We're Public Once Again

If you're wondering where I've been these last few weeks, I made my blog private because I didn't want my family to find out that I'm pregnant before we were ready to tell them. Apparently my posts weren't showing up on BlogLovin', Feedly, or RSS, so unless you read posts through Google's reader, you've probably missed the majority of what's happened this past month. You can read about how we found out here, as well as read about baby Bread Crumb's heartbeat here.

My parents and one of my sisters came down for Christmas, so we were able to tell them in person on Christmas Eve with wrapped onesies.  There were tears all around and my mom's reaction is something that I will remember forever.

Earlier in the month, we had taken a leap of faith and sent Keegan's parents and brother onesies to open on Christmas Day. We told Keegan's brother that we wanted to Skype with the family when they opened the presents so we could see their reactions, but there was some miscommunication. We knew our plan had failed when his mom texted us "Congratulations. When can we tell people?"

I was actually really disappointed that we weren't able to see their reactions. I know that I'm lucky to have any news to share at all, but when you dream for years about how you're going to tell your families and that plan doesn't work out the way you hoped, it's hard. We've also called both sets of grandparents which means the news has spread to aunts and uncles by now.

Now that we've told our families and a handful of close friends, I feel like it's ok to make my blog public again. We're not going to announce the news on Facebook yet, but if a rogue friend finds out from my blog, I'm fine with that.

I haven't found an OB or midwife yet; my family just left on Friday so I haven't had the time to do any research. We still have a tentative appointment with our RE for January 6, but Keegan can't come, so I'm not sure if I want to drive the 2.5 hours for a 10 minute appointment alone. If I do find an OB/midwife before then and they can't get me in before the 6th, then I'll most likely make the drive. I found out this week that my mom lost two babies in between myself and my middle sister at 8 weeks after they had seen a heartbeat, so I'm very anxious to see Bread Crumb again.

I'm going to start doing weekly updates soon (I'll be eight weeks Tuesday.) We've been taking pictures, but I haven't had the energy to upload them. For most of the pregnancy I've been super nauseous with some major food aversions, and I've lost about five pounds. I've only thrown up once (the night of Keegan's birthday dinner,) but I'm so nauseous that I have to force myself to eat. I have a prescription for Zofran, but I've only taken it once; I'm really trying to go through this pregnancy with as little medication as possible.

I was to thank you all again for continuing to follow my journey. I've been having some emotions about feeling like I don't fit in to either the infertility community or the pregnancy community. I have very few "real life" friends that are pregnant, and the few that are didn't have to fight for it, so they don't understand my worry and cautiousness. On the flip side, however, I'm very conscious of the fact that I could be hurting someone in this community whenever I post about my pregnancy which is something I don't want to do. As much as I'm thankful to be in this place, it's a hard place to be and I'm not sure where I fit. I love you all and still need your support, but I understand how hard that can be.

Bread Crumb's Heartbeat

Today Keegan and I got up at 5 am to drive the two and a half hours to Birmingham to see Bread Crumb's heartbeat.

I was so sick on the drive over; a mix of nerves, no sleep, and pregnancy sickness suggested that I bring along a bag to be sick in as well as an extra shirt, just in case. Thankfully I didn't need to use either, but the drive was rough.

We got to our RE's office early, and they took us back to the room immediately. The nurse asked what cycle day I was on, and I admitted that I had no idea, that this was a pregnancy scan and I didn't think to look at my cycle days. She got all excited and hugged me, exclaiming that she didn't realize we were pregnant. So far, I think she's been the most excited about our pregnancy!

Our RE then came in and we made small talk while she got the ultrasound probe ready. As she inserted the wand, I held my breath hoping to see a heartbeat. At first my uterus looked empty, but she quickly found the gestational sack and our little Bread Crumb.

After taking measurements that ranged from 6 weeks 1 day, to 6 weeks 4 days, our RE found the heartbeat. It was the coolest thing, seeing these flickering pixels on the screen that seemed to take over the baby's entire body. We tried to hear the heartbeat, but unfortunately it was an older machine, so it wasn't able to capture it. Dr. M said that she wasn't worried that we couldn't hear the heartbeat, that she could tell from the flickering that it was normal, and we'd be able to hear it at our next ultrasound.

I asked if it was ok that the baby was measuring a few days behind, and Dr. M said that as long as we were within a week range (I'm supposed to be 7 weeks tomorrow,) than she's not worried. We have a tentative appointment on January 6 for another ultrasound, but we're not sure if we'll drive the 2.5 hours for another 10 minute appointment, or if we'll just make one with our OB.

Speaking of OBs, I don't think I'm going to go back to Dr. B, the OB who treated us for a year and a half before we moved onto our RE. He's not a bad doctor in any way, I just think he was just getting frustrated with us not getting pregnant, which made our appointments and his patience short. Near the end of our relationship, he left a bad taste so I don't think I want him to deliver my child.

There are other doctors in the practice, all of whom have amazing reviews from ladies I know in real life, and I love the other staff there (the nurses, ultrasound tech, etc.,) so that's definitely an option. However, I've always wanted to go with a midwifery program when I managed to get pregnant, but I'm not sure if there's a practice near our small town. I'm going to have to do some research, and if there's not a midwifery program within an hour's drive, then I'll just have to go back to my old OB's practice.

Here's our Bread Crumb! The white arrow placed by my RE is pointing at the baby, while the red arrow, placed by me, is pointing at the yolk sack. S/he's just a blob, but a very very cute blob, if I do say so myself.

A Letter To Our Bread Crumb

My little Bread Crumb,

We are just hours away from driving to Birmingham to hopefully see your heartbeat. To say Mama's nervous is an understatement; I've been waiting for this moment since we found out you were growing inside me.

Your daddy and I were talking last night about the characteristics we hope you get from each of us. I hope you get your daddy's eyes and his smile, he has the most wonderful smile that can light up a room. I hope you get my toes. A strange request, yes, but I have grandpa's toes, and I hope you join the club.

I hope you get your daddy's brains, he's wicked smart. I hope you get my empathy and trust in others; it may come back to bite you a few times, but ultimately I think it's a good way to live.

Daddy can't wait to teach you about space and video games, he's sort of a nerd like that. I can't wait to have arts and crafts time with you and to read to you sleep. I hope that you get our love for reading; books can take you to magical places.

You have two cat sisters that may not be your biggest fans at the beginning, but they'll warm up to you if you promise not to pull their fur.

You have an amazing extended family that already loves you (even though they don't know you're coming yet, we're going to tell them on Christmas!) You're going to be the first grand child on both sides, which means you're going to be one spoiled kid. There is so much love in our family, and we can't wait until you get to be a part of it.

Since finding out you're growing inside me, I've had a dream every night that there's more than one of you in there. Perhaps it's mother's intuition, maybe it's just my hopeful dreams, either way, we'll love you (both of you?) no matter what.

If we don't see your heartbeat flickering tomorrow, I'll understand that it just wasn't your time. I'll be devastated for sure, but I know that I'll meet you later. The world can be a scary place, but know that your daddy and I will do our absolute best to keep you safe.

Mommy and Daddy love you, our little Bread Crumb.
See you tomorrow.


P.S. If you wondering where your nickname came from, blame one of  Daddy's best friends, your Uncle Ben. He nicknamed Daddy "Whitebread" one day in college, and then started calling Mama "Ginger Bread" when she came along. The joke always was that when we had kids, they'd be our little Bread Crumbs. Uncle Ben has a strange sense of humor.

"Y'all Had It Easy"

"Y'all had it easy."

That's the text response I got from a real life friend when I let her know we had gotten a positive pregnancy test.

In comparison, I suppose from her standpoint (she recently out she was pregnant after IVF,) we did have it easy since we seemed to have conceived after our second round of Clomid.

I don't think her remark was meant to be hurtful, but it stung. The fact that we conceived after only two rounds of Clomid is something that I feel extremely guilty about, a feeling I have been wrestling with since I saw the word "pregnant."

I feel guilty because it only took us a year and a half, and a few months of Clomid while there are women, many of which I call dear friends, who are spending their life savings on IUI or IVF. I feel guilty because there are women who have been fighting for years, have had losses, or who have had to turn to adoption because they are not able to have biological children.

I feel guilty because I've had a hard time connecting to this pregnancy, even though so many women would love to be in my shoes. I'm guarded because we haven't seen a heartbeat yet and I know so much can go wrong in these early weeks, but I feel like I should be head over heels in love with this little bundle of cells growing inside me...but I'm not.

Will I be devastated if we don't see a heartbeat on the 23? Of course. But instead of taking time to "properly" mourn my loss, I will want to move onto the next steps as quickly as possible. Last night, Keegan and I had a talk about what steps we would feel comfortable doing if we didn't see a heartbeat. Morbid perhaps, but I'm the kind of person who needs to have a plan.

I have been nervous about posting anything about my pregnancy on here because I know that I have "passed up" some of my friends who have been trying for much longer than we have. I also know that I have friends who have experienced losses recently and I am so afraid of hurting them. The last thing I want to do is to cause anyone pain, but I need a place to express my feelings, both my excitement and my fears.

I suppose I thought that once I was pregnant, things would be all sunshine and rainbows, but recently, I've been feeling more lost and scared than at any point during our trying to conceive journey. Perhaps it was because while we were TTC, I had a goal, and ways to accomplish that goal, but now, I'm just sitting and waiting, hoping that everything is ok. I'm not very good with letting go of control, but my control over my pregnancy has been ripped out of my hands. If we come home with a baby in nine months is decided by cells dividing and hormone levels rising. There's nothing more I can do than hope that everything is ok.

I'm not quite sure what I was trying to accomplish with this post, perhaps it was just a stream of thoughts that I've been holding in recently. I don't know where I fit in the world of IF bloggers anymore. Yes, I'm pregnant, but I'm also vulnerable and scared and need support more than ever. However, I also realize how hard it is to be a support for someone who had made it to the other side.

I am so thankful to anyone who continues to read and support Keegan and I in this new journey, but I also hold no bad feelings towards anyone who needs to step back. Just know that I am rooting everyone on, no matter if you're still TTC, or reaching the end of your pregnancy. I love you all and I could never put into words how much your friendship means to me.

The Reason For Going Private

First of all, I want to apologize. It seems that I made my last post a bit dramatic, which caused a lot of you to inquire if we're ok as well as send us your good thoughts. While those good thoughts are very much appreciated, I feel like they were given under false pretenses.

We're fine, in fact, we're better than fine. We're pregnant.

Some of you may have guessed, and I know some of you already knew since I posted fairly frequently about it on Twitter. I have wanted to tell you guys since day one, but I have suspicions that close family members have found my blog, and we don't want to spill the beans until we see (or don't see) a heartbeat.

We found out on November 30, the Saturday after Thanksgiving which was 11 DPO. All week I had felt like my uterus was full of rocks, and my mom was talking about grabbing drinks that night, so I decided to test. Before the rest of my family woke up, I peed on a First Response test and snuggled back in our pull out bed in my family's living room next to Keegan. I kept the test in the wrapper until the 3 minutes were done, and then had him look at it.

He said something about there being a second line, but it not being as dark as the test line. I grabbed the test out of his hands, and lo and behold, there was a second line.

I quickly texted Sarah and Adi to get their opinions, and they both agreed there was a faint second line. Adi suggested getting a blue dye test to try, which I took on Sunday at 12 DPO. 

The line was very faint which made me nervous, but we were on our way back to Mississippi where I had numerous internet cheapie tests that I could obsess over. The top tests in both groups above are from Sunday (12 DPO) and the bottom two in both groups are from Monday (13 DPO.)

Monday (12/2) was a mad house for me; I was supposed to leave Tuesday for a four day training in Dallas so I was rushing around making sure everything was set for the trip as well as playing phone tag with my RE. My RE wanted to do a beta as quickly as possible, but since I was going to be out of town, it got pushed back until this week. I was supposed to get it on Monday (12/9,) but Dallas got a freak ice storm, so my flight that was supposed to leave Friday (12/6) didn't leave until Monday. I finally got my first beta on Tuesday which I wore my lucky socks from Melissa to. 

My first beta was 1,328 at 5 weeks exactly. My RE called personally to congratulate me and we scheduled my second beta for Thursday as well as my first ultrasound for 12/23. I just got my results for my second beta which was 3,021 at 5 weeks, 2 days which equals a doubling time of 40 hours. 

We're still scheduled for our first ultrasound on 12/23 where we hope to see a heartbeat. We were offered an appointment on 12/20, but I have a work meeting that day that I can't miss, and it's also Keegan's birthday. Even if I didn't have a work meeting, I probably would have declined that appointment anyways because I don't want his birthday to be tainted just in case we don't see a heartbeat. 

There is the chance of twins. When we had our appointment with our RE in November, it was the day after ovulation, and we were able to see that two eggs had released. I've checked, and my beta levels are slightly elevated for a singleton, but I have a real life friend who's pregnant with twins and her first beta was 40, so I feel like the numbers don't really tell much. 

We had the option of doing our first ultrasound with an OB here in town, but we decided to drive the two hours to our RE just in case we don't see a heartbeat. She'll be the one to help us through the miscarriage, and I want to be able to talk next steps with her if need be. 

I think that's everything. Like I said above, I wanted to say something sooner, but I'm afraid of our parents finding out we're pregnant through the internet instead of in person. If we see a heartbeat on 12/23, we're going to tell our immediate families over Christmas. Once everyone who we feel needs to be told in person is told, I'll make my blog public again. I believe I'm going to continue to post here throughout my pregnancy, but we'll see what happens. 

I want to thank you all for your continued love and support. I totally understand if you need to step back or unfollow, please do whatever you need to take care of yourself.

Going Private

Hey everyone. First of all, I want to apologize for not writing a lot these last few weeks. Thanksgiving plus my longer than expected trip to Dallas made it difficult to write, but there are also some other things that Keegan and I are going through right now that I've wanted to write about but haven't felt comfortable blasting all over the internet.

Because I still want and need your support, I'm going to make my blog private until the end of the year so that I can write about what's been going on, but not worry about the world seeing it. I'll leave this post up until Friday so that everyone has a chance to see it and give me their emails if they decide they want to continue following while the blog is private. As things stand now, I'm most likely going to make the blog public again in the new year, so if you wish, you could aways wait it out and read what's been going on later.

If you wish to follow along as the blog is private, feel free to leave your email below and I'll add it to the list so you can (hopefully) see my posts. I've never done this before, so I'm sure it'll be some trial and error, but if you're not seeing my posts and wish to, just email me and I'll fix it.

As always, thank you for your love and continued support.

Aislinn

What A Week!

You know when you have so much going on in your life that it's too much to talk about so you don't talk at all? That's kind of how this last week has been. 

- Last Sunday was our last day in Missouri for the Thanksgiving holiday. Early in the morning, Keegan went to the car to start packing and realized that the Christmas present that his mom had given us was up on the seat ripped open when it was previously stashed on the floorboard. He asked if I had touched the present, and I had not. We quickly realized that someone had broken into our car, so we combed through the car, my purse, and my wallet to see if anything had been stolen. Thankfully nothing had, so we decided to drive home without calling the police. 

Fast forward a few days, I pulled my planner out of my purse and out fell three insurance cards, a bank card, and a business card for the P family. I called Keegan to tell him what happened, and he tried to call the phone number on the business card. No one picked up, so I called my parents to tell them what I had found. Apparently the P family lives down the street from my parents, so my dad went to talk to them. They were not home, but taped to the front door was a business card with a new phone number. We called the new number and spoke to Mr. P who told us his truck had been broken into Saturday night and his insurance cards, bank card, Bass Pro card as well as some other information was stolen. We told him that we had three insurance cards and his bank card (I also found his Bass Pro card in my purse a few days later.) 

We think someone broke into Mr. P's truck and disposed of the evidence in the pages of my planner. As far as we could tell, nothing of importance was taken from my car, but my dad called yesterday to say that he found coupons and receipts from my purse strewn about their side yards. 

I never understood how victims of burglary felt uncomfortable in their homes, but I do now. It freaks me out knowing that someone was in my car, opening my Christmas presents, and going through my purse without me knowing. 

- This week, I was in Dallas for job training. There was talk about an ice storm hitting Thursday night / Friday morning, but our director promised it wouldn't be a big deal. Come Friday, almost everyone's flights were cancelled due to the 3 inches of ice that was dumped on Dallas, a city not ready for winter weather. A few of us were encouraged to go to the airport to see if we could get on a later flight, but we ended up being stuck in the airport for hours. I'm not sure if the Dallas airport doesn't have heat, or if it was broken, but it was so cold inside that you could see your breath. 

Our travel manager ended up getting myself and a co-worker a hotel room, so we called the hotel shuttle to pick us up. We were told to wait outside for the shuttle...which took 2.5 hours to arrive. Let's just say after that long in 28 degrees, I could no longer feel my toes. 

My flight that was rescheduled for Saturday was also cancelled, so now I'm waiting for a flight on Monday that hopefully will take off. Even though this isn't how I wanted to spend my weekend, I'm thankful that I'm in the part of Dallas that has power, and that there's an IHOP in the hotel parking lot so I have food. Oh, and Internet. I'm thankful the hotel has Internet. 

- Unfortunately since I'm in Dallas, I missed the Mizzou vs. Auburn football game in Atlanta that I had tickets for. My sister and a group of her friends drove down and stayed with Keegan overnight. They drove to Atlanta in two cars, and on the way back, my sister's friend rear ended my husband. Apparently the damage isn't horrible, we'll probably end up replacing the back bumper eventually, but the most important thing is that everyone is ok. 

Oh, and we lost the football game. 

Overall, this has been an interesting week. Hopefully I'm able to get home soon and life can get back to normal. I miss my husband, my cats, my own bed, and clean clothes. I didn't pack to be away for a week, so i've had to re-wear clothes. 

I hope everyone has stayed warm and safe!

Two Truths and a Lie: Were You Right?

It looks like only three of you guessed correctly!

1. I have two differently shaped ears which caused the doctors to look into my kidneys when I was born. TRUE!

When I was born, the doctors noticed that I have a raised area in one ear, but not the other. Apparently a baby's ears and kidneys develop at the same time in the womb, so there was concern that one of my kidneys was also malformed. Tests were run and turns out my kidneys are perfectly fine.

2. I graduated high school in three years even though I failed one of my core classes my senior year. TRUE!

One of my friends decided to graduate in three years, so I decided to look into it as well. I was only a few credits from having enough to graduate, so I decided that my junior year of high school would be my last year. I had to take an online course through the local college to make sure I got some sort of "practical arts" credit (I took an entrepreneurship class,) but that's the only "extra" thing I had to do to graduate early. Unfortunately my father had a stroke and landed in the hospital the day of my presentation for my world history class, so I wasn't able to present. I emailed both my english and world history teachers (the two classes were taught together,) to tell them what had happened. When I got my grades, my english teacher gave me an "A" while my world history teacher failed me. One and only "F" I ever got in my school career.

Another fun story about me graduating early: The day before graduation, we had to do a run through to make sure everyone knew where they had to be on the big day. Everyone had a chair with their name on it, but mine was missing. I had to call my mom to come pick me up and go to my school to figure out what had happened. Apparently the professor who was teaching my online class hadn't sent in my grade to my high school, so as far as they were concerned, I didn't have enough credits to graduate. I had to rush over to the college and beg the teacher to grade my final project so I could graduate the next day. Thankfully I was able to walk, but it was a close call!

 3. Between myself and my two sisters, I am the only one who got their drivers license at 16. FALSE!

I'm actually the sister who got her license at the oldest age at 20. I just never felt ready at ages 16-18 to get my license and my parents also didn't have the money to buy me a car, so a license felt pointless. The only reason I got it at 20 was because I had broken up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years who always drove me around, and I needed a way to get myself to and from work and school. I ended up getting my license and buying my first car, a 2001 Ford Focus, off of a schoolmate for $1,500.

Thank you everyone for playing! I hope this was a fun way to learn a little more about me.

Thankful on Thanksgiving

As I sit here watching the annual Thanksgiving dog show, I have so much to be thankful for. Things like family, friends, my husband, our home, our health, and more. But the one thing I have to be thankful for this year that I didn't have last year is you girls.

You all have kept me sane this past year. I have became an advocate for my health because of you. The only reason I know so much about PCOS and infertility is because I started reading blogs the day I was diagnosed. You have celebrated with me, as well as lifted me up when I have been down. I have enjoyed celebrating with you and I hope that I am able to put a smile on your face when you have hit a road block.

Thank you so much for your support, advice, and friendship. While I would never choose to be in this special club, I am so glad that I get to keep fighting next to you wonderful ladies. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and for those outside of the US, I hope you have an equally enjoyable Thursday, free of pregnancy announcements.

Love always,
Aislinn

Two Truths and a Lie

I'm jumping on the bandwagon since I'm franticly packing to go back home for the holiday and feel like I need to post something for ICLW other than my welcome post.

My three things are...

1. I have two differently shaped ears which caused the doctors to look into my kidneys when I was born.
2. I graduated high school in three years even though I failed one of my core classes my senior year.
3. Between myself and my two sisters, I am the only one who got their drivers license at 16.

So, which one is a lie? I'll let you know in a few days if anyone was right.

Good luck guessing!

Happy November ICLW!

Happy November ICLW everyone! Not sure what ICLW is? Head over to the Stirrup Queen's website to find out.

A quick introduction:

I'm Aislinn, I'm 24 and married to my wonderful husband, Keegan who will be 26 in December. We are currently living in Mississippi, but we're both originally from Missouri (well, I'm originally from Canada, but that's another story...)

We currently have three cats 

Mika, who we adopted in February, 

Carbon, who we adopted in August, 

and 

this little man who we rescued adopted from our neighbors two nights ago. Anyone want a kitten?

As for the baby makin' stuff, I was diagnosed with PCOS on September 4, 2012. For the past year, we've tried au natural with the help of Metformin, but so far, no baby. The past two cycles, I convinced my OB/GYN to put me on Clomid, but still, no baby. Yesterday, we had our first appointment with our RE who we absolutely love. If this current cycle doesn't result in a pregnancy, we are doing a cycle of Letrozole (Femara,) trigger shot, and IUI in December. 

If you want to hear more ramblings about my lady bits, I'm also on Facebook and Twitter. 

Thanks for stopping by!  

Autumn Mug Swap

When Jessah over at Dreaming of Dimples posted about her Autumn Mug Swap, I jumped at the chance to participate. I had heard about swaps between bloggers before, but I had never had the chance to participate in one, so I was really excited about this opportunity. What better way to start off the blustery fall and winter seasons than with a brand new mug to sip cider and hot chocolate out of?

I was paired with Lauren from Outside The Frame. While we didn't know each other before the swap, we got to know each other quickly, both of us sending a few hints so the other person knew what kind of mug to get.

I told Lauren that I love owls and look what she sent me!

The cute owl mug was full of treats! 

A note, little note pad, perfume sample, lip balm and lotion! 

 

Thank you Lauren for the adorable mug and all of the goodies! I can't wait to make some hot apple cider! 

Interested in participating in a blogger swap? Teresa at Where The *Bleep* Is Our Stork is hosting an ornament swap during the month of December. You have until 11/22 to sign up!

Our First RE Appointment

I apologize if this post is not well structured, we got up at 4:45 to drive to the appointment, so to say that I'm exhausted is an understatement.

To sum it up quickly, Keegan and I both love our new RE, Dr. M. She's exactly what we need at this stage of our infertility journey.

---

After finding our way to Birmingham, and through the winding halls of the hospital, we found ourselves at the registration desk. We checked in, got a packet of information to fill out, and were told to make our way down to the waiting room. After a few minutes, a nurse took us back to a room in the infertility department, and also took my vitals. We were left to finish filling out the packet of information, and to wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later, Dr. M walked in and it was pretty much love at first sight talk. During our close to an hour long conversation, she sat at our level, made eye contact, asked questions and most of all, listened. I never once felt rushed or silly for making the decisions we have made in the past. She never once talked down at me, and she tailored our conversation in a way that showed that she realized I had done my research and knew what we were talking about.

While she didn't look at my Fertility Friend charts (she actually wants me to stop charting!) she did look at the copy of Keegan's SA that I brought as well as listened to all of the procedures and medications I rattled off. She commended me for the almost 40 pounds I've lost and also said that while my doctor doesn't sound like he's interested in treating us anymore, he did lead us down the right path over this past year.

We talked about treatment options and as of right now, our two suggested choices were doing a laparoscopy to check for Endometriosis, or do a few rounds of IUI with Letrozole (Femara.)

Side note: I brought up the idea of a laparoscopy, mainly because Dr. B suggested that be our next step. I know the symptoms of Endo, but I've always been confused as to what constitutes "painful periods." I felt like that was such a subjective term that I never brought up the pain I have the first few days of my cycle because I can control it with pain medications. I explained this to Dr. M and she suggested that since I do have somewhat significant pain, that checking for Endo wouldn't hurt. 

While I want to do the laparoscopy at some point, we're just not sure right now is the right time. We decided to go ahead and do an IUI cycle in December, assuming our current cycle fails. I'll do 5 mg of Letrozole cycle days 3-7, come in for a monitoring ultrasound around CD 14, and then do a trigger shot and the IUI. We were quoted the price of about $300 for the IUI, and anywhere from $20-$100 for the trigger shot, depending what insurance covers. I'm not sure how much the Letrozole will cost and we're not sure if insurance will cover the monitoring ultrasound, but overall, I can't see the IUI costing more than $600-$700. While not the cheapest option, it's certainly not the most expensive, either.

Dr. M agreed to changing protocols as we go, letting us dictate how aggressive (and expensive) we want to be. What I love most about her is that she gives us the treatment options, backs them up with both her opinion and facts, but ultimately lets us make the choice. One of the things that irked me most about Dr. B was that he would either dictate exactly what the protocol was going to be without my input, or would go to the extreme opposite and have me make up my own treatments. While I've done my research, I'm not a doctor. What I need is a doctor that will give me all of the facts and figures about a treatment option, as well as their opinions, but ultimately allow me to make my own choices with their guidance, which is what Dr. M does.

She also kicks ass because she's allowing us to do some of the monitoring (like lab work) at home so that we don't have to spend the time and money to drive the 2+ hours for a five minute blood draw.

Overall, we're both extremely happy with Dr. M. While I hope we get pregnant soon, if we don't, I feel confident under her care and won't mind going to see her a few times each month.

The Decision

Thanks to all of your comments on my last post, we decided to make an appointment with the RE. I filled out an online form Friday afternoon, thinking they wouldn't get back to me before Monday and they wouldn't have a spot open until the new year.

How wrong I was.

I got a call back maybe an hour later, gave the nurse our information, and hung up with an appointment for the upcoming Wednesday (tomorrow.)

When I got off the phone, my hands were shaking. I think it was a mix of emotions: scared, happy, nervous, sad. While I'm excited about moving forward, I'm sad that it's come down to this, that we weren't able to conceive on our own. I'm also nervous about treatments and scared about the cost. Like most couples going through infertility, we're not made of money.

I'm only seeing a fellow tomorrow, so I'm not sure what exactly is going to happen or how much we're going to decide on treatments, but it's a start. Since the appointment came up so quickly, I didn't have a chance to send over my medical records (not that they asked for them...) so I made up a binder with all of my Fertility Friends charts from the last year and a half as well as Keegan's SA report and a list of our questions. Can anyone think of anything else to bring?

We leave tomorrow at 5 in the morning for my 8 o'clock appointment, wish us luck!

A Decision I Never Though I'd Have To Make

If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know that tonight Keegan and I had a dinner date with one of Keegan's co-workers and his wife who just recently went through IVF. They're the first couple we know in real life who's dealt with infertility, so we wanted to pick their brains about the steps they went through in deciding on their RE since we've decided we need to break up with our OB.

The couple, P and A, were so easy to talk to and extremely helpful. We both went over our histories and Keegan and I explained what we're hoping our next steps are. They mentioned that they ultimately ended up at an RE in Birmingham, about 2ish hours away from us, who they loved. They felt like they got great care, the staff was attentive, they really had nothing negative to say (except the $13,000 they spent.)

Then they dropped the bomb. They said that before they went to their RE, they saw a OB about an hour away that does infertility treatment up to (not including) IVF for free.

Yes, you read that correctly, for free.

A said that she did several rounds of Clomid and a few IUIs with this doctor and only had to pay for the medications. Apparently this doctor and his wife suffered from infertility, and providing free infertility treatments is his way of giving back to the community. According to A, his bedside manner isn't the best, but they ultimately had good things to say about him.

You'd think it'd be a easy decision to make: either go to the free doctor, or pay out the wazoo for an RE.

I'm not finding it so easy.

There are a few things about this "free doctor" that make me wary, besides his bedside manner. Apparently during a Clomid cycle, he does do mid cycle ultrasounds, which is a step up from my current OB who refuses to do so, but he doesn't do blood work. A also said that if you're doing an IUI and need to come in on the weekend, he'll make you come in on Friday because he doesn't work weekends. He also apparently doesn't keep any sort of records. I looked up his website and there's not much to it.

One could ask, if this "free doctor" is so great, then why did P and A ultimately end up at their RE? Well, P had an SA done at the beginning of their journey which, according to their OB at the time, came out great. When P and A ended up at their RE after a year or so at the "free doctor," they repeated the SA and found out that P has severe male factor infertility, something "Free Doctor" didn't find out or even bother to check. No matter how many free IUIs they had, P and A would have never gotten pregnant without IVF with ICSI.

These things make me nervous, let alone the fact that he's giving away free infertility treatments. The saying "if it's too good to be true, it probably is" keeps running through my head.

My heart is telling me to make an appointment with the RE, someone who has statistics I can look at, who's associated with a well known university, who has rave reviews from this couple, as well as another blogger I've spoken to. But my head is yelling at me "free treatments!"

Ultimately it boils down to the fact that I'm scared, and I'm mostly scared about spending the money. Our insurance isn't going to cover anything, so we're paying out the pocked for everything. I'm really scared about paying an RE to increase my dosage of Clomid once and I get pregnant, something this "free doctor" could have done for, well, free. On the flip side, I'm scared of going to this "free doctor" for another year, not getting any closer to being pregnant, and having to go to an RE anyways. If that happens, will I regret not going to the RE in the first place?

This is a decision I never thought I'd have to make. I was honestly ready to move onto an RE, but now I'm faced with this "free doctor" that could knock me up for free, or cost us another year of our time.

What would you do?

I Need To Break Up With My OB

It's a similar situation to knowing you need to break up with your boyfriend of a year and a half. Your relationship started off great, you learned more about each other, and had some intimate moments, but these last few months have been less than ideal. He's forgotten key information about you, seem distracted when you're having a conversation, and is seeing other women.

You're afraid to break things off because there have been some good times, he's a cheap date, and you're afraid of losing mutual friends.

But, it's time.

All jokes aside, it really is time for me to leave Dr. B. As I said above, he's forgotten key information about me and has been distracted at our appointments. We've stuck with him for so long because he has helped us in the past. He diagnosed me with PCOS, gave me Metformin and after some pushing, Clomid. He's also relatively cheap since he's covered by my insurance. However, I feel like he's just giving me Clomid so he can say he tried everything to help us before turning us over to an RE. Our last appointment was what really solidified the fact that things need to end.

From having a nurse who had no idea about my medical history interrogate me about my medications to having to explain that I couldn't have my annual exam that day because I was on my period, the entire appointment was a mess.

What really made me upset was that Dr. B went back on his word again. At our last appointment, we decided that I would do three rounds of Clomid, and then we would discuss doing a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis. If we decided not to do the surgery, or if we did and everything came back clear, Dr. B would refer us to an RE with a suggestion of IVF because he had done all he could for us.

Apparently our plan changed without my knowledge. Dr. B said that if this cycle failed (Clomid cycle #2,) we would do a "few more rounds," do a laparoscopy for sure, and then talk about moving to an RE sometime in the future, around summer 2014.

I was livid. I felt like Dr. B had forgotten everything we had talked about a month ago and was just pulling a general plan out of his ass. I felt forgotten, like a number, like he had given up on me and was more interested in taking care of his patients that were easy, that were already pregnant. He also refused to do mid cycle monitoring, even though he expressed yet again his concern about us becoming parents to the next set of sextuplets. We spoke for less than five minutes before he was back out the door.

On my way out, his nurse told me that we would do my annual exam next time I was in....which would be at the beginning of my next cycle.

So, now I'm on the hunt for an RE, but I have no idea where to start. I know from a quick Google search that the nearest RE is about two hours away, but there are many more in the four hour range. I know that my insurance covers nothing related to infertility, so finding a doctor in my plan isn't a necessity.

How did you ladies find your REs? Were they referrals from your OBs or other bloggers? I'm not sure if we'll need IVF, so I don't know if comparing statistics is the correct way to go about things. I've heard that some REs charge for a simple consult, but I don't have the time or money to do consults with every doctor that's within a day's drive from us.

While I'm going to miss certain members of Dr. B's staff, I'm ready to move onto an RE. I'm excited to work with someone who gets women pregnant for a living, instead of someone who throws medications at me with one hand while they're delivering a baby with the other.

Scary Mommy Thanksgiving Project

As hopeful mothers, soon to be mothers, or mothers to little ones, our main hope is that we will be able to provide for our children on a day to day basis, but also on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Unfortunately, not all parents are able to provide basic food for their children on a day to day basis, let alone on a special day like Thanksgiving. 

For the third year, Scary Mommy has put together the Scary Mommy Thanksgiving Project. In her own words,

"The Scary Mommy Thanksgiving Project gives these mothers and their families an evening of food, love and warmth, without the stress and worry they battle the rest of the year. 

Innocently born out of a blog post in 2011, and now an official 501(c)3 non-profit, the project has helped over 1,700 families to date celebrate a Thanksgiving they wouldn't otherwise have had. Read the testimonials, see yourself in these faces and ask: How can you not want to make a difference?"

How You Can Help:

Go to this page and donate any amount you're able. 100% of your donation will go to a family in need, and in turn, you will receive some information about the family you helped create Thanksgiving for. Give $50 to support a whole family, or they will partner your donation – whatever it is – with other donors. Every dollar counts, so please give what you can.

You can also send checks to: Scary Mommy Nation • PO Box 20866 • Baltimore, MD • 21209

How To Receive Help:

The 2013 Thanksgiving Project is open to all moms struggling to celebrate this Thanksgiving. If you need help this year, please apply here. Please get your application in by November 15th, so they can ensure your card arrives in ample time.


I don't normally post about charities; I believe that everyone should support a charity that holds a special place in their heart. I also know that infertility treatments eat up all the money we have. I also believe, however, that no one should go hungry on Thanksgiving, especially children. I know that there was a time in my life that I needed help to stay on my feet, so I would love to pay it forward and help out a mother and her children for just one day.

A Puuuurrrr-fect Halloween

The whole trick-or-treating part of Halloween last night was a fail. We went to one of Keegan's co-worker's house who normally gets hundreds of kids during the night, but since it was raining, we got maybe 30. We ended up bringing over pizza and just hanging out, so it was a nice night, overall.

The biggest surprise of the night was when Keegan and I got home. We got out of our cars and heard this loud mewing coming from our neighbor's house. There is an older white cat that hangs around their house, so we figured she was complaining about getting wet. We walked over to see if we could coax her into our house for the night, but couldn't find her. We looked and looked until finally Keegan looked up. To our surprise, there was a kitten clinging to the top of the roof (blue arrow) mewing its little heart out. We were able to coax it down to the edge of the roof (red arrow) and Keegan got a ladder to rescue it.

We took the kitten inside, dried it off, and gave it some food and water which it wolfed down in no time. Since we have two other cats, we kept the kitten in a spare room by itself overnight, and as far as I know, it cuddled up in its towel and went to sleep. We took the kitten to our vet this morning and were surprised to find out that it's a neutered male. Our vet assumed that since he's neutered, he was probably at a shelter at some point and may have been adopted. We were debating whether or not we should become a three cat family, but now that we know he might be someone's pet, we're just going to hold onto him until we (hopefully) find his family. I've posted the picture below on our local Humane Society's Facebook page and are waiting to see if we hear anything. 

Little mister is lucky he's so cute. I stepped barefoot into an ant hill during our search, so now my feet are covered in itchy burning ant bites. He's all fur and bones, but one of the happiest, cuddliest cats I've met. The entire time we were with him last night, he was purring up a storm which of course melted my heart. I sincerely hope we find his family, but if we can't, I won't be upset adding another fur ball to our family. 

*Update*

We found Mr. Kitty's owner, apparently it's our neighbor. Keegan talked to her and she said that she leaves him outside "all the time" and is aware that he "sometimes climbs the roof." 

I'm so upset about this. This kitten was skin and bones, and when we took him into the vet, we found out he has fleas. She "might" pay us back for the $108 we spent this morning to update his shots and get him flea medicine, but I'm not holding my breath.

Liebster Award!

Back in September, Anne from The Second Bedroom nominated me for a Liebster Award! I'm just getting around to posting about it now, but I wanted to thank Anne for the nomination!

So, 11 random facts about myself....

1. My first concert experience was seeing Kitty and Otep when they came to the local music venue in my hometown. If you're not familiar with the hard rock scene, Kitty and Otep are known for being somewhat extreme. Since I was only 16, my mom felt more comfortable accompanying my friends and I to the concert. When Otep came out with a (fake) pig's head on a spear, she turned to me with wide eyes and said she was going to go watch the baseball game with the bartender. She never came to a concert with me again. 

2. I have an extremely wide taste in music. If you look on my Pandora, you'd find songs from Dropkick Murphys, Shakeria, Green Day, Celtic Woman, Eminem, Fun, Tegan and Sara, Maclemore, Broadway tunes (I love the soundtrack from Wicked) The Avett Brothers, and more. If a song has a good beat and lyrics I can sing to, there's a good chance that I'll like it.

3. I went to the same university that my dad is a professor at. During my graduation, he surprised me by being up on stage to be the one who gave me my diploma and a hug....in front of thousands of people.

 

4. I have 7 piercings (two in each lobe, one cartilage, and one industrial) and a Celtic knot tattoo on my foot.

5. Keegan and I were long distance our entire relationship until we moved together to Mississippi. We went to school about an hour and a half from each other, and Keegan did two co-ops, (one in Alabama, one in Memphis,) while we were dating. Since we never spent more than a week together, moving together to a different state was one of the scariest things we've ever done. 5 months after moving we got engaged, and 10 months after that, we were married.

6. During college, I worked at Hot Topic. It was a great job; flexible hours, great music, angsty teens who wanted to shove metal through their faces... But in all honesty, I loved working there. Sometimes I miss the easiness of it all, but then I remember those parents who had to get those band t-shirts for their whiny children on Black Friday.

Yes, we're posing with a cardboard Edward. Those teenage girls (and their mothers,) love them some Edward

7. If I had to shop at one store for the rest of my life, it would be Target. It kills me that the closest one is now an hour away, but my wallet is thankful. 

8. On my university's campus, there is a tiled clover with the word "engineers" below it. Legend is, if you walk across the tiles, you're fated to marry an engineer. I walked across those tiles about a month before I met Keegan, who's a metallurgical engineer. Everyone with me, "aaaaaawwwwwwww"

9. I had Shirley Temple hair when I was young. My mom actually had someone ask if she permed my hair when I was 2. 

10. I still have my comfort item from when I was a baby. He's a little worse for wear than the picture below, and currently resides under my pillows. My dad surprised me with another one for my 21st birthday, so now I have one to give to my future child. 

11. My favorite food is pasta, specifically mac n' cheese and chicken alfredo, and I've been craving both like none other lately. My craving is so bad that I made Keegan promise me that we'll get mac n' cheese from Noodles and Co. when we're in Missouri for Thanksgiving. 

Here are the 11 questions Anne asked:

1. What do you turn to for comfort?
I wish it was something different, but food a lot of the times. There's something special about lunch with a good friend you can confide in, or a romantic dinner with my husband. Perhaps it's not the food that really comforts me, but the people I'm with. Keegan is definitely a big source of comfort, as well as my parents. 
2. Do you have any habits/mannerisms other people consider odd but you couldn't do without?
Yes actually! It's hard to explain, but I do this strange tapping thing with my fingers. I'll go thumb, middle, pointer, fourth finger, middle, pinky, then pinky, fourth, pointer and thumb over and over again. If I'm listening to music, it's in time with the music, but I'll also do it to a tune in my head. I'm one that can't just watch TV or a movie without doing something with my hands, so this tapping sequence keeps my hands occupied. I should probably take up knitting or something more productive. 
3. What is your favorite thing to cook? Or, for non-cooks, to order in?
I am more of the baker in our house, and I love to bake cookies. I found a recipe for chocolate chip cheesecake cookies on Pintrest and they're to die for. I've made them for a lot of get togethers with Keegan's co-workers and they've been a big hit.  
4. It's your day off. No commitments yet. Shockingly, ALL your laundry is clean. What do you wear?
I suppose it depends on what I was going to do that day. If I was just going to laze around the house, probably yoga pants and an old t-shirt. If I was going out to run errands, jeans and a t-shirt. I'm not one to dress up unless I have a special event to go to.
5. You can have one word or phrase stricken from the minds of humanity--they just forget it existed and you NEVER have to hear it again. What is it? "That type of thing..." It's a phrase my co-workers says all.the.time and it drive me up the walls. I've caught myself saying it once or twice and it makes me cringe. 
6. You're a billionaire, hooray! What charity do you make your pet cause?
This is such a hard question. I don't think I could choose just one charity, I'd have to give money to many. I'd give money to a local Humane Society, a woman's shelter, a youth reading program, and any other charities doing good in the community. I'd more than likely keep the money local so that it could affect the community I was residing in. 
7. Do you wear socks to bed?
I do during the winter. My feet and hands get so cold that they'll keep me up at night, and startle Keegan awake if they touch him. During the summer, though, I'm usually ok without. 
8. I've got a gift card for you! You can't spend it on bills. Only frivolous things. Where do you go?
Probably Target or Old Navy. I've found that their clothes fit me best while I'm in those strange in between sizes during my weight loss. Also, they're cute and cheap so I could buy a lot without spending much. Oh, and also Starbucks. Om nom nom. 
9. What one thing that you do on a regular basis do you wish you never had to do again? Honestly? Try to figure out what's for dinner. With this diet, dinners have become hard to plan and it's the biggest pain in the butt to try and figure out what we're eating every night. Every day, for the last two-ish hours of the workday, Keegan and I are texting back and forth trying to figure out what we want to eat. If we had an unlimited budget to eat out, or an in-house chef, that would make life so much easier. Besides that, dishes. I hate doing the dishes. Dishes soaking in the sink make me shudder.
10. If you were an expert in one area, and people came from miles away just to ask your thoughts, what area would that be? I don't think I have the discipline to become and expert in anything. I'd much rather have a little knowledge in many areas than a lot of knowledge in one area. 


I'm being lame and not nominating anyone. I know this award has been circulating for a while now, and I don't feel like trying to figure out who hasn't been nominated. Just know that I love you all, so consider yourselves nominated if you want to answer Anne's questions.

If You Have A Spare Moment...

http://www.themakingofbabyben.com/

...send up some prayers/good thoughts/rain dances for Holly and her two babies





As well as Waiting For Baby. She just posted that she's leaking fluid and her midwives are afraid it's amniotic fluid. She and her little Ladybug could use your thoughts. 

Am I A Twat For Not Tweeting?

The question is simple really. I don't have a Twitter. Should I get one?

So far, I haven't felt the need to get a Twitter, mostly because it's just one other social media that will take up my time and potentially start drama.

However, I've noticed that a lot of IF bloggers will connect through Twitter more often than they will through Facebook. Is that because you can make an IF based Twitter, while Facebook makes you "like" pages through your personal page? (or maybe no one likes me enough to be my Facebook friend.)

The point is, I'd like to connect with you wonderful ladies more, and the platform to do that seems to be Twitter.

So, let me know. Do you twat? Tweet? Twit? Obviously I'm going to have to brush up on the lingo.

As another plus, if I get a Twitter, you won't have to read posts like this that could have been boiled down to 140 characters.

Tuesday Tidbits

It's been a few days since I've written, so I have a lot of topics I want to write about. Bullet points it is!

• My mom called me Friday morning to tell me that my youngest sister was in a car accident. She was hyperventilating and complaining about her neck and head hurting, so she was taken to the hospital. She's fine, just sore from the whiplash, but she totaled my parent's only working car. I have a very ranty post that was written on Friday which I may post later, depending on how much of my family's "dirty laundry" I want to air. Let's just say that my sisters lack of apology wasn't unexpected. 
• Thankfully my parents were able to get a rental car just in time to drive down to my cousin's wedding on Saturday. The wedding was on the groom's family "farm" (I say farm loosely because as far as I could tell, they don't raise livestock or grow crops,) and it absolutely beautiful. I hadn't seen this side of my mom's family in over ten years, so it was nice to catch up with them. 

Photo taken by Keegan of the gazebo that was used during the cocktail hour.

•  I believe that I ovulated late Saturday night or early Sunday. I had a flaming positive on a cheap OPK and a smiley face on the digital OPK Saturday morning, but a negative on both Sunday morning. Keegan and I sexed Saturday night, Sunday morning and Sunday night, so hopefully we covered our bases. So far, my temperature hasn't jumped like it normally does after ovulation. I'm not sure if the Clomid is to blame, or the fact that I've been waking up freezing these last few days. During the night, temperatures here in Mississippi get into the 40s and 50s, but we're being stubborn and not turning on the heat yet, especially since it'll get up in the 70s during the day.
• Did anyone else have wacky temperatures on Clomid? Before ovulation, my temps jumped around without rhyme or reason. After ovulation, they're taking their sweet time increasing which is odd for me. I'm used to two days of positive OPKs, then a huge jump in temperatures confirming the fact that I ovulated. 
• I meant to write about this earlier, but I seem to be one of the lucky ones and didn't have any side effects from the Clomid. I was fully expecting hot flashes every day and a five day headache, but I didn't notice anything. I might have had a hot flash the third night of the medication, but I did get sun burned that day, so I don't know if I should blame the 3 minutes of sweating on the Clomid or my stupidity. I did notice that my lower abdomen felt...fuller for lack of a better word. I wasn't crampy, I was just more aware of my ovaries. 

• The night before ovulation, I had the worst ovulation pain I can remember. My lower abdomen was so tender, that when Keegan snuggled close, I yelped and pushed him off. I'm hoping that this means that the Clomid is making my follicles big and juicy, not exasperating the cysts that are most likely hanging around.

• I was a dingbat and forgot to sign up for ICLW.

Crusin' The Coast 2013

This past weekend, Keegan and I drove down to the Mississippi coast for Crusin' The Coast 2013. Like I've mentioned before, last year as a wedding present, I surprised Keegan with a weekend away at this event and it's quickly become a yearly tradition for us.

The premise behind Crusin' The Coast is to get car enthusiasts and gear heads in one spot to show off their cars and to drool over everyone else's. There is also a swap meet, auction, and industry experts there to sell products and help trouble shoot problems.We were hoping to drive down in Keegan's 'Vette down this year, but it's unfortunately still out of commission.

Since Crusin' The Coast brings in thousands of people, you have to reserve your hotel room for the next year basically as you check out of your hotel that current year. Unfortunately we didn't do that last year, so by the time we got around to looking for hotel rooms, the only ones available were in the casinos with jacked up prices. We decided to splurge and booked a room at the IP Casino in Biloxi.

Friday, we got down to the coast around 7:30 and headed straight for Mellow Mushroom, a pizza joint that I had never heard of until last year, but is amazing. I thought for a second about getting their gluten free pizza, but I splurged and got a regular pizza with pineapple and feta, so good! We drove around a bit, looking at all of the pretty cars, then went to the hotel. I have never been to a casino before, so I didn't know what to expect. The hotel was so busy, crowded and loud! There was live music coming from one of the bars, people of all walks of life wandering around, stores, spas, and more. It was a total overload to my senses, so I was glad to get to our room and crash.

Saturday, we got up and drove down to Bay St. Louis, our favorite spot from last year. All of the cars are lined up in the historic downtown, so you're able to drool over the cars while catching lunch or shopping in one of the boutiques. We had tried to go to IHOP for breakfast, but it was insanely busy, so we ended up grabbing frozen custard. Oh the perks of being an adult. We ate lunch at Trapani's, a local seafood focused restaurant. Keegan got a half shrimp, half catfish po boy and since I don't like seafood, I got a roast beef po boy.

They had the coolest tables at Trapani's. They were filled with sand, shells, starfish and sand dollars from the beach that was just a few yards away. 

We spent about half the day in Bay St. Louis, then drove to Ocean Springs, drooling over cars the entire way. 

Saturday night, we decided to dine in our hotel and ate at Costa Cucina, an Italian restaurant. We went hog wild and did an entire four course meal: appetizer, salad, main course, and dessert. We had a really young, enthusiastic waiter that was fun to talk to, and throughout the entire meal, we watch the chefs throw dough in the air for handmade pizzas. Earlier that week, Keegan had gotten a bonus from the general manager of his mill in the form of a $50 money card, so we used that for dinner and only spent $15 out of pocket to cover the leftover and the tip. As Keegan said, best $15 meal we ever had. 

Sunday, we ate at IHOP before heading back home early enough to do some laundry and relax before the impending work week. The weekend was the perfect getaway and allowed Keegan and I to have some us-focused time together. We can't wait until next year!  

I Want To Thank You

Over the last year or so, I've read many infertility blogs. I've read stories of hope and excitement when a woman who has struggled gets a positive test. I've read stories of women recalling the difficult days in the trenches while their miracles sleep peacefully on their laps. Stories like this give me hope.

But I've also read stories of hurt, sadness, despair, anger, unfairness. Stories from mothers of babies who were taken too early. These stories make me angry and sad and force me to question why these babies had to go, why these mother and fathers have to suffer.

These stories make me scared. While I want nothing more than to be pregnant, I'm also scared of becoming one of those stories. I honestly don't know if I would be able to handle having that hope and excitement taken away from me in an instant.

But, I know that I would be ok, eventually.

I've seen many women, too many women, have to overcome the hurt that is infant and pregnancy loss. It hurts me that so many women that I've met though this blog, women who I call my friends, have had to go through such a horrible experience.

I want to thank those women.

I want to thank them because I know that if I ever have that hope and excitement taken away from me, those women will be there with a shoulder to cry on, helpful advice, or a comforting word. They will be there with extra support when the days get tough, and there to celebrate when things seem to be going ok.

Because of these women, I would be ok, eventually.

I want to thank those women for being so strong. So supportive, to all women, even if they haven't gone through a loss. For being an inspiration.

I'm thinking about all of you today.