"Y'all had it easy."
That's the text response I got from a real life friend when I let her know we had gotten a positive pregnancy test.
In comparison, I suppose from her standpoint (she recently out she was pregnant after IVF,) we did have it easy since we seemed to have conceived after our second round of Clomid.
I don't think her remark was meant to be hurtful, but it stung. The fact that we conceived after only two rounds of Clomid is something that I feel extremely guilty about, a feeling I have been wrestling with since I saw the word "pregnant."
I feel guilty because it only took us a year and a half, and a few months of Clomid while there are women, many of which I call dear friends, who are spending their life savings on IUI or IVF. I feel guilty because there are women who have been fighting for years, have had losses, or who have had to turn to adoption because they are not able to have biological children.
I feel guilty because I've had a hard time connecting to this pregnancy, even though so many women would love to be in my shoes. I'm guarded because we haven't seen a heartbeat yet and I know so much can go wrong in these early weeks, but I feel like I should be head over heels in love with this little bundle of cells growing inside me...but I'm not.
Will I be devastated if we don't see a heartbeat on the 23? Of course. But instead of taking time to "properly" mourn my loss, I will want to move onto the next steps as quickly as possible. Last night, Keegan and I had a talk about what steps we would feel comfortable doing if we didn't see a heartbeat. Morbid perhaps, but I'm the kind of person who needs to have a plan.
I have been nervous about posting anything about my pregnancy on here because I know that I have "passed up" some of my friends who have been trying for much longer than we have. I also know that I have friends who have experienced losses recently and I am so afraid of hurting them. The last thing I want to do is to cause anyone pain, but I need a place to express my feelings, both my excitement and my fears.
I suppose I thought that once I was pregnant, things would be all sunshine and rainbows, but recently, I've been feeling more lost and scared than at any point during our trying to conceive journey. Perhaps it was because while we were TTC, I had a goal, and ways to accomplish that goal, but now, I'm just sitting and waiting, hoping that everything is ok. I'm not very good with letting go of control, but my control over my pregnancy has been ripped out of my hands. If we come home with a baby in nine months is decided by cells dividing and hormone levels rising. There's nothing more I can do than hope that everything is ok.
I'm not quite sure what I was trying to accomplish with this post, perhaps it was just a stream of thoughts that I've been holding in recently. I don't know where I fit in the world of IF bloggers anymore. Yes, I'm pregnant, but I'm also vulnerable and scared and need support more than ever. However, I also realize how hard it is to be a support for someone who had made it to the other side.
I am so thankful to anyone who continues to read and support Keegan and I in this new journey, but I also hold no bad feelings towards anyone who needs to step back. Just know that I am rooting everyone on, no matter if you're still TTC, or reaching the end of your pregnancy. I love you all and I could never put into words how much your friendship means to me.