring it up to my RE when we go back to her and see if she thinks it has anything to do with my infertility.

We've decided to speak to my OB and see if she's willing to do anything treatments with us before going straight back to our RE. I love working with my RE, but she's 3 hours away and since Kieran is only in childcare 2 days a week, it makes planning trips over there difficult if both Keegan and I want to go. I go back for my yearly well woman check up some time in August, so I'm going to speak with my OB then about what the possibilities are.

Hope you all are well. I'm still reading, even if I'm not commenting much. Twitter and Facebook are better ways to keep in touch with me, so let me know if you want to be friends on either of those platforms.

TMI Of A Different Sort

Stole this from Tracy at Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen. Thought these questions would be fun to answer so you can learn things about me that don't have to do with my lady bits. 

Four jobs I’ve had:

1. Lifeguard/swim coach/swim class instructor. My first "big girl" job that lasted me through high school and the majority of college. I was a lifeguard during the summers (and sometimes on the weekends during the school year,) a swim team coach during the summers, and a swim class instructor during the school years. Seeing 4 year olds overcome their fear of the water has been one of my proudest moments. 

2. Cashier at my college's art museum gift shop. Work study job that paid waaaaaaaaaay too little. :)

3. Cashier and key holder at Hot/Topic. Love the people I worked with, hated the (majority) of the spoiled teens that came in to shop. It was always fun to help Grandma pick out the long pants with chains for her sweet Johnny's Christmas present, though. 

4. Gallery Director at a non-profit art gallery. Was an art major in school and figured I would be living in a cardboard box while working at the above mentioned store the rest of my life. Very thankful that I found a job in my major. Kind of makes those thousands of dollars in debt worth it. 

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:

1. Pitch Perfect - me too Tracy! 

2. The Sound of Music - have all of the songs memorized 

3. Pretty much any Pixar movie 

4. Fast and Furious 1-3. Haven't seen any of them past the third movie. 

Four books I’d recommend:

1. The Harry Potter Series. Have read the entire series more times than I can count. 

2. The Help - both the book and the movie

3. The Hunger Games - I'll admit it, I like young adult books

4. I can't think of another. I used to read all the time, but I can't seem to remember any of the books I liked!

Four cities I’ve lived in:

1. Guelph, Ontario, Canada (born there!)

2. Columbia, Missouri 

3. Starkville, Mississippi 

4. Other small town in Mississippi that I'm not naming because I currently live there. I haven't lived many places!

Four places I’ve visited:

1. Toronto, Ontarion Canada. The majority of my extended family on my dad's side lives in and around Toronto. We used to visit twice a year when I was growing up, but that slowed down once I started working. Now that I'm an "adult" with "money," we've started trying to visit more often. 

2. Atlanta, Georgia - closest IKEA to us. We typically go once or twice a year to wander around the store and come back with furniture we don't really need. 

3. KC Kansas / KC Missouri. Went there for swim meets while I was growing up, now we visit at least once a year to see some of Keegan's extended family. 

4. Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. Mom's side of the family lives in and around there. We don't get over that way as often as Toronto, but we try once every 5 years or so. Baby boy and I are flying into Seattle and then driving over the border in June if anyone wants to meet up! 

Four Places I Could Visit Over and Over:

1. KC Kansas/KC Missouri. Family, booming art and culture scene, good food. 

2. Anywhere in Europe. Have never been, but want to go desperately. 

3. Peoria, Illinois. Just went there over Memorial Day to visit two of our best friends (and Kieran's godparents,) and I love the city. Big enough to have a Target, but small enough to have wonderful parks and a good homey feeling. Also close to Chicago for fun weekends. 

4. Saint Louis. I feel like the Lou has a bad rap, but it is a very interesting city with lots of fun (and free!) things to do. 

Four things I just won’t eat:

1. Mushrooms.  Can't get over the texture. 

2. Fish of any type. My dad works with fish for a living, and seeing jars and jars of fish in formaldehyde turned me off for life. 

3. Hot dogs. I was pretty much a vegetarian as a kid, and although I've started eating meat as an adult, hot dogs are just something I can't make myself try. 

4. Most types of meat. I'll eat chicken, beef and turkey on Thanksgiving, but lamb, fish, sausage, and pork (besides bacon,) turns me off. 

Four things I could eat every day:

1. Fruit of any kind. 

2. Chocolate, especially if it's paired with peanut butter. 

3. Cheese, hands down

4. Bread of any type. I can sit and eat bread and butter like no one else, which is sooooooooo bad for me. Currently working on my carb addiction. 

Four TV shows I used to watch and miss (and watch in reruns as much as I can): 

We don't have cable, so there are a lot of TV shows I miss. Think of most TLC and ABC Family shows. 

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:

1. Taking Kieran to visit my mom's side of the family. None of them have met him yet! 

2. Kieran's first birthday and Christmas. Seeing him ripping paper is going to be one of the highlights of this year.

3. Celebrating our anniversary 

4. Continuing to grow in my job 

Four things I need right now:

1. A maid, cook, and personal assistant. There are not enough hours in the day to do all of these adult things. 

2. A piece of chocolate cake. I've been craving cake for months now. 

3. More vacation days. Living so far away from friends and family sucks when you can only take 10 days off work. 

4. A restful night of sleep

Four dreams I have for our future:

1. To build new traditions as a family while continuing to celebrate the ones Keegan and I grew up with (totally stole this from Tracey.) 

2. To grow old with Keegan while setting an example of what a fun, healthy, loving relationship is. 

3. To always be the best mom and wife my family needs, so matter where that takes me

4. To stay close with our friends and family, even though we live so far away. So thankful for technology that allows us to connect with our loved ones. 

Mother's Day On The Other Side

It's taken me longer than I wanted to get this post out due to a mix of emotions and an internal battle about if I wanted clog your readers with yet another Mother's Day post. Ultimately I decided to give it a shot. My emotions are still a jumbled mess, so this won't be the most eloquent thing you've ever read.

My first Mother's Day on the "other side" was a lot different that I expected. I'll admit that Mother's Day weekend was difficult for me. The hurtful feelings of past Mother's Days were softened by the smiling boy who brought me a present in bed on Sunday morning, but they were still there. I was in a funk all weekend, and I think it was a combination of happiness for myself, mixed with guilt, and sadness for others. I have a tendency to take on other's sadness and pain, and seeing so many of my IF friends struggling, really took a toll on me. I found it difficult to be happy and excited when I knew my excitement was causing other's pain.

All in all, I did have a good first Mother's Day. We went out to eat for lunch, did some grocery shopping, and splurged with some frozen yogurt. Keegan got me this figurine because he said that it remind him of how I often hold Kieran. I also got lots of snuggles, from both of my boys, which helped my mood.

I thought a lot about my IF friends over the weekend. Whether you had a wonderful Mother's Day, or you spent the day counting down the hours until it was over, I thought of you.

Microblog Monday: Taking A Moment

More about Microblog Mondays

Kieran fell asleep on me when I was trying to get him down for his nap this morning. It's rare for him to fall asleep on me these days, so even though I had work to get done, I let him sleep. He stirred after about 20 minutes, so I transferred him to his crib, but those 20 minutes of staring at his sleeping face were perfect. 

I thought back to all those months of trying to get pregnant. The medications, the blood draws, the timed sex. The hope, and then the crushing disappointment when another month failed. I also thought of those of you who are still trying. I hope with all of my heart that your dreams come true, and you can also have a little one asleep on your lap someday soon. 

Let's Talk About Breastfeeding

All throughout my pregnancy, I heard stories of how difficult labor is, how hard it is function on so little sleep in the newborn stage, how hard it is to not have any "me" time. Everyone failed to mention, however, how hard breastfeeding is, and I really wish someone had told me.

I don't want to scare anyone who is pregnant, or still trying, but breastfeeding, and eventually deciding to stop, is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

Once my milk came in, Kieran had a pretty good latch, and was a good eater. He ate best in the football hold on the right side, but we were able to do the "normal" cradle hold on the left. My nipples were sore for a few days in the beginning, but they never cracked or bled.

From the outside, it looked like we had breastfeeding down. But internally, I was constantly worried about my supply. I started pumping almost from day one because I thought Kieran would be going to daycare one day, and I wanted to have an ample freezer stash built up. I could never get more than an ounce out of each side per session, but everyone told me not to worry because what you were able to pump wasn't an indicator of what baby was able to get.

At Kieran's one month appointment, he had only gained 12 ounces from birth and had dropped from the 92nd percentile to the 43rd. At his two month, he had only gained a pound and 7 ounces. At four months, he had only gained two pounds, 10 ounces and was up every 45 minutes throughout the night to eat. I knew then, that he wasn't getting the food that he needed.

Even though I was pumping multiple times a day, breastfeeding on demand, taking fenugreek, eating oatmeal, and drinking enough water to drown, my supply was still tiny. It was suggested that I start supplementing with formula to make sure Kieran was getting the nutrients he needed.

Breaking out that can of formula I had hid in his closet "just in case" was the hardest thing I ever did. I bawled when I gave Kieran his first bottle of formula because I felt like such a failure and a bad mother. Everyone told me that "breast is best" and no one complained about how difficult it was, so I figured I was doing something wrong.

Since starting formula, my supply continued to drop, and eventually pretty much disappeared. I decided last week to stop breastfeeding when I tried to feed Kieran and he screamed at the breast because nothing was coming out. I was only getting half an ounce after pumping both breasts for 30 minutes, so I knew my supply was next to nothing.

Deciding to stop breastfeeding has come with a lot of guilt. I had dreams of breastfeeding Kieran until he self weened, even if that meant he waited until he was two. My dream of a drug free vaginal birth was taken from me, so I was really hoping breastfeeding would work out, but it was just one more thing my body failed at. I am thankful that Kieran was exclusively breastfed for 4 months, and getting some breast milk up until 7 months, but I will forever wish it was longer.

Even thought I know I'm doing what's best for my son, there will always be a part of me that will feel guilty for not trying harder, for not trying one more supplement or pumping schedule that promised to increase my supply. Even though I talked to Kieran's pediatrician, and the hospital lactation consultant, both who told me to use formula, I wonder if I had searched for a more understanding expert, that things would have turned out differently.

I am lucky to have met a wonderful group of women on Twitter who have supported me throughout these tough decisions. Some of them exclusively breastfed, some exclusively pump, some do a mix of formula and breast milk, some use formula. All of them, however, have never judged me for my decisions, and have always been there with a kind word. I've also learned that I'm not the only one who has struggled with breastfeeding, or the guilt of not succeeding.

I wonder why women can swap stories of torn vaginas and multiple-day labors like they're nothing, but they can't discuss the difficulties of breastfeeding. Is it because breastfeeding is supposed to be so "natural" and admitting to anything else will be looked down upon? I, for one, vow to share my difficulties in hopes of letting expectant mothers know that breastfeeding is hard work. There are resources out there that can help, and I am always here if you have questions or need someone to talk to. Over my TTC and mothering journeys, I have met a lot of wonderful women, so if I don't know the answer, I'm sure I can find someone who does.

If I can offer any advice to expectant mothers, it is to have someone on your side who will support you in your breastfeeding journey. My husband always cheered me on while I tried to breastfeed, and was a wonderful shoulder to cry on when I decided enough was enough. I'm sure I would have given up a lot sooner if it wasn't for the support of my husband and Twitter friends.

Anyone else had breastfeeding difficulties? Have any amazing resources, tips or tricks to share?

Quick Life Update

I never wanted to be one of those bloggers that went weeks without updating, but here I am.

Life is busy with a baby, blah, blah, work, blah, blah, no sleep, blah blah blah.

You get the gist of it.

Here's a quick update is bullet points because I have maybe half an hour before Kieran wakes up from his nap.

• In all seriousness, work is ridiculously busy. I have 4 coworkers, and they've all been out of the office lately for various reasons. On a regular basis, I'm doing the work of two full time positions, but with my coworkers being out, I'm also picking up their workload. For the past month, I've been having to bring work home with me, and it's starting to really drain me. Our biggest fundraiser is this week, so hopefully things will slow down after that. 
• Along the same lines, Kieran still comes to work with me, but I'm starting to look for part-time daycare. He's getting to the age where he's not content just laying around and watching the world go by. He's wanting more one-on-one time and I unfortunately can't give it to him all the time at work, especially when I'm covering for my other coworkers. We've started looking for part time daycare (ideally, Tuesday/Thursday half day,) but there's a waiting list almost everywhere, so it may take a while. I have so many feelings on this topic, but that's for another post (hopefully.) 
• Kieran is now breastfed, bottle fed, and eats solid food. I've posted a bit on our struggles with breastfeeding, but haven't posted the entire story because things keep changing. As of right now, he breastfeeds right after he wakes up for the day, as well as any time he wakes up overnight, but most of his nutrition comes from formula. He'll also get a bottle of pumped breast milk when I'm able to fill one (takes about 4 pumping sessions to get 5 ounces.) We've also started solid foods and he loves them. We're doing a mix of purees and baby led weaning. We give him purees to make sure he gets some more calories in him, but give him safe-sized pieces of food so that he can practice chewing and feeding himself. So far, we haven't found a food he doesn't love!
• The topic of baby #2 has come up. We're pretty set on trying again after Kieran turns one, but adoption has also been discussed. Keegan and I both want to adopt someday, but I'm not sure if now is the right time. However, I also don't know if I'm yearning to be pregnant again. I had a fairly easy pregnancy (besides gestational diabetes) up until I went into preterm labor, and then had a pretty rough delivery. As much as I loved feeling Kieran kick inside me, I don't have this great desire to feel that again. However, I do want to give Kieran a sibling, if possible. Lots to think, and talk, about. 
• I'm having body issues. About 2 weeks after delivery, I had lost all of my baby weight. I was so happy that my body finally seemed to do something right. Over the past 7 months, however, I have gained all of the weight back, plus some. I'm back at the weight I was before I lost about 40 pounds over the year and a half it took for us to conceive. I've been working out more and watching what I eat, but it's not putting a dent in the pounds. I know that Metformin is the key to me losing weight, but after talking with both Kieran's pediatrician and my own doctor, we've decided it's not safe for me to go on while breastfeeding. I really want to lose at least 40 pounds before I get pregnant again (if that's how we decide to grow our family,) but I also don't want to deprive Kieran of the small amount of breast milk he gets now. It's a decision I've been struggling with lately and I'm not sure if there's a "right" answer. 

So, there's a quick run down of life with a 7 month old, and it only took me 4 days to write!