Thursday, October 3, 2013

Hope's A Bitch

I really wanted to be one of those success stories. You know, those women who get pregnant before they move onto their next big step? I wanted to be able to call my doctor and tell him to forget about that Clomid prescription, because this was our lucky cycle and we got pregnant the "natural" way.

For a second, I thought I was. For a second, I let hope back in.

I started talking pregnancy tests on 9 DPO, even thought I knew logically that it was too early. Negative, of course. 10DPO and 11DPO came up with the same results. I stopped testing because I figured if it was going to happen, it would have by now.

12DPO came and I started lightly spotting which is normal for me a day or two before my period. Since I was having period like cramps, I figured my favorite aunt would come knocking yesterday, on 13DPO.

But she didn't. All day yesterday, I was on high alert, feeling for cramps, waiting for that familiar gush that signaled the start of a new cycle. But it never came.

Today, as I inputted my temperature into Fertility Friend, I realized I was a day late. For as long as I've been tracking, that has never happened. My heart skipped a beat and I rushed to take a pregnancy test. This has to be it, right?

Negative.

No matter how I turned the test, no matter what light it was under, no matter how hard I squinted, it was negative.

I thought I had come to terms with the fact that this cycle wasn't going to work back on 9DPO when I had my first negative test, but that little bit of hope snuck back in and made me think "maybe, just maybe."

Now, I'm angry. I'm ready to move onto Clomid; heck, I was ready months ago. But once again, my body is proving that it can't do anything right. Even when I want my period to start, it taunts me with that little bit of hope and then makes me come crashing down again.

I hate hope. Hope's a bitch.

15 comments:

  1. To be brought up only to be let crashing down is an awful feeling. But this cycle brings you closer to the clomid one.. Anyway that's what I told myself last cycle, and now that I'm taking the letrozole I do feel a sense of relief that things are progressing. If this one doesn't work, of course, I don't know how I'll be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right, I'm just (hopefully) a few days away from starting my first Clomid cycle. Thanks for spinning things in a positive light for me. My fingers are crossed that this cycle is the one for you!

      Delete
  2. I was feeling so much like you in August. Hope is a bitch, but we still hold on to her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hope is a cruel mistress, that's for sure. I hate her and love her at the same time.

      Delete
  3. Oh I'm so sorry. I've been there so many times! For me, PCOS was a horrible mistress who was always taunting me with missed periods and pregnancy-like symptoms...and all I ever found was a BFN.

    My fingers are crossed for a quick journey on Clomid and the next time you think your preggo, it's because you are!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for the crossed fingers!

      Delete
  4. hope can be so very cruel. but faith is so much stronger.
    head up my sweet girl.
    i am thinking of you, every day!
    sending you love and my prayers!
    (maybe God has plans for us to be pregnant together?!.. that man is a silly man you kno!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would love to be pregnant with you! You and Isaiah should get on that!

      Delete
  5. Ugh I hate when that happens! On the brightside you didn't get a squinty evap and or indent line, so you were able to put hope in it's place rather than let it in even more. I hope she shows for you soon so you can move on to your Clomid cycle!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm sorry. For me. For you. For anyone who has to experience infertility. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I feel your pain. That damn hope got me this month too :(

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hope is a bitch, especially when it's already difficult to stay hopeful in the first place... I'm so sorry. I hope AF shows her ugly face so you can move onward and upward. ((big hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ugh, I'm so sorry. : (

    I like your new header, by the way!

    ReplyDelete