An Update of Sorts (Otherwise Known as a Pity Party)

I've been holding up on this update for about a week now hoping that something good will come along so that this post isn't so "woe is me," but alas, nothing has come up which means this will be a pity party post. If you don't feel like listening (reading?) to me whine and moan, I don't blame you for waiting for my next update.

Anyhoozle, on the 18th, I went in for a follow up with my doctor and an ultrasound to see if I had any cysts on my ovaries. I must say, I felt pretty jipped as I saw cute pregnant lady after cute pregnant lady go into the ultrasound room and come out with a strip of pictures of their little jelly beans. I went in, had the lady stick a wand up my hoo-ha (sorry, TMI?) and was told I have numerous cysts making my ovaries their play house. I didn't even get a picture.

My doctor explained that I have numerous cysts on both ovaries, the smallest being about 3 cm with a few larger ones. They're nothing to seriously worry about, but we're going to keep an eye on them and ensure they don't be come a (bigger) problem. Dr. B also increased the amount of glucophage I'm on from 500 mg/day to 1000 mg/day. We made another appointment for 6 weeks out which will include blood work to check my levels and another ultrasound to make sure I haven't grown any more unwelcome visitors.

I'm not going to lie, finding out that I officially have cysts hit me harder than I thought it would. I mean, if the blood levels, medications and wonky body symptoms weren't enough, seeing the cysts up on the ultrasound screen proved without a doubt that I have PCOS. I honestly expected to see the cysts, but actually seeing them, seeing that there was no way for this to be a mistake, it really hit me hard.

Dr. B also told me that the spotting and cramps I experienced a week before my cycle was supposed to start was perfectly normal. My body was just getting used to the new routine and such. Little did I know, this would be come my new "normal." I've been spotting and cramping for two.weeks.straight. I was prescribed naproxen for the cramping and I've had to take it once so I could silence the cramps enough to let me sleep. To be perfectly honest, my sex drive has pretty much gone in the toilet, but this new addition pretty much ensures that there will be no "oops" babies in our future unless we are the modern day recipients of immaculate conception.

Some good news? According to the doctor's scale, I lost 4 pounds in a month. Much better than the 1 pound/month my doctor wanted, but not as good as the 10 pounds my home scale told me. I think we need to get that thing calibrated (can you calibrate a home scale?) 

The increase in my glucophage has ensured me that I will be at least another 4 pounds lighter come my next appointment. The medication has made me so flipping nauseous that Monday-Wednesday, I was surviving off of one granny smith apple and one granola bar. Come Wednesday afternoon, the thought of apples made me dry heave at my desk, so off to Kroger I went for my own version of the BRAT (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) diet. I got Propel, mini croissants, oyster crackers and ginger ale. I was able to keep down a bottle of Propel, a cup of ginger ale, a few croissants and about 1/3 of the bag of oyster crackers, which was more food than I had eaten in 4 days, so I'm going to stick with this diet until the pukey feeling disappears. When I first started the glucophage, it took my body about 3 weeks to be able to eat full meals again, so I'm assuming I'm going to need to keep a stock pile of crackers and ginger ale for a while.

I've also had the strangest food aversions. I've basically thrown my diet out the window since the thought of meat, vegetables, most fruits and even water makes me become good friends with the toilet. The strangest thing is it's not smells that do me in most, it's the sight or thought of food that makes me really sick.

To be perfectly honest, I few times I've thought to myself, "is this really worth it?" The feeling usually hits the strongest when I'm sitting in bed at 2 am, holding my puke bowl, feeling like my uterus is staging a protest against me and trying to cry quietly so I don't wake up Keegan next to me. Is it really worth it for me to feel this way for the next however many days/weeks/months/years it take us to get pregnant? Once I calm down, I know in my head that it is worth it, that being a mom is the one thing I've wanted to do since I was little, but it's hard for my heart to convince my head of this when I can't even walk into my kitchen without having to run for the bathroom.

I feel horrible because I've been so useless lately. I can't cook Keegan dinner like I normally do. Usually when he comes home, I've had to tell him to fend for himself because I can't even think about cooking. It's not that he can't cook, it's just something that I like doing for him after he's worked a 14 hour day. The dishes have also gone by the wayside since looking at them makes me sick. I finally felt better enough last night to do some laundry which desperately needed to be done. Because I haven't been eating, I've had very little energy. I feel like my work has suffered because I can't get as much done as I usually do. I also had to leave work early yesterday because the apple I ate was making me dry heave at my desk. Personally, if I'm going to spew, I'd rather do it at the comfort of my own home than at work, ya know?

Oh, also, my boobs hurt like someone round-house kicked me in the chest. Showering hurts, it's that ridiculous.

I think the thing that bothers me the most about all of this is that I don't know how to help myself. Usually when I'm sick or hurt, I listen to my body and it'll tell me what I need to do to help myself. Now, all of my usual remedies have actually made things worse. Keegan keeps asking me what he can do to help, but I don't know what to tell him when I can't even help myself. It also bothers me that I basically have all the symptoms of being pregnant without the prize of a squishy baby at the end.

So that's pretty much what's been going on with me. If anyone has any words of wisdom or advice, it would be greatly appreciated right about now. I'd love to hear from someone else who has gone through something similar. Hearing "ya, it sucks right now, but it's totally worth it at the end" would be a perfect pick up I need.

Again, I apologize that this post has been so whiney and self centered, but I think I lost my creative juices about a week ago.