Sunday, December 15, 2013

"Y'all Had It Easy"

"Y'all had it easy."

That's the text response I got from a real life friend when I let her know we had gotten a positive pregnancy test.

In comparison, I suppose from her standpoint (she recently out she was pregnant after IVF,) we did have it easy since we seemed to have conceived after our second round of Clomid.

I don't think her remark was meant to be hurtful, but it stung. The fact that we conceived after only two rounds of Clomid is something that I feel extremely guilty about, a feeling I have been wrestling with since I saw the word "pregnant."

I feel guilty because it only took us a year and a half, and a few months of Clomid while there are women, many of which I call dear friends, who are spending their life savings on IUI or IVF. I feel guilty because there are women who have been fighting for years, have had losses, or who have had to turn to adoption because they are not able to have biological children.

I feel guilty because I've had a hard time connecting to this pregnancy, even though so many women would love to be in my shoes. I'm guarded because we haven't seen a heartbeat yet and I know so much can go wrong in these early weeks, but I feel like I should be head over heels in love with this little bundle of cells growing inside me...but I'm not.

Will I be devastated if we don't see a heartbeat on the 23? Of course. But instead of taking time to "properly" mourn my loss, I will want to move onto the next steps as quickly as possible. Last night, Keegan and I had a talk about what steps we would feel comfortable doing if we didn't see a heartbeat. Morbid perhaps, but I'm the kind of person who needs to have a plan.

I have been nervous about posting anything about my pregnancy on here because I know that I have "passed up" some of my friends who have been trying for much longer than we have. I also know that I have friends who have experienced losses recently and I am so afraid of hurting them. The last thing I want to do is to cause anyone pain, but I need a place to express my feelings, both my excitement and my fears.

I suppose I thought that once I was pregnant, things would be all sunshine and rainbows, but recently, I've been feeling more lost and scared than at any point during our trying to conceive journey. Perhaps it was because while we were TTC, I had a goal, and ways to accomplish that goal, but now, I'm just sitting and waiting, hoping that everything is ok. I'm not very good with letting go of control, but my control over my pregnancy has been ripped out of my hands. If we come home with a baby in nine months is decided by cells dividing and hormone levels rising. There's nothing more I can do than hope that everything is ok.

I'm not quite sure what I was trying to accomplish with this post, perhaps it was just a stream of thoughts that I've been holding in recently. I don't know where I fit in the world of IF bloggers anymore. Yes, I'm pregnant, but I'm also vulnerable and scared and need support more than ever. However, I also realize how hard it is to be a support for someone who had made it to the other side.

I am so thankful to anyone who continues to read and support Keegan and I in this new journey, but I also hold no bad feelings towards anyone who needs to step back. Just know that I am rooting everyone on, no matter if you're still TTC, or reaching the end of your pregnancy. I love you all and I could never put into words how much your friendship means to me.

12 comments:

  1. and so begins the beginning. you will hear SO many comments during your pregnancy. and many of them are rough or hard to interpret rather than happy. i don't know why that happens to women. i hope you get handfuls of happy because you deserve it. of course i understand more than 1 side of it, its all just a crazy thing how it works out. during my pregnancy i really found out who some real friends were. time to be happy girlfriend! your supporters are!

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  2. You should NOT feel guilty. Why or why not are questions no one can answer, and you shouldn't feel like you owe anyone an explanation, or that you should feel guilty. Just because your journey was a bit shorter and less expensive, doesn't mean it was less painful. We're all infertile. You're not more or less than I am. And we all hurt when it sucks, and we all deserve to be happy when it doesn't suck. I get that you're friend didn't mean anything by it, but I totally get how it would sting. Just remember that it's not for her to judge how easy you had it, she has no idea what its been like for you.

    I completely understand that you're not connecting to this pregnancy. It's a loaded situation. You know, first hand, that a positive test doesn't guarantee anything. We all know that. So it's harder to connect...but I have no doubt that once you get that baby in your arms, it will all melt away.

    Take care of yourself right now...it's such a scary, confusing time. My girlfriend once said that she spent so much time focused on GETTING pregnant, that she didn't know how to BE pregnant. She struggled for the first couple months but eventually started to adjust and now she's quite happy with her wee one.

    I'm sending positive, comforting vibes your way!

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  3. Aislinn - that was so well-written. I'm rushing this comment because I'm about to leave for my doctor appointment but I wanted you to know you're not alone in your feelings at all. I tried for 8 months and 3 rounds of Clomid and got pg on a natural cycle. I had it so much "easier" than most people, but I still felt like an infertile, and still do. Also, until I started bleeding at 6 weeks, I didn't know how much I loved that baby that I was growing. It doesn't have to happen right away, like it may seem for others. You'll get there. xoxoxoxo!!!!

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    1. I don't think I'll ever not feel infertile, especially when we try for future kids. It's just something that will forever stick with us, unfortunately. Thank you for your excitement and well wishes!

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  4. Dont feel guilty. Feel lucky and joyous! Shit ain't fair. That's just how it is. Some people get pg the first time and some wait 10 years. Wouldn't it be great if there was an order to it and you could just get in line and wait your turn? But you can't. People understand that. I only feel a strong connection to my embie when I see its little heart beating on screen. The rest of the time I can't see it or feel it so I have to remind myself its in there! I think for me especially early on I kept myself skeptical and tried to not get carried away with excitement as a defense mechanism to protect myself in case things went bad. As soon as I saw the heart beat I couldn't help but start racing happily into the future. Just be healthy and try to let the happiness sink in! So happy for you!!!!

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    1. Oh I know what you mean. I've been so cautious that sometimes I have remind myself to be happy about this little bean, but when we saw the heartbeat, my heart burst and I started planning the nursery, first birthdays, everything. It's a hard place to be where things can still go wrong, but the heart wants to race into the future.

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  5. Boy, do I know how you feel! I just got my BFP from our first IVF cycle, knowing many women go through multiple cycles before they are successful, and some never are. This is yet another way IF is a joy-killer.

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    1. Ugh, it really is. Congratulations again!

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  6. The other comments have said exactly what I was going to say - don't feel guilty! It shouldn't be a competition. There's no rhyme or reason to infertility. Some wait months, some wait years and some never get there. Some need meds, some need IUI, some need IVF - and again, some never get there. Obviously emotions run high when you are dealing with infertility but on the other hand there are so many of us out here that are SO happy for you, regardless of the journey it took to get to your BFP.

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    1. Thank you so much <3. I know, logically, that it's not a competition, but as you said, emotions can run high and I'm afraid of hurting those who have been some of my biggest supporters. I suppose I also have to realize that they're adults and know when to step back when they need to. Thank you so much for your continued support.

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  7. Oh man. I hope you don't think I've been avoiding you. I subscribe to your blog via RSS and this *just* showed up in my feed today. The date on it in my reader is actually today's date, which makes no sense bc I know you already saw the heartbeat. It wasn't until I clicked through I saw this was ages ago. <3

    Anyway. Your friend may have been through her own journey, and maybe it was longer than yours, but that doesn't diminish yours. You deserve this baby just as much as any of us, and your happiness doesn't detract from my chance of happiness—it adds to it. It makes me happy to see you succeed because it gives me hope. Do I hurt right now? God yes. Will I sometimes skip a post when I'm feeling bad? Most likely. But is that because of you? No. It's ME. I'm hurt, and through no fault of yours. I'm hurt *less* because of the support of you and my other friends. This community is your home, too, and as long as you write, I will be here.

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    1. Adi, I think the reason it just showed up is because I made my blog public again which probably means RSS thought it was a new post. Apparently posts don't show up with BlogLovin' or Feedly either when a blog is private.

      Anyways, thank you for this. I'll be honest and say that you've been the one I've been most afraid of hurting. I can't imagine your pain right now, but I can imagine that it's beyond difficult to still support someone who is going through the same milestones as you should be. You have no idea how much it means to me that you're still following my journey and cheering me on. You're such an amazing woman and I'm lucky to have you as a friend.

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