My Cat Is An Asshole

Now before someone sends PETA on me, I'm going to put this disclaimer up here. I love my cat. She just happened to fall into our laps, and I'm extremely happy that she did. I feed her, water her, cuddle her, and let her sleep in our bed. All that said, she's still an asshole and I'll tell you why. 

My husband, Keegan, gets up between 5:00 and 5:30 AM for work. I get up at 8:00. Mika (pronounced Mee-ka,) our cat, decided this week that these early hours in the morning would be play time. She's still young, about a year old, so I understand she needs to practice "life skills" like stalking and hunting. We have given her toys so that she can practice, but she only seems to like to hunt us. Her favorite is to hunt while we're in bed. She'll hunker down below the comforter, wiggle her butt and then pounce on whatever she had her sights on. It's downright adorable.

Earlier this week, she decided to practice her hunting skills in the wee hours of the morning. Keegan had just left for work and I was trying to fall back asleep when I felt her little body pounce on my right foot. She nibbled on my toes for a moment then hunkered down and proceeded to pounce on my left foot. She made her way up my body, pouncing on my shins, knees and thighs. Just as I thought she had her fill of bouncing on my body, I felt two small paws with sharp claws pounce right on my lady parts. My cat literally cunt punched me. She then decided to stand on my stomach, right above my uterus. Good morning indeed.

If this was an isolated incident, I would forgive her. However, she's done it almost every morning since, thus making her an asshole. If this cycle fails, I'm blaming her. If I was an embryo, I wouldn't want to implant in such a hostile place, either.

Don't let that adorable face fool you. She's just waiting to cunt punch you, too.