How Do You Decide When To Go Further With Treatment? - A Guest Post From Teresa

While I'm gone, I'm going to have some lovely ladies guest blogging for me. Leave them lots of love in the comments below and check out their blogs! 

Below is a post from Teresa at Where The *Bleep* Is Our Stork? Teresa is has been one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders since starting this TTC journey. She's an amazing woman and writer and I'm thrilled to have found her blog and her friendship. 

I never really thought too much about kids before I met my husband. But, once I knew I wasn't going to be able to walk away from him, and once I knew marriage was in our future the deep desire for kids came. I knew he wanted to be a dad, he always told me that he wanted to adopt at least one child in his life.  Three years ago I had no clue what infertility really was, I thought is meant that you were sterile. No sperm. No eggs. I never knew there was so much more to it. I never even knew I had PCOS. I thought I was just lucky enough to have missing periods. Ha! So, I meet this great guy, decide to build a future and family with him; only to find out that I am infertile. I feel like I robbed my husband of his dreams. It breaks my heart. 

I hurt a little every time I see a pregnant woman, a baby, a father and child. It kills me to know that I am unable to give my husband that gift. It hurts to know that my husband may never hear the words "I love you daddy" or feel those little hands grab a hold of his fingers and hold on tight. It hurts to know that we may never experience that sort of love.

But, let's forget about the mommy/daddy club for just a minute; I am not sure we will ever make it to the IVF club! I have this uneasiness when it comes to IVF and I think a big part of that is the money. I know he wants to do IVF and I know we have to resort to that if we really want a chance at getting pregnant. But, I am so scared that if my body fails me, as it has time and time before, that I will feel responsible, and I will hate myself for making us spend all that money only to have another cycle fail; a really expensive cycle fail. It is wrong, I know.

Both, my mom and my husband have told me that I can't carry the burden of failure with me. I can't blame myself for any of this. However, I find that so much easier said than done. The reason we can't get pregnant isn't because he has poor sperm or no sperm or that he is in bad health; it is because I have biological problems. My body is not doing it's job. We are not creating embryos together (so far).

IVF is an expensive procedure that does not come with any guarantees. I have never been one to gamble and infertility treatments are just that; a gamble. And so far we are losing.   IVF may be the magic procedure that gets me pregnant- but, it can't keep me pregnant. 

I need to know that we did all we could do to try and have our own baby; if we don't do IVF, I will look back a regret it. But, I also believe that you have to be in the right mind set for things to work out. I need to be really ready and confident in myself , my body and my doctor, before I make that leap. 

I also don't want to feel like I care more about money than having a family. My biggest fear is that others who have been in my shoes will think that I am not ready or that I don't want a family as bad as I should if I put money before my child to be. I don't want to feel like I am selfish.  

How do you decide when to go further with treatment? 

Punday with Tasha from Forzen OJ

While I'm gone, I'm going to have some lovely ladies guest blogging for me. Leave them lots of love in the comments below and check out their blogs! 

I've loved Tasha's Punday posts since I started following her blog; they're a great way to start off my work week. Tasha also sells infertility bracelets on her Etsy site, go check them out!

Hello lovelies! This is Tasha from Frozen OJ. Every Monday I try to brighten up the beginning of the workweek by posting 10 puns for Punday. I'm super excited Aislinn has allowed me to share Punday with you this week while she is away!

Thank You and an Update

First of all I want to say thank you for all of the sweet comments on my post yesterday.

Unfortunately, I'm so sad to say that Chad's body was found today. He was found in a construction zone just two miles away from where hundreds of people were searching for four days.

I found out the news while on our drive up to see my family in Missouri before we leave for our vacation to Canada. Keegan was in his favorite Chinese restaurant getting lunch and came out to find me sobbing in the passenger seat of the car.

I cried for rest of the drive. A few tears have fallen throughout the day as friends and family post pictures and memories of what an amazing man Chad was.

He was a youth pastor. He was one of the first volunteers to go to Joplin after the tornado hit in 2011. He was one of the most selfless and generous men I've ever met. Even though his exterior look of tattoos and stretched ears made him look tough, his heart was made of gold.

He leaves behind a wife and a 13 month old son. His son will never remember his father.

I told Keegan that this entire thing would have been "easier" if Chad had been killed in a car accident. The fact that his friends, family and community held out hope since Monday made the horrible news even harder to take.

What breaks my heart the most is that the search crews were only two miles away from where he was found. As of right now, we don't know if he was there the entire time, or if his body was left there last night, but to think that he could have been slowly dying, hearing the calls of his loved ones just a few steps away hurts my heart. For his sake, I hope that whatever happened to him was quick and painless. To think that he was in pain and scared makes me feel sick.

I hope that the police figure out what happened. What little information we have just doesn't add up. I can't believe that someone could be so cruel and heartless. It's not supposed to happen to the good guys. Chad was one of the good guys.

I'm sorry that my last few posts have been so negative and sad. I just never thought that something like this would happen to me, to a friend of mine, as cliche as that sounds.

Chad was a man of strong faith. I hope that helps the pain his family is feeling.

Good Thoughts Needed

I know this isn't infertility related, but it's important. Remember that friend who I said had disappeared Monday night in my Letter To The Universe post? Well, after three days, he still hasn't been found. 

He went for a run around 8:30 Monday night in Liberty, Missouri and never came home. His dad went out that night searching for him, and since Tuesday morning, the police and hundreds of volunteers have been searching. The K9 units find his scent, but then it mysteriously disappears. He has a wife and a 13 month old son who are missing him dearly. I know not many of you are from this area, so I'm just asking for prayers, good thoughts, whatever it is that you do, to be sent out into the universe.

If you're from that area and are wanting to help, you can contact the Bring Chad Rogers Home facebook page. 

Guys, I feel so guilty about going on vacation when this is happening. I would drive up to Missouri to help in a heartbeat, but our plane tickets were purchased with my grandpa's air miles and they cannot be changed or returned. I am so torn about having Keegan meet my grandparents for perhaps the only time and just calling the entire thing off and going up to KC to help search for Chad. Is it selfish of me to fly off and have fun with my family while another family is hurting? 

Chad is an amazing guy, and I can't imagine anything happening to him.  

What Makes A Baby?

Today, I was reading past posts from the blog, babyandthegeeks, and came upon her post, Confession. Near the end of the post, there is information about the book, What Makes A Baby. I clicked onto the link and was thrilled with what I saw.

What Makes A Baby is children's book written by Cory Silverberg and illustrated by Fiona Smyth. The book is a tool for parents to help educate their children when they ask the dreaded question "where do babies come from?" This book doesn't skirt around the topic with the typical, "when two people fall in love..." scenario. This book is special. Cory, a sex educator, realized that not all babies are made between a man and a women in a bed, so he wanted to write a book about babies that are made through assisted reproduction (including IVF, donor eggs/sperm,) adoption, LGBT families, and more.

I have not purchased or read this book, but it will be one of my first purchases once our child comes into this world. I think that it's important for children to have books and toys that represent them, whether that be a book about how they were conceived through ART, or a baby doll that has mixed nationality. I think that it's surprising with all of the cultures and families that make up this world, that so many of the books and toys for children use the blond hair, blue eyed child with a mom and a dad that live in a house with a white fence and a puppy. It's said that so many children do not have toys that represent them and their families.

If my some-day child ever asks about where he/she came from, I want to be honest with them. No matter if they're adopted, or conceived through IVF, I think it's important for my husband and I to convey how hard we fought for them, how much they are wanted, and how much we love them. I think that this book could be an amazing tool to help us do just that. I want to stress to my child from an early age that there are many different families in this world, and just because a family is different from ours, doesn't mean that they should be treated any differently. This book could help us explain how our child came to be, and could also clear up any questions our child has about their friend who is adopted or who has bi-racial parents.

So, when your child asks the "where do babies come from?" question, what are you going to say? Are you going to explain how they were conceived from an early age? Tell them small bits of information as they get older? Of course, this is a very personal decision, but I'm interested to see what your thoughts about this are.

A Letter To The Universe

Dear Universe,

I was going to write a letter to you about how I'm ovulating today and how it would be so cool to conceive my first child on my 24th birthday.

However, as you so often do, you showed me that things could always be worse.

In the few hours I've been awake, I learned that the husband of a dear friend has brain cancer and has a one shot chance of pulling through.

I also learned that my old manager, and friend, mysteriously disappeared while on his evening run last night.

So, Universe, while I would absolutely love to conceive on my birthday, I would much rather you focus your efforts on my two friends. They need all the good that's floating around to be pinpointed at them so that they can get through these difficult times in their lives. Even though I feel like I've been waiting so long, I can wait a little while longer.

I'm not a religious or praying person, so I'm just going to send my good thoughts your way. Hopefully you'll get them and pass them onto my friends.

Keep them safe,
Aislinn

July ICLW

If you're here from July's ICLW, then welcome! If you're here from Stirrup Queens' blog roundup, then welcome as well. Thank you for taking the time to read my little slice of the interwebs.

I'm an almost 24 year old Canadian living in Mississippi. My husband, Keegan, and I have been married for almost a year and together for almost 4. We live in Mississippi due to Keegan's job, but we both grew up in Missouri and we're hoping to move back one day. We have a young cat named Mika that loves to bite our toes while we're sleeping and play fetch. If you'd like to learn more about me, read some of my posts from June. I participated in the June Blogging Challenge hosted by Waiting for Baby and posted about topics ranging from my dream labor to my advice for the "newbies." My husband even did a guest post on adoption.

If you're new here, let me catch you up on our baby makin' journey:

• Married August 4, 2012
• Went off the birth control in April-ish 2012, had missing periods until October 2012. Many pregnancy tests proved I was not pregnant.
• September 4, 2012 - doctors appointment with my local OB-GYN, diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance
• September 2012 - January 2013 - not trying, not preventing. Used Metformin and diet changes to try and get my body healthy enough for pregnancy
• January 2013 - first official cycle trying to conceive 
• January - present: 
• 7 cycles
• 30 pounds lost
• Ovulation days shifted from CD18-21 to CD14 or 15 (except for, of course, this cycle...)
• HSG preformed 6/17 
• many, many negative pregnancy tests. 

If you want more details, the "Our Journey" tab above has all the details.

We're currently in the middle of our seventh cycle, waiting for ovulation which hopefully will happen before we leave for our vacation in a few days.

Again, thank you for stopping by. I hope that you'll decide to stay awhile and follow our journey of changing baby makin', to baby made.

Infertile? Don't Work At An Art Gallery.

I haven't written much about my job here, mostly because of internet creeps, but also because I somewhat work for the government and I don't think they'd be pleased having their name associated with my lady bits.

For the purpose of this story, I work at an art gallery in small town Mississippi. I've been here about two and a half years and I love most parts of my job. Like any job there are ups and downs, but mostly I'm proud to have found a job that uses my art degree (take that nay-sayers who told me getting a fine art degree would lead me to living in a cardboard box!)

During the summer months, we, like many organizations around town, have summer camps for children. We have two camps, one for the older kids, and one for the younger ones. The older kids I was able to handle with ease, mostly because they're at the stage where they think they know everything and you're just a lame adult that they have to listen to.

However, the little kids, they kill me. While they're not the sweet squishy babies I yearn for, they still make me question what my future life will be like. Will I ever bring my child to a summer camp while also carrying their younger sibling, hair in a messy mom-do, barely making it on time? Will Keegan eventually be that dad rushing in from work, just seconds before the performance starts, slipping quietly into the back row? Will I ever be able to tell my child to "make something pretty!" when I drop them off and see their excited faces when they bound up the stairs at pick up time with their project from the day?

So many of the parents I see dropping off their child seem so rushed, so stressed, so ready to leave their child for the day while they go off to work. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to say that parenting is easy. I'm sure if/when I have a child, I will one day be rushing to drop them off at school, trying to be at my desk before 9:00 hits. I just wish that I could slow them down, tell them how lucky they are and wish that they would stop for just a second and realize what a blessing their paint covered child is.

As I write this at my desk, there is a young girl behind me, lying on a bench from the gallery because her tummy hurts. She's sniffling because she's been crying for her mommy and all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and tell her that it'll be ok. Her big brown eyes keep stealing glances at me, and I give her a small smile to try and make her feel better. She doesn't know, however, that I'm crying inside, wondering if I'll ever have a little girl like her.

WARNING: TMI Post Ahead

So, after some convincing on my last post, I've decided to post an awesomely embarrassing, yet funny, TMI story. I will warn you. Although the story is funny, it's kind of gross, so any of you ladies dealing with morning sickness might want to skip. I won't blame you.

Ever since moving into our house, my hubby and I have taken to showering together. It saves money, and sometimes they turn more into the getting dirty variety instead of the getting clean variety if you know what I mean. But in all seriousness, we have some of our best conversations in the shower, probably because I can ask those hard-hitting questions while he's shampooing and can't run away.

Anyways, on Sunday night, the first full day of Aunt Flo's visit, Keegan and I decided to hop in the shower before heading off to bed. We're talking and soaping up when all of a sudden, I feel a clot slide down my leg and under my foot. Unfortunately I do clot a lot when on my period so I wasn't worried, but this one was huge!

I look up at Keegan in horror, but he hasn't noticed anything, thank goodness. I try and push the clot towards the drain to hide the evidence, but it just wouldn't go away! Thankfully Keegan was done with his shower and needed to hop out and shave, so I kindly pushed him out suggested he go do just that.

So, the moral of the story? No more sexy showers while Aunt Flo is in town.

Just A Few Notes

1. I'm guest posting today over at Kimberly's blog, No Good Eggs while she's vacationing in Asia. Go see how infertility has changed my views on my body. 
2. I know this has been all over the blogsphere lately, but Zulily has had some great sales these last few days. I'm a huge sales shopper, and even though we're not pregnant, I just purchased an Ergobaby carrier for $71 (including shipping), which was originally $135. Even if we don't use it, I'm sure we can find a friend to give it to. Zulily also has Toms on sale right now for women, men and babies. 
3. My Aunt Flo is seeing her way out the door, so let the sexy times begin! This cycle could potentially hit so many important dates that it's making me more anxious than usual. I mean, ovulation on my birthday and finding out the news on our anniversary must be some kind of sign, right? 
4. I'm still looking for a couple of ladies to guest post on my blog while we're vacationing in Canada at the end of July. If you're interested, go to this post and leave me a comment! 
5. I'm sorry that posting has been sparse lately and not very thought provoking. There's not much to say while waiting for my Aunt to see herself out. I do have a funny TMI post that I've been thinking of sharing, but I'm not sure how well it would be received. So, I'm going to leave it up to you ladies! If you'd like to hear an embarrassingly funny, although TMI, story, let me know! 

Cycle 6: Another Negative

So, in case it wasn't evident in my letter to the Applebees waitress, this cycle was a bust.

On the fourth, I thought I saw a second line, so I went outside where Keegan was washing his car and asked him. He looked at the test, looked at me and asked, "Is this real?!" He saw the line as well but didn't want to get excited until subsequent tests showed darker lines. Unfortunately, none of them did. I had a harder time with seeing the negative tests than I thought I would. I think that since I knew that the cycle after an HSG had increased chances, I had more hope.

When my temperature started to plummet on Friday the fifth, I knew this cycle was another no-go. I started spotting on Saturday and had a full blown flow on Sunday. I hate letting the emotions of another failed cycle get to me, but I'll admit I wasn't the greatest person to be around this weekend. I was in a funk that I just couldn't pull myself out of. Thankfully I'm feeling better now and am ready to tackle another cycle.

On Sunday when I added my temperature, Fertility Friend gave me the calendar below:

Um what? Five days of ovulation? Either Fertility Friend is confused because my ovulation days have moved from CD 18-21 to CD 14/15, and is just trying to cover all of its bases, or it had way too much coffee that morning.

When I added my temperature this morning, I still have 5 days of predicted ovulation, but it has shifted from starting on July 23 to July 21. Assuming I'll be ovulating around CD 14/15 like I have been lately, I'll be in my two week wait during my vacation and I'll either start my period or find out I'm pregnant around our first year anniversary. What an anniversary present we could potentially get.

Dear Applebees Waitress,

Dear waitress at Applebees,

I won't blame you for seating us at the table across from the adorable six month old baby girl who was sitting on her parent's table, cooing and babbling away; that was totally the hostess's fault.

However, I do have a bone to pick with you. Here I am, trying to ignore the fact that I started spotting after yet another failed cycle by stuffing my face with Coke and your delicious boneless wings, but that proved hard to do when every time you stopped by our table, you decided to talk in a high cutesy voice to the baby across the way. Yes, I realize she's cute, (her bib even says so!) I didn't need to be reminded every five minutes. Her parents were doing a fine job entertaining her, they really didn't need you to stop by and play with the baby while the rest of your customers were waiting on their food.

Next time, how about you focus on serving us our food instead of the baby that makes my uterus hurt with every smile she sends my way (oh wait, maybe that was the cramps.)

Be thankful my husband is a nice guy and left you a good tip,
Aislinn

P.S. The way you fill up my drink annoys me. How difficult is it to take my cup away and fill it up instead of dirtying another one by using it to fill up my drink? They have these things called pitchers which do just that.

Guest Bloggers Wanted!

Well would you look at that! My 100th post!

Keegan and I will be going on vacation to Canada the last week of July and I would love to have some guest bloggers on my little slice of the internet while I'm gone. If a few of you would like to volunteer to write a guest post for me, that would be awesome! That way, I don't have to hunt you down and guilt trip you into doing it anyways...not that I'd do that.

The post doesn't have to be long, and it doesn't have to be infertility related. If you'd like to write about a new book you're reading, your favorite movie of the summer, or how cute your dog is, that's perfectly fine with me. Of course infertility related posts are always welcome.

If you'd like to be a guest blogger on Baby Makin', just leave a comment below and I'll send you the details.

Thank you all so much for reading and being my biggest source of inspiration and hope on this journey.