The last few weeks, I've been making the joke that we've been doing "XYZ the last time before baby gets here!"
Went to the movies "last time before baby gets here!"
Took a trip to the big city "to stock up on supplies before baby gets here!"
Went out to dinner for my birthday "last time it'll be just the two of us before baby gets here!"
But then, on my way to work today, it hit me. If we end up inducing on Monday, or if Breadcrumb decides to make his debut this weekend, this was my last time of driving to work before baby gets here.
And I cried.
I cried because I think it finally hit me in my core that we're going to have a baby, a son. A little person who is going to rely on us for the rest of his life. A son who we will get the privilege to see grow up, become a man, and eventually start his own family.
These last few months, I think we've been going through the motions of getting ready for baby. Getting the nursery prepared, buying tiny clothes, having showers and installing carseats. Always in the back of our minds, we knew that someday in the near future, we'd have a little being wearing those clothes, sleeping in that crib, sitting in the carseat. But for me, it finally hit that this is actually happening. Something that we hoped for, tried so hard to achieve for over a year and a half is finally coming true.
I cried because I'm scared.
Sometimes, during one of my middle of the night pee breaks, it hits me how big of a task raising a child is. During those infant days, they rely on you for everything, and to be quite honest, I know next to nothing about raising a baby. Thankfully we have friends and families that will help us out, and I have the best support system in the world through all of the friendships I have made through this blog and Twitter. I also reassure myself that if Snooki can raise a baby, I'm sure we'll do just fine.
But it is scary. I'm not scared about the basic parenting motions, I'm scared of how to explain sex, wars, terrorist attacks, death, why my son's crush likes his best friend, the big things of the world. I hardly understand them myself, how am I supposed to explain them to another being in a way that will answer his questions, but not scare him of the big world out there?
I'm scared of labor, I'll admit it. At 36 weeks, when we went into Labor and Delivery for a preterm labor scare, I felt like I could handle labor and kick it's ass if it happened that day. I felt strong and ready to go through the pain to bring my baby boy into the world. However, after almost three weeks of intense contractions, my body is tired. My abdomen feels like a huge muscle that has been worked over and over again. I'm not sleeping well and it's taking a toll on me emotionally. Add on an induction and the potential use of medications to make my contractions more intense, and I'm scared I won't be able to handle labor with the strength and grace I once thought I had.
I've mentioned potentially using pain medications during labor and Keegan reminds me of the natural delivery we've both been hoping for and looking forward to this entire pregnancy. He's been such a rock for me throughout the entire pregnancy and our labor scare gave me a preview of how amazing he'll be when the big day comes. I know that ultimately getting Breadcrumb here safe and sound is what is important, no matter if that's through a natural delivery or a c-section. It just saddens me a bit to think about giving up the labor we've been dreaming of.
I think this outpouring of emotions is due to a mix of pregnancy hormones, lack of sleep and just feeling overwhelmed.
I'm so lucky to have Keegan as my husband, and I know that no matter how Breadcrumb comes into this world, Keegan will be there by my side, encouraging and loving me. If we end up inducing on Monday, I will also most likely be lucky enough to have my mom at the birth of my son which will be absolutely amazing.
Keegan and I are going to "live it up" this weekend. One more movie, one more trip to the big city to stock up on supplies, one more nice dinner (for our anniversary!) before baby comes. One more weekend of just the two of us with the cats. Two more days of sleeping in, of lazing around the house.
One more weekend of being just a family of two...before the baby comes.