Sunday, May 5, 2013

Fears Plus Some Hope

So, as I said in my last post, this weekend there was a festival in the city that we're currently living in. Unfortunately it rained all Friday so the festival was canceled that day, but Saturday was sunny and a cool 60-70 degrees. It was a long day, but running around doing five different things at once made the day go by faster.

The only problem with having thousands of people in a three block radius? There were pregnant women and families everywhere. There was honestly no place to get away from them. Now, let me say something. I'm proud of myself that I've never felt bitter or resentful towards women who are pregnant (not saying that there's anything wrong with that, it's just not how I deal with things.) I won't lie, seeing pregnant women or women with young babies makes me extremely sad, but I'm never angry at them. I feel like I can't judge them because I don't know their story. I don't know if they've had a loss or have dealt with infertility. I don't know if that teenage mother gave up a scholarship to college to take care of her child. I don't know, so I can't judge.

However, this weekend was hard. Everywhere I looked, I was confronted with what I currently don't have, and may never achieve. In my head was a running thought, not of "why her and not me?" but, "will I ever get what she has?"

Will I ever see my child riding on their Daddy's shoulders?

Will I ever have to navigate through a large crowd with a stroller?

Will I ever see my child dancing to the live music?

Will I ever see my daughter dancing on stage with her dance team or my son talking about his Boy Scout troop?

Will I ever get any of these things? That's my true fear.

That being said, I have some hope about this cycle. I've always had hope that someday, somehow, I'll be a parent, but this is the first cycle that I felt like this could be the one, and that scares me. I'm afraid of being let down. Of getting my hopes up and having them crushed. I've always kept my heart guarded, but this time, a little bit of hope has snuck through.

I'm only 5 dpo, so take these "symptoms" with that in mind:

I've been crazy emotional lately. Last night, I had a break down in front of Keegan and cried for an hour straight. Today, I was trying to put my contacts in, but kept dropping them in the sink. After the fourth time, I just started crying because I was so frustrated.

I've been peeing like crazy, but that could be because I've been drinking a lot more, especially with all the running around I was doing yesterday.

I've noticed a lot of cramping in the area where my left ovary is. Now, around ovulation, I notice twinges and pulls, similar to what I'm feeling now, but these pains are more frequent and more painful. I haven't been able to talk through a few of them.

I'm really bloated, which is great (sarcasm,) because I'm going to be in a professional conference tomorrow and Tuesday and have to dress all business like when all I want to wear are my PJs.

So, while I can explain all of these symptoms away, they also give me hope. Hope is what keeps me going in our trying to conceive journey, but I'm also scared of getting hurt. Ladies who are/have been pregnant, how early did you test and get a positive? I know that everyone is different, but I don't know if I can hold out until next week without testing.


  1. i am so annoyed my million attempts to comment from my bloglovin app didnt work.
    i am so sorry you had to question these things over the weekend. and experience these feelings. i wish i could take them away, i really really do. they weigh so heavy on our hearts and some days can be hard.
    if you test early, know that it change in a flash. and that you are testing early. its a hard decision to make. for the cycle of my bfp, i got 3 negatives before the positive. i remember 9dpo going bat shit crazy and breaking down. i truly bawled and whined all night about never getting pregnant. i lost all my marbles. and the next day. new answers. im cheering you on girlfriend. you deserve the best. whenever it will come... it will come. xo

  2. I do have some "why her and not me" thoughts occasionally, but that's mostly when it comes to people I know. Usually like you it's "will I ever get what she has?" I actually feel sadder thinking that than I do the other. I'm sorry you had to be surrounded by pregnant women and families so much, I hope you had a good time anyway.

    I got my first super faint positive at 10 dpo but not an obvious line for a few more days. Of course the day I got my obvious bfp was the same day I started bleeding. With testing early sometimes comes heartbreak you wouldn't have had if you just waited but I'm glad I did it. Some people though prefer not to know. Also like Sarah said, just because you get a negative early doesn't mean you won't get a positive a few days later so don't give up hope!

  3. We watched "What to Expect When You Are Expecting" last night.... my DH was like "You are really going to watch this?" I made it through... but man, it is hard to see babies every where, dad's holding them, mom's nursing them... I am ready, so ready for my bundle!

  4. First of all, I hope that this is your cycle!!! I'm crossing everything for you. I got my first positive test both times at 9dpo, but I kind of tested then knowing that it was early enough that if I got a negative, I still had hope. With the twins, I waited until 11dpo to test again, and it was clearly positive on both a FRER and a digital. This time, I was testing straight through, so I got my FRER and digital BFP on 10dpo. Good luck with whatever you choose--just know that if you test early and don't see what you want, it might just be too soon =)

    In terms of the pregnant/baby thing...I was like you, I was less "why her and not me" and more "will that ever be me?" I loved hearing success stories, even stories from people who hadn't dealt with IF, because I loved/love hearing about pregnancy/babies in general. That said, it did get hard at times. I'm thinking of you and sending lots of baby dust your way!