Microblog Monday: Taking A Moment

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Kieran fell asleep on me when I was trying to get him down for his nap this morning. It's rare for him to fall asleep on me these days, so even though I had work to get done, I let him sleep. He stirred after about 20 minutes, so I transferred him to his crib, but those 20 minutes of staring at his sleeping face were perfect. 

I thought back to all those months of trying to get pregnant. The medications, the blood draws, the timed sex. The hope, and then the crushing disappointment when another month failed. I also thought of those of you who are still trying. I hope with all of my heart that your dreams come true, and you can also have a little one asleep on your lap someday soon. 

Let's Talk About Breastfeeding

All throughout my pregnancy, I heard stories of how difficult labor is, how hard it is function on so little sleep in the newborn stage, how hard it is to not have any "me" time. Everyone failed to mention, however, how hard breastfeeding is, and I really wish someone had told me.

I don't want to scare anyone who is pregnant, or still trying, but breastfeeding, and eventually deciding to stop, is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life.

Once my milk came in, Kieran had a pretty good latch, and was a good eater. He ate best in the football hold on the right side, but we were able to do the "normal" cradle hold on the left. My nipples were sore for a few days in the beginning, but they never cracked or bled.

From the outside, it looked like we had breastfeeding down. But internally, I was constantly worried about my supply. I started pumping almost from day one because I thought Kieran would be going to daycare one day, and I wanted to have an ample freezer stash built up. I could never get more than an ounce out of each side per session, but everyone told me not to worry because what you were able to pump wasn't an indicator of what baby was able to get.

At Kieran's one month appointment, he had only gained 12 ounces from birth and had dropped from the 92nd percentile to the 43rd. At his two month, he had only gained a pound and 7 ounces. At four months, he had only gained two pounds, 10 ounces and was up every 45 minutes throughout the night to eat. I knew then, that he wasn't getting the food that he needed.

Even though I was pumping multiple times a day, breastfeeding on demand, taking fenugreek, eating oatmeal, and drinking enough water to drown, my supply was still tiny. It was suggested that I start supplementing with formula to make sure Kieran was getting the nutrients he needed.

Breaking out that can of formula I had hid in his closet "just in case" was the hardest thing I ever did. I bawled when I gave Kieran his first bottle of formula because I felt like such a failure and a bad mother. Everyone told me that "breast is best" and no one complained about how difficult it was, so I figured I was doing something wrong.

Since starting formula, my supply continued to drop, and eventually pretty much disappeared. I decided last week to stop breastfeeding when I tried to feed Kieran and he screamed at the breast because nothing was coming out. I was only getting half an ounce after pumping both breasts for 30 minutes, so I knew my supply was next to nothing.

Deciding to stop breastfeeding has come with a lot of guilt. I had dreams of breastfeeding Kieran until he self weened, even if that meant he waited until he was two. My dream of a drug free vaginal birth was taken from me, so I was really hoping breastfeeding would work out, but it was just one more thing my body failed at. I am thankful that Kieran was exclusively breastfed for 4 months, and getting some breast milk up until 7 months, but I will forever wish it was longer.

Even thought I know I'm doing what's best for my son, there will always be a part of me that will feel guilty for not trying harder, for not trying one more supplement or pumping schedule that promised to increase my supply. Even though I talked to Kieran's pediatrician, and the hospital lactation consultant, both who told me to use formula, I wonder if I had searched for a more understanding expert, that things would have turned out differently.

I am lucky to have met a wonderful group of women on Twitter who have supported me throughout these tough decisions. Some of them exclusively breastfed, some exclusively pump, some do a mix of formula and breast milk, some use formula. All of them, however, have never judged me for my decisions, and have always been there with a kind word. I've also learned that I'm not the only one who has struggled with breastfeeding, or the guilt of not succeeding.

I wonder why women can swap stories of torn vaginas and multiple-day labors like they're nothing, but they can't discuss the difficulties of breastfeeding. Is it because breastfeeding is supposed to be so "natural" and admitting to anything else will be looked down upon? I, for one, vow to share my difficulties in hopes of letting expectant mothers know that breastfeeding is hard work. There are resources out there that can help, and I am always here if you have questions or need someone to talk to. Over my TTC and mothering journeys, I have met a lot of wonderful women, so if I don't know the answer, I'm sure I can find someone who does.

If I can offer any advice to expectant mothers, it is to have someone on your side who will support you in your breastfeeding journey. My husband always cheered me on while I tried to breastfeed, and was a wonderful shoulder to cry on when I decided enough was enough. I'm sure I would have given up a lot sooner if it wasn't for the support of my husband and Twitter friends.

Anyone else had breastfeeding difficulties? Have any amazing resources, tips or tricks to share?

Quick Life Update

I never wanted to be one of those bloggers that went weeks without updating, but here I am.

Life is busy with a baby, blah, blah, work, blah, blah, no sleep, blah blah blah.

You get the gist of it.

Here's a quick update is bullet points because I have maybe half an hour before Kieran wakes up from his nap.

• In all seriousness, work is ridiculously busy. I have 4 coworkers, and they've all been out of the office lately for various reasons. On a regular basis, I'm doing the work of two full time positions, but with my coworkers being out, I'm also picking up their workload. For the past month, I've been having to bring work home with me, and it's starting to really drain me. Our biggest fundraiser is this week, so hopefully things will slow down after that. 
• Along the same lines, Kieran still comes to work with me, but I'm starting to look for part-time daycare. He's getting to the age where he's not content just laying around and watching the world go by. He's wanting more one-on-one time and I unfortunately can't give it to him all the time at work, especially when I'm covering for my other coworkers. We've started looking for part time daycare (ideally, Tuesday/Thursday half day,) but there's a waiting list almost everywhere, so it may take a while. I have so many feelings on this topic, but that's for another post (hopefully.) 
• Kieran is now breastfed, bottle fed, and eats solid food. I've posted a bit on our struggles with breastfeeding, but haven't posted the entire story because things keep changing. As of right now, he breastfeeds right after he wakes up for the day, as well as any time he wakes up overnight, but most of his nutrition comes from formula. He'll also get a bottle of pumped breast milk when I'm able to fill one (takes about 4 pumping sessions to get 5 ounces.) We've also started solid foods and he loves them. We're doing a mix of purees and baby led weaning. We give him purees to make sure he gets some more calories in him, but give him safe-sized pieces of food so that he can practice chewing and feeding himself. So far, we haven't found a food he doesn't love!
• The topic of baby #2 has come up. We're pretty set on trying again after Kieran turns one, but adoption has also been discussed. Keegan and I both want to adopt someday, but I'm not sure if now is the right time. However, I also don't know if I'm yearning to be pregnant again. I had a fairly easy pregnancy (besides gestational diabetes) up until I went into preterm labor, and then had a pretty rough delivery. As much as I loved feeling Kieran kick inside me, I don't have this great desire to feel that again. However, I do want to give Kieran a sibling, if possible. Lots to think, and talk, about. 
• I'm having body issues. About 2 weeks after delivery, I had lost all of my baby weight. I was so happy that my body finally seemed to do something right. Over the past 7 months, however, I have gained all of the weight back, plus some. I'm back at the weight I was before I lost about 40 pounds over the year and a half it took for us to conceive. I've been working out more and watching what I eat, but it's not putting a dent in the pounds. I know that Metformin is the key to me losing weight, but after talking with both Kieran's pediatrician and my own doctor, we've decided it's not safe for me to go on while breastfeeding. I really want to lose at least 40 pounds before I get pregnant again (if that's how we decide to grow our family,) but I also don't want to deprive Kieran of the small amount of breast milk he gets now. It's a decision I've been struggling with lately and I'm not sure if there's a "right" answer. 

So, there's a quick run down of life with a 7 month old, and it only took me 4 days to write! 

MicroBlog Monday: Flying With Baby

Want to know more about Microblog Mondays? Go here. 

My cousin is getting married in British Columbia in June, and I really want to go to the wedding. Unfortunately, Keegan has a prior commitment, so it will just be Kieran and myself with any other members of my family that decide to go. The current plan is for us to drive up to St. Louis so that I can meet up with my mom and have some help during the flight (flights out of St. Louis are also $300 cheaper than flying out of Memphis!)

I have obviously never flown with a baby, so I am clueless about everything. My biggest questions are about car seats and food. I've heard some parents decide to check their car seats while some decide to buy their baby a ticket and have them sit in their car seats next to them during the flight. I've also just recently read that some car rental places rent our car seats as well, so we wouldn't have to bother bringing one on the flight.

As for food, I'm assuming security is ok with parents bringing formula and baby food as long as it's packaged and hasn't been opened, right? We would only be gone for a weekend, so I would probably purchase the pre-portioned packets of formula for convince.

Don't even get me started on the fact that we're going to have to get Kieran a passport.

The more I think about it, the more overwhelmed I get, but I rarely see my extended family, so it's important to me that I try and be there.

If anyone has any travel tips and advice for flying with a baby, I'm all ears!

Kieran 6 Months

If you'd like to see this post with pictures of Kieran, let me know and I can send you the password to our family blog. 

Height: 25.5 inches

 

Weight: 16 pounds, 1 ounce

 

Head circumference: 18 inches

 

Clothing: We have officially put away his 0-3, 3 month, and short sleeved 3-6 month clothing. He can still fit in his long sleeved 3-6 month onesies, so we've kept those out until the weather warms up, then they'll be put away too. Depending on the brand, he can fit in 3-6, 6, and 9 month clothes (mainly pants.) Kieran is long and lean, so he needs to wear pants in the next age range to fit his legs and over his fluffy bum, but they're normally too big in the waist.

 

We increased the rise in all of his diapers this month. We purchased 20 BumGenius diapers from a lady off of Craigslist, so those are what we've been using the majority of the time. We use a soaker plus a doubler for daytime, and a prefold and doubler for night time.

 

We bought 20 BumGenius diapers, all of the inserts, about 300 liners, two wet bags, a bag of Rockin' Green detergent and some clothes pins for $180 off a lady I found on Craigslist!

 

Nicknames: Chubby Cheekers, Bubba, Bubster, Mister Man, Bubablub, Bubsy, Lovey Lou, Grumpy Gills when he’s super fussy.

 

Food: Kieran is still formula and breastfed. We've also added a "solid" food once or twice a day. He's had bananas, pears, apples, sweet potatoes and avocado. He wasn't the biggest fan of avocado, I think because it has a more slippery texture than the fruits. We will also give him small pieces of fruits and vegetables that we're eating. This next month, I want to start doing a more baby lead weaning approach and let him explore large pieces of foods, even if he doesn't digest much of them.

 

Sleep: Still have good and bad nights, but he's been sleeping through the night for the past week (around 8 pm til about 6:30 am.) We did have a few nights over the last month that I think he was teething, so we had to give him some children's pain reliever to calm him down enough that he would sleep.

 

Naps: Still on the same nap schedule. He'll fall asleep between 10 and 11, between 2 and 3, and then sometimes take a cat nap on the way home from work. Naps are difficult at home on the weekends because we have so much going on that he wants to be a part of that he doesn't want to sleep and miss out on anything.

Milestones & Tidbits:

 

- We think he has begun teething. He LOVES having anything and everything in his mouth, and he drools so much that he often has a spit bubble beard.

 

- His ability to sit up has really increased. He'll sit up for minutes at a time, but gets wobbly if he gets really excited. We always stay close, or put soft stuff around him in case he topples over.

 

-  Along with sitting up on the floor (or table...) he has also gotten steady enough to sit up in a shopping cart. We always hold onto him (or put blankets or soft shopping bags around him), but he's doing most of the work himself.

 

- He has become more interested in textures. I had a bandage on my finger one day, and he sat in my lap and played with it for at least 20 minutes

 

 

-  We purchased walker for him and he LOVES it! He loves being a part of things, and it's perfect for us to put him in when we're doing things in the kitchen. He hangs out in our dining room and watches us cook.

 

- He's found his tongue recently and loves to stick it out.

- He had his first Valentine's Day!

- He loves Keegan's glasses, we think because he can see himself in them. There have been many times when Kieran will reach up and grab Keegan's glasses right off his face.

Likes: people watching, watching cars go by, flirting with ladies, eating, blowing raspberries, sticking out his tongue, being tickled

 

Dislikes: being cold, being in the car seat for long periods of time, especially if it’s not moving, tummy time

 

Favorite Pictures:

Most of the time he crosses his legs when he nurses

My PCOS Is Out Of Control

Source

When Kieran was 2 weeks old, I went in to check how my c-section scar was healing. I hopped up on the scale and was please to see that I had lost all of my baby weight, plus a few pounds. "For once," I thought, "my body is doing something right!"

Fast forward a few months and I've gained all of the weight back, plus some. The 40+ pounds I worked so hard to lose before getting pregnant are not-so-slowly creeping back around my midsection, and it's painfully obvious by how my clothes aren't fitting anymore. I'm also growing a beard faster than my husband, which results in him having to wax it every week.

My body is out of whack and I can feel it.

I know that Metformin and a low-carb diet (even going so far as a low-amylose diet) works wonders to get my hormones back in line, but I was told that I shouldn't be on Metformin while I'm breastfeeding. Truthfully, breastfeeding Kieran is more important to me right now than fitting back in my jeans, but I'm afraid of how letting my hormones run rampant right now will affect us trying to conceive baby #2.

It took me about a year to lose those 40 pounds, and that was on a fairly strict low amylose diet with exercise. Let's be honest, even if Kieran weaned himself tomorrow, I barely have time to throw some spaghetti in a pot, let alone try to make noodles out of carrots. Thankfully exercise isn't too difficult; Kieran loves to go on walks in his stroller, so I try to take him out when the weather is nice.

Source

If we're lucky to have another child, we'd like to have them fairly close in age. The current plan is to start trying again when Kieran is about a year old. After three cycles au natural, we'll go back to our RE. I'm afraid that if I start back on the Metformin again when Kieran is a year, it'll take me another year to lose the weight and get my hormones in check enough to sustain a pregnancy. Who knows how long it'll take for us to get pregnant this time around. We could looking at the kids to be 3, 4, 5 years apart (obviously my mind is great at imagining the worst case scenario.) Of course we'll take another baby any time he or she decides to join us, but it would be nice for one aspect of our family making to go as planned.

I'm not ready to stop breastfeeding, but I'm wondering how long I should go before trying to get things ready to TTC again. It's a strange pull between wanting to do what's best for my outside baby, while also trying to prepare for the baby in my dreams.

Kieran 5 Months

Height: 25.25 inches

 

Weight: 12 pounds, 14 ounces 

 

Head circumference: 17 inches

 

Clothing: We're starting to put away his 0-3 month clothes, especially his pajamas with feet because he's too tall for them, even though he hasn't outgrown them in the waist. He only has a few 3-6 month PJs, so we may have to break out the 6 month size soon.

 

Still loving our cloth diapers. We've started having to increase the rise setting in his overnight diapers because we've had to add extra absorbency and it makes his diapers too bulky.

 

Nicknames: Chubby Cheekers, Bubba, Bubster, Mister Man, Grumpy Gills when he's super fussy.

 

Food: Kieran is officially a breastfed and formula fed baby. After battling last month with his weight gain, his doctor suggested we start supplementing with formula. I was really against it and asked if we could supplement with solid food instead, which she agreed to. However, after talking to a lactation consultant who told me that starting solids before 6 months could lead to food allergies, we decided to use formula. As of right now, he gets two 5 ounce bottles - around 11 am and 3 pm - and one bottle before bed. We have just started making his bedtime bottle a hefty 8 ounces and adding a bit of oatmeal to hopefully keep him full overnight. He gained 1lb, 3oz in two weeks once we started supplementing. 

 

Our feeding schedule looks roughly like this:

7-7:30 am - Kieran wakes up and nurses

10 ish - nurse at work

11-noon - bottle

1ish - nurse at work

2-3 - bottle

4:30-5 - nurse

6:30ish- nurse

7:30-8:30 - big bottle and nurse down for bed

8:30-7:30 - he'll wake up and nurse anywhere from once to four times overnight

 

Sleep: Sleep started getting better once we realized he was waking up so much because he was hungry. I still can't say that he's sleeping through the night because we have good and bad nights. He usually goes to bed between 7:30 and 8:30 and will wake up anywhere between one and 4 times a night. I always go in a nurse him, and he falls back asleep quickly.

 

Naps: I can confidently say that we have a nap schedule now. He'll fall asleep between 10 and noon, between 2 and 4, and usually on the drive home. We still struggle to get him to nap at home on the weekends, and we think it's because Keegan is home which is new and different to him. At work, he'll normally sleep at least an hour, but at home, we struggle to get longer than half an hour.

 

Milestones & Tidbits:

- K read Kieran "The Night Before Christmas" for the first time

- had his first Christmas and New Years! We spent Christmas morning with my side of the family and Kieran got passed around to each family member who helped him open a present. He was surprisingly good at ripping the paper, but often tried to eat it. We then drove down to K's parents and did Christmas night with them.

- Met his "uncle" Brendan for the first time (K's best friend) 

- he's noticing facial features more. When he's nursing, he'll reach up and try to touch my eyes which has resulted in a lot of eye pokes.

- He's also started playing with his feet while he nurses. It's cute until he looses grip and I get a foot to the chin.

- He's found my hair and LOVES to pull it.

- He's starting to notice our cats. He'll track them when they run across the house, watch them intently when they hop up on the couch to cuddle with us, and loves to pet them. We're already starting the "no, don't pull Mika's ear. Be gentle when you pet her" dialogue.

- He's babbling up a storm. I know his babbles don't mean anything, but I've definitely heard "mama" a few times. He's also found his love of shrieking.

- He has taken to pulling and putting the nursing cover in his mouth. Many times I've had to make a quick catch of the cover before I flash everyone around me.

- Kieran loves my dad's beard.

- Kieran "made" his grandparents and aunts artwork for Christmas

- Mizzou went to the Citrus Bowl on January 1, so we all dressed in our Tigers gear 

- He's using his pacifier less and less. He'll fall asleep with it in, but let it fall out within seconds. He'll also take it out and try to put it back in his mouth, but 9 times out of 10, he starts sucking on the side.

- We watched him take his pacifier out of his mouth and toss it across his crib one night, which meant I couldn't find it when I went in to console him, so we got a pacifier clip and attached it to his sleep sack.

Likes: eating, bath time, lights, people watching, sitting and looking at the world, LOVES his blanket.

 

Dislikes: being cold, being in the car seat for long periods of time, especially if it's not moving.

 

He fell asleep with his fingers in the sign language "I Love You"