Monday, September 9, 2013

I Dreamed Of You

Last Thursday, I had a dream.

I had a dream that I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. I felt everything, contractions and all. It was one of those dreams that just felt so real, you know?

In the early morning light, we swaddled baby girl in a deep magenta blanket and placed a pink hat on her head. We were debating having her middle name be Charlie. In my dream, I laid her little swaddled body down and went to sleep myself, exhausted, but extatic.

I woke up from the dream and reached over to make sure my baby girl was breathing, it was just that real. Instead of feeling her little chest rise and fall, I felt the fur of my cat curled up beside me.

And I started to cry.

Not because the dream was scary or I regretted having it, but because reality is scary. Not knowing if I'll ever have a little body to swaddle. Not knowing if Keegan and I will ever discuss names. Not knowing the worry of being a parent and waking up many times a night to make sure my little one is still breathing.

The not knowing is what scares me the most. If someone could tell me that in X amount of months or years, we'd be pregnant, then it would be easier to face the failed cycles month after month. But, no one can tell me, and that's what scares me.

13 comments:

  1. I've often asked where my future fairy was, but she's never showed up. Hugs to you.

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    1. Thank you <3 Someone needs to find those future fairies and hand them out!

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  2. Those are the CRUELEST dreams. I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that. I remember the dreams I had before having my daughter. It was so painful and I would physically grieve those babies in my dreams.

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    1. I think that's why I've been in a funk lately, I'm grieving that little girl. Maybe not her specifically, but the idea of her.

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  3. I used to have dreams about motherhood. They broke my heart. I would wake up crying and be inconsolable for hours. As much as I miss being in some of those dreams, I can't miss them because the waking was so cruel. I have no advice, no fix. I just hope you're okay.

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    1. Thank you <3 The dreams are lovely, but waking up is horrible.

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  4. Awwwww. I'm sorry. It's such a struggle. And sometimes dreams don't help.

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  5. If we had a crystal ball all of this would be a lot easier... so sorry you are on this path... xo

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    1. Seriously, whoever is hiding the future fairies and crystal balls needs to give them up already!

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  6. I still have dreams about giving birth/being pregnant, and we aren't even trying to do that anymore. It IS cruel as another commenter said. I try to change my view and look at them as hopeful...you WILL get to experience it in real life, and the dreams are hopefully just previews!

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  7. Hugs for you, girlie. I've had a dream like that before and waking up to find out it wasn't real was AWFUL! I completely agree this whole thing would be so much easier if we could just know one day we will get our take home babies. I hope it is a better sign for you and you get your little girl (or boy) soon. <3

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