Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Word Vomit - Bringing Baby To Work

I was going to post my 6 week postpartum update today, but I feel like I need to get some things off my chest and maybe get some advice from you all.

Today was my first official day back to work. As many of you know, I work at an art gallery and am in charge of finding artists as well as hanging/taking down monthly exhibits. It's a small gallery, just me and 4 other coworkers.

My boss is awesome and is letting be bring Kieran to work up to a year, or until he's too much of a handful for me to get any work done. I am extremely thankful for this, but after today, I'm not sure if it's going to work.

Day to day, I don't really do much activity. I do a lot of work at my computer and that's pretty easy to handle with a little one. However, at the beginning of each month, we take down and hang a new exhibit which requires me to be away from my desk for hours at a time talking to the artist and hanging artwork. Today was one of those busy days and it was really difficult to juggle my work and my baby. Kieran still loves to be held and will only give me about 10 minutes of down time for me to get anything done. This is fine when we're at home; ten minutes is enough for me to do laundry or the dishes, but at work, it's not enough for me to get any substantial work done. Kieran also isn't a great napper, so pair that with a new environment for him and extra stimulus, means that he didn't nap all day.

I can't blame any of my inconvenience on him; he's a baby, and when we're at home, we don't really have a schedule, so I can't expect him to suddenly sleep when I need him to at work. But I'll admit, it makes things hard, harder than I thought. It doesn't help that I don't really have any space to put him. I share an "office" (I say office lightly because it's literally a closet...our supply closet) with another coworker and space is tight. The only places I can put Kieran are on me, in his stroller/car seat, or on my desk. He'll hang out in his car seat for a little while, but I feel like I need to use that sparingly so that he doesn't grow to hate it when we have 10+ hour car rides to visit family. Propping him up on a pillow on my desk works for now, but it's only a matter of time before he becomes too big to do that. I do have a Moby and an Ergo, but one, my back cannot take carrying an almost 10 pound baby for too long, and I don't feel comfortable hammering over his head.

I think my biggest problem is that I'm stressing myself out about him crying. Again, small workplace, and my office is right by the front desk where we interact with patrons. At home, his crying doesn't bother me because I know that it won't bother anyone, and I can try numerous things to try and calm him down. At work, however, I feel the need to calm him down as fast as possible so that I don't bother anyone, especially our patrons. He's a good baby and doesn't cry often unless he's hungry or wants to be held, but man that boy has a set of lungs when he wants to use them. I think my biggest fear is that he'll cry during an event and my boss will get complaints from patrons. I don't want to be the cause of stress or problems for anyone, and I want to continue my professional appearance. It also didn't help my confidence when during one of his crying spells, my coworker said under her breath, "so this is what our lives will be like now."

All of this is to say that today was stressful enough for me that I contacted a daycare to see if they had any openings. Before my boss offered to let me take Kieran to work, we had discussed putting him in this daycare, I just never got around to contacting them before. It's a church run daycare which I could care less about, but it gets great reviews from a lot of our friends and they have a school-like curriculum where kids (hopefully) learn to read by the time they leave for school.

During one of the times in which I couldn't console him, I thought to myself, "it would be so much easier if he was in daycare, I could get so much work done." And then I felt automatically guilty. Why would I send my son, this little boy who I love so very much, who I hoped for for years, to another person to raise him? Why would I pay someone else to care for my son? I don't want someone else to care for him, thinking about not seeing him for 9+ hours each day breaks my heart. But guys, it's hard. Having him at work is harder than I thought, and I don't want to get in trouble for not taking care of my responsibilities.

Deep in my heart, I think this is just a rough patch that we need to get through. The coworker that I share an office with is leaving in November and we're not getting a replacement until February at the earliest, so for those few months, I'll have the entire office to spread out in. I can bring in Kieran's pack and play which will give him a place to sleep as well as a confined place to play. Hopefully by then, he'll be more willing to be put down for longer periods of time which will allow me to get work done.

I just don't know what to do. Keeping him with me is the best of both worlds. I get to continue a job that I enjoy while also raising my son. However, I know that interactions with children will be good for him, but I'm wary about putting him in daycare when he can't communicate if something is wrong. Working doesn't allow me to go to any children's programs during the day, and while we do have friends who have twin girls right around Kieran's age, we only see them on the weekends and I'm not sure if that's often enough.

Basically a lot of thoughts are running through my head and I don't know how to begin to sort them out. I know that my emotions are heightened right now due to stress and that things will look better in the morning. I was so frustrated today that I was sure I was going to enroll him in daycare, but then he stopped crying, looked at me and gave me the biggest smile and my heart melted. I don't think I could ever let someone else take care of my son.

If you've read all of this word vomit, thank you. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

11 comments:

  1. I have not worked full-time since before I had kids (we sacrifice a lot so I can work part-time), so I hardly feel that I can offer advice. But I will say this: it took me a long time to be comfortable at work. My heart was in two places. I struggled with the guilt of not being with my baby, but also felt bad (sometimes) for looking forward to going to work.
    I can understand how you are conflicted.
    Maybe it would be a good idea to see how the rest of the week goes. It's a time of adjustment for both you and Kieran, as well as your coworkers. Also, what does your husband say?
    No matter what you decide, you are still Kieran' s mom. And no matter how much or little you work outside your own home, nothing changes that.

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    1. Thank you for your sweet words. My husband is very supportive about whatever I choose to do. We're lucky in the fact that we don't need me to work, but unfortunately I already signed a year contract with my job which I can't back out of. I just need to get through November 2015 and then we can decide if I'm going to work full time, part time, or stay at home.

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  2. Wow that is a challenge. First of all, I agree with Shelley that it might be good to give it a week or so to see if things might settle down. The first day of a huge change is hardly indicative of how it will go every day. Perhaps he will adjust, you could be amazed! Aside from that, as nice as the opportunity to have him with you is, if you don't feel like it's working out, don't feel guilty at looking into daycare. There are some great ones out there. Just because you have the opportunity to keep him at work with you doesn't mean it's automatically going to be the best option for you.

    I'm sure this time is overwhelming. Take some time to adjust and consider all of your options. I hope the answer becomes clear to you when the time is right!

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  3. I'm so sorry the first day was stressful for you! My boss jokingly said I should bring E to work, but it would never work at my job. It would also never work with E. I tried working from home while caring for her and never got anything done. It's tough-- I wanted to be with her, needed to work, but hated "ignoring" her while trying to get work done. For me, working part-time is ideal. But I started off FT and went through months of missing her & being away for 9 hours a day. Going down to PT was such a relief and the pace of my days is in much better balance.
    I'd give it more time to see how it goes. He also needs to get used to the new surroundings and schedule. Some crying will happen, so maybe discuss that with your boss. Are your coworkers supportive, in general, of this, or are they going to make you feel guilty all the time? That would make for a bad work environment.
    E goes to daycare when I work. I don't love it, but she is happy there. She loves playing with (watching) the other kids, likes all the toys they have to play with, and gets a lot of social interaction there. I really think going a couple of days a week is better for her than just being with me 100% of the time. If you can afford it, my personal suggestion would be to send him a couple of days a week to daycare. You can get more work done those days, but won't miss out on being with him everyday. A lot of daycares don't accept part-time kids though. Maybe a home daycare?
    It's a hard decision, but I think Kieran will be happy and well-adjusted either way.

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    1. 3 our of 4 of my coworkers are supportive. The fourth one is leaving in November, so I'm not too worried about what she thinks. I think my ideal situation would be to work M/W/F with him in daycare and then have him at home with me T/Th (or something along those lines.) I know that social interaction with kids is so important, and we've found a great daycare that everyone raves about. I just feel guilty leaving him when he's a baby, I know I'll be much more relaxed about it when he's older and can tell me if something has happened.

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  4. If you lived here I would quit my job and take him for you! Then when Fetus becomes Baby, they would socialize together! And we could take trips to visit you at work. I know, I'm extremely unhelpful. I think you're doing everything you can and your coworker needs to lay off. Disagreeing with you having a baby at work is one thing, but snide comments are completely uncalled for. So rude. I wish I had advice but really I think you'll figure it out. Maybe you could schedule hanging day to be a daycare day? Lots of them do backup/drop-in care for kids who don't go regularly. Wishing you luck.

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  5. it'll definitely be hard to bring him to work for up to a year. i worry already for you for when he starts crawling and is mobile! do you wear him at all? does he like that?! maybe hell be worn for longer periods of time and fall asleep?!

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    1. I do wear him and he loves it, he normally falls asleep. Only problem is I con't feel comfortable swinging a hammer over his head! It definitely works for more "normal" days at work when I'm at my computer all day.

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  6. Oh this is so tough! Once Paloma reached 10 weeks, she was able to be put down for longer periods of time without crying and I'm sure the same will be true for Kieran. How nice of your boss to allow you to bring the baby to work with you! Even if you do use a daycare at least you know you have the option to bring him if you have to.

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    1. I've already noticed how he's more tolerable at being put down now than when he was younger so I'm sure it'll only get better from here. Hopefully once my coworker leaves who I share an office with, I can bring in a blanket to put on the floor, he'll be old enough to give me a long stretch of time playing by himself.

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  7. What a stressful first day back. Transitions are SO tough. Hang in there mama!

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