Thursday, May 9, 2013

Losing Hope

I've tested the night of 7 dpo, (Tuesday night,) and the mornings of 8 dpo and 9 dpo (Wednesday and Thursday.) They were all negative.

Now, I know that it's still early. I know that these negatives could turn into positives in a few days. I know all of these things, but my hope is still slipping away.

If this cycle works, it would almost be too perfect. Keegan's cousin is visiting us next weekend, and she's been one of my biggest supporters, so I would be thriled to tell her in person. Memorial day is coming up which means that we could potentially go back to Missouri and tell Keegan's parents. My parents are considering coming down to Mississippi the first week of June, so we would be able to tell them in person. When we moved so far away from family and friends, I accepted the idea that we would have to spread the news over Skype, email and text messages. However, I feel like the chance of seeing the three most important parties all within a month of each other is just too perfect.  

I was so sure this cycle would work, but now I think that I just had more hope this cycle. We still haven't heard the results from Keegan's SA, and we probably won't until my next appointment on the 16th. I'm just so scared that something is wrong with him and we'll be dealing with both male and female factor infertility. I'm scared that my doctor will tell us that only IUI or IVF will work for us. I'm scared of the financial aspect of it all. I was so hopeful that this cycle would work so that we wouldn't have to talk about IUIs or IVF. We'd be one of those success stories that magically got pregnant right before having to move onto the "big guns."

Keegan and I talked about it last night and he surprised me by saying he'd be ok with moving onto an IUI if it comes down to that. I figured he would want to wait a few more cycles, but he said he was ready to move on. His only request was that we schedule it a month or two out so that he could tell his boss that he'd be out for a day. I reminded him that we really don't have a say in when an IUI happens, it really depends on when my body decides to ovulate. He'd probably have 24 or 36 hours at the most to request time off. Sometimes I forget how little he knows about the whole process.

So, that's where we are currently. I still have some symptoms, but I can mostly explain them away:

- Nausea: I was so nauseous the last day of the conference I was at (Tuesday.) I only ate a few pieces of fruit for breakfast, some mashed potatoes for lunch, and a few pieces of pizza for dinner once I got back home. Wednesday, I woke up feeling fine, but got nauseous closer to bed time.

- Sore boobs. I noticed last night that my boobs are pretty tender, but I also get that around the time of my period arriving.

- Still bloated like a whale, but that also happens near the onset of my period.

- During the conference, I was peeing like every hour and a half, but that could be because they kept giving us bottles of water.

So, if you have some good thoughts that you could send our way, I'd very much appreciate it. I'd love to have a surprise BFP over the weekend and have my appointment on the 16th turn into my first prenatal appointment. Unlikely, but a girl can hope, right?


  1. Not unlikely!!! Sending good thoughts your way!

  2. it is so weird that the SA results havent been mentioned to you yet.
    keep your hope hunnie. dont let anyone strip you of that.
    so glad to see keegan is supportive and willing to move forward.
    sending all my love hugs baby dust and good thoughts to YOU.

  3. Even though I KNEW I wouldn't get positives until 15-16dpo, I STILL dollar store pee tested my brains out from like...... 2dpo on, crazy, I know. You are so not alone with testing early.